I've always known that there was a little girl out there that shared my gene pool but I'd always been told that her mom wouldn't let her have anything to do with my dad. I got a picture of the girl when she was 3-cute little thing and every once in awhile, I would think of her and hope she was ok.
My step mom found her on myspace and has started talking to her. She has asked about her family and Vonnie encouraged her to sign up for a facebook account so she could talk to us. Well, I've spent the weekend 'talking' to Trinity on facebook e-mail. She is 18, pregnant and living in a halfway house for girls with no where to go. It sounds like she has gone through a lot in her life, she hasn't lived with her mom since she was 15. She has been in some trouble but now that she is about to become a mom, it sounds like she is really trying to get her life on track.
I'm not sure exactly how I should feel about the whole situation. On one hand, she is my little sister, denied having siblings and a dad because of her mom. On the other hand, I was denied a relationship with my dad because of his current wife-who is now pushing for us to be one big happy family. So now when I barely get to have a relationship with my dad, I have to share him with a daughter he'd been denied a relationship with. He always wanted my brother, but did he want to know Trinity? Why can I not get over feeling like I was never wanted while they are pushing us to be one big happy family (with her kids too)? And now Trinity is sucked in. I told her she could ask me any questions she wanted to and if it got weird for her to talk to us, to not feel pressured. Do I let her in my heart as a sister and risk getting hurt? Do I just spend time getting to know her as a friend?
Just one more thing to deal with right now....the investor said 2 weeks on the house...I'm praying as I just don't know what else to do. I know that's really all I can do. And I'm praying for some more clients so I can sell some houses...we need $$ to pay for this house now! :)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Disappointment and failure
my heart and mind are overflowing with thoughts and yet when I try to put them into words, I hardly know where to start. I guess I'll start with Wednesday:
I was to meet the boss for what I thought was setting up a training schedule and getting assigned to a community. When I got there, I was told that he hadn't gotten the final ok from the owner/president and that he didn't seem to be in a good mood so that for my sake, he was waiting until Monday to talk to him. As usual, I say ok, that's fine, no problem. But I leave and I'm frustrated. Now that we've moved further out, I'm spending $60-70 a week on gas on top of food for lunches etc. I assumed I would be starting Monday and a paycheck would follow on the 15th. I get to the office and call Jeremey and we discussed the situation and I ended up letting John know that I needed an answer one way or the other as I felt like they were stringing me along for another week. At 5:40 pm the owner was in a meeting and John had to go pick up his kid so I knew I'd have to wait until Thursday for an answer. He called me at 10:30 and said that Mr. H, will NOT sign off on my paperwork no matter that I'd done all these things, written the action plan etc. I don't understand why I'm good enough to call on whenever they need help, but not good enough to hire. Of course, I'm crushed right now. Not only will I not be bringing in a paycheck, but the man who has required all these things of me with the reward of getting a job, in one fell swoop took it away from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low right now. I can't imagine what is so horrible about having me in the office AND on payroll.
Well at least we have the house right? no, I called the investor at 6:45 on the 26th, and he said they are dragging out the process and had more paperwork for him to deal with. I guess that's ok, but I really needed some good news Wednesday.
So now no house, no job...
because I keep my promises, I went into the office Thursday and Friday knowing I was not going to be hired. I didn't do this for the owner, but for John, who has fought and pushed and tried everything he knew to do to get me hired. The man who spent the evening Wednesday reworking the schedule to fit me in a community. The man who is now another agent short and will probably have to just have 2 more communities closed during the week. I even wore the proper clothes today when all I wanted to do was wear a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. why should I care? Why would I even try to sell their homes and not steer people to other builders? Because that's just not who I am. My friends are upset with me, for me...but in the end, it comes down to me not being good enough. Jeremey told me last night I was foolish to care so much what this one guy thinks of me. People that love you are always going to see the best in you and I appreciated that so much this morning when I opened a little love letter from husband, encouraging me for the day.
I realize this isn't the best market to be in real estate. But I needed to prove to myself that I could do this without being a size 4, under 30, perfectly manicured and driving a Mercedes...and by saying I'm not good enough to work for his company, that's the message I'm getting.
And another piece of shocking news...my step-mom found my half-sister Trinity (from my dad b4 he met her) on myspace and she has now set up a facebook account to get to know all of us. She is 18, pregnant and living in a half-way house for girls in Reno according to my step-mom. I don't know how to deal with the same woman that pushed me away from my dad, encouraging his daughter from someone else to get to know not only my brother and I and her kids (we were not raised with and I haven't even met 2 of them) but a relationship with my dad. I guess you could say I'm already in a state of shock and the rug pulled out from under me and now this.
I'm so thankful for an amazing husband. This is a prime example of a time in my life when I would just run. Everything feels like it is falling apart but I have him so I can't run. So what do you do when you can't run? i guess that is where I am tonight. I want to spend money, go get my nails done, buy some clothes, have a glass of wine, SOMETHING. And all I can do is sit and will the tears to fall because they just aren't. Why won't they come when you feel like you need them to the most? Jeremiah 29:11...I'm trying to hold to the promises of the only person that won't break them. Even Jeremey will fail me at times (as much as I'd like to think he won't) I know that.
From a very early age I learned that you can't trust the people that were meant to teach you about things like trust...I guess it's my own fault for wanting to believe the best in people. For being too trusting-it's caused pain for not only me but others around me.
I was to meet the boss for what I thought was setting up a training schedule and getting assigned to a community. When I got there, I was told that he hadn't gotten the final ok from the owner/president and that he didn't seem to be in a good mood so that for my sake, he was waiting until Monday to talk to him. As usual, I say ok, that's fine, no problem. But I leave and I'm frustrated. Now that we've moved further out, I'm spending $60-70 a week on gas on top of food for lunches etc. I assumed I would be starting Monday and a paycheck would follow on the 15th. I get to the office and call Jeremey and we discussed the situation and I ended up letting John know that I needed an answer one way or the other as I felt like they were stringing me along for another week. At 5:40 pm the owner was in a meeting and John had to go pick up his kid so I knew I'd have to wait until Thursday for an answer. He called me at 10:30 and said that Mr. H, will NOT sign off on my paperwork no matter that I'd done all these things, written the action plan etc. I don't understand why I'm good enough to call on whenever they need help, but not good enough to hire. Of course, I'm crushed right now. Not only will I not be bringing in a paycheck, but the man who has required all these things of me with the reward of getting a job, in one fell swoop took it away from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low right now. I can't imagine what is so horrible about having me in the office AND on payroll.
Well at least we have the house right? no, I called the investor at 6:45 on the 26th, and he said they are dragging out the process and had more paperwork for him to deal with. I guess that's ok, but I really needed some good news Wednesday.
So now no house, no job...
because I keep my promises, I went into the office Thursday and Friday knowing I was not going to be hired. I didn't do this for the owner, but for John, who has fought and pushed and tried everything he knew to do to get me hired. The man who spent the evening Wednesday reworking the schedule to fit me in a community. The man who is now another agent short and will probably have to just have 2 more communities closed during the week. I even wore the proper clothes today when all I wanted to do was wear a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. why should I care? Why would I even try to sell their homes and not steer people to other builders? Because that's just not who I am. My friends are upset with me, for me...but in the end, it comes down to me not being good enough. Jeremey told me last night I was foolish to care so much what this one guy thinks of me. People that love you are always going to see the best in you and I appreciated that so much this morning when I opened a little love letter from husband, encouraging me for the day.
I realize this isn't the best market to be in real estate. But I needed to prove to myself that I could do this without being a size 4, under 30, perfectly manicured and driving a Mercedes...and by saying I'm not good enough to work for his company, that's the message I'm getting.
And another piece of shocking news...my step-mom found my half-sister Trinity (from my dad b4 he met her) on myspace and she has now set up a facebook account to get to know all of us. She is 18, pregnant and living in a half-way house for girls in Reno according to my step-mom. I don't know how to deal with the same woman that pushed me away from my dad, encouraging his daughter from someone else to get to know not only my brother and I and her kids (we were not raised with and I haven't even met 2 of them) but a relationship with my dad. I guess you could say I'm already in a state of shock and the rug pulled out from under me and now this.
I'm so thankful for an amazing husband. This is a prime example of a time in my life when I would just run. Everything feels like it is falling apart but I have him so I can't run. So what do you do when you can't run? i guess that is where I am tonight. I want to spend money, go get my nails done, buy some clothes, have a glass of wine, SOMETHING. And all I can do is sit and will the tears to fall because they just aren't. Why won't they come when you feel like you need them to the most? Jeremiah 29:11...I'm trying to hold to the promises of the only person that won't break them. Even Jeremey will fail me at times (as much as I'd like to think he won't) I know that.
From a very early age I learned that you can't trust the people that were meant to teach you about things like trust...I guess it's my own fault for wanting to believe the best in people. For being too trusting-it's caused pain for not only me but others around me.
I don't know how to end this post. Need to go back to the Word and worship.
Thanks for letting me rant :(
Thursday, August 20, 2009
TIME
How in the world have 2 weeks passed without me blogging? It's not for lack of thoughts that is for sure! My how time does fly though. Now that we have moved to Nyssa, the commute home is a bit longer. When I am scheduled in Caldwell, it's not so bad but when I work in Kuna 2-3 days a week, well, I'm lucky to walk in the door at 8:15. I do have plenty of time to fiddle around in the morning...so I think and then find myself running late because I forget to add another half hour (at the minimum) for the commute IN! Goodness! Well for good news regarding the job though, I have been told I'll be coming on as an employee at the first of the month because the manager is doing some changing with people in communities and I'll "slide right in". This will be nice, I'll actually be bringing home a paycheck for the first time in over a year. Real estate is HARD work! So praise God for that!
In other news, we have been working with an investor who is buying the house we have been looking at and will sell it to us as a lease to own option. They will be closing the 26th (according to them) and then we'll get to work cleaning and ripping out carpet. YAY! The REAL fun begins! This will be my first home and since it is a fixer upper, I want to document all of it and take pictures from start to finish. I'll have to be on the ball with it though cuz I don't think Jeremey is as big on taking the pictures along the way and if he goes to work on it while I'm at work... lol
I'm so thrilled. I know this might be a challenge for some marriages, but I really see this as more bonding time for us and a strengthener. We will be putting the kids to work as well so they, along with me, will be learning some useful skills along the way. I just might become one of those all purpose realtors! My lack of sense of direction and measurements is a bit of a hindrance right now. who knew Interstate E and W weren't true directionals? probably everyone but me....
The kids start school Monday and they are all excited to go. My sister Malissa will be picking up the oldest at 6:50 every morning because they are in Jazz Band together. That will be nice for Amber to know someone already. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my mom's kids, my brothers kids and my kids all in the same school district. My youngest and my brother David are in 7th grade together, Lexi said she wanted to know what classes he was in. I said "oh, to see if you have classes together?" in a nice sunshiney voice and she said "No, to make sure we don't." haha The kids are still having a hard time grasping having an aunt and uncle in elementary school.
My MIL has been great! In sticking with tradition, she took them all shopping for their supplies. That's such a HUGE blessing! Especially when 3 out of 4 of them needed scientific calculators! She also bought each of them a few items of clothes-3 girls in skinny jeans...yikes. I don't know if I could get my arm in a pair! I guess as long as they can breathe and walk, we are ok right? Anyways, since my schedule right now is that I'm home on Mondays, that's been my night to cook dinner for everyone. I'm not a horrible cook but I'm intimidated by how great of a cook Jeremey is. So far, I've scored homeruns with the 3 meals I've been responsible for and I think it might be kind of nice for my MIL to come home from work to a nice hot meal for a change. :) She's such a neat lady-so many varied interests and an avid reader like we are so there are always books around we haven't read. I need to make another purse, I'm thinking I can do all the ironing and cutting out and then one evening when she's around (just in case), I can do the sewing.
I feel like I'm in a state of unsettled. Time flies by and my big accomplishments outside of work are laundry and a dinner once a week. I wish I could say I feel like I'm learning something, but I'm really not. I'm putting a lot of energy into learning my job here (so I'm better prepared) and the different things the company offers.
I took another assessment for personal growth and will be working with a coach in the next few weeks just to better myself. I've been doing a lot of growing the last year or so. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone more than once both as a Realtor and owner of our company and I think it's making me a better person...no, not better, more well-rounded as an individual. I've always been a team player but always at the bottom of the totem pole so I sometimes don't know what to do with myself now that I'm in positions of actually making decisions or authority! I think I'm on the right track though.
I do know this, I have not been making time to be in the Word lately and I need to re-prioritize. Instead of getting upset that the kids wake me up at 6 am (mock runs getting ready for school on time), I think I'll work on using that time to read my Bible. One thing that keeps sticking with me is Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you..." and I wonder about the things in life I must have missed out on for fear of not trusting in myself, my abilities, or in God being in control even when I was afraid.
In other news, we have been working with an investor who is buying the house we have been looking at and will sell it to us as a lease to own option. They will be closing the 26th (according to them) and then we'll get to work cleaning and ripping out carpet. YAY! The REAL fun begins! This will be my first home and since it is a fixer upper, I want to document all of it and take pictures from start to finish. I'll have to be on the ball with it though cuz I don't think Jeremey is as big on taking the pictures along the way and if he goes to work on it while I'm at work... lol
I'm so thrilled. I know this might be a challenge for some marriages, but I really see this as more bonding time for us and a strengthener. We will be putting the kids to work as well so they, along with me, will be learning some useful skills along the way. I just might become one of those all purpose realtors! My lack of sense of direction and measurements is a bit of a hindrance right now. who knew Interstate E and W weren't true directionals? probably everyone but me....
The kids start school Monday and they are all excited to go. My sister Malissa will be picking up the oldest at 6:50 every morning because they are in Jazz Band together. That will be nice for Amber to know someone already. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my mom's kids, my brothers kids and my kids all in the same school district. My youngest and my brother David are in 7th grade together, Lexi said she wanted to know what classes he was in. I said "oh, to see if you have classes together?" in a nice sunshiney voice and she said "No, to make sure we don't." haha The kids are still having a hard time grasping having an aunt and uncle in elementary school.
My MIL has been great! In sticking with tradition, she took them all shopping for their supplies. That's such a HUGE blessing! Especially when 3 out of 4 of them needed scientific calculators! She also bought each of them a few items of clothes-3 girls in skinny jeans...yikes. I don't know if I could get my arm in a pair! I guess as long as they can breathe and walk, we are ok right? Anyways, since my schedule right now is that I'm home on Mondays, that's been my night to cook dinner for everyone. I'm not a horrible cook but I'm intimidated by how great of a cook Jeremey is. So far, I've scored homeruns with the 3 meals I've been responsible for and I think it might be kind of nice for my MIL to come home from work to a nice hot meal for a change. :) She's such a neat lady-so many varied interests and an avid reader like we are so there are always books around we haven't read. I need to make another purse, I'm thinking I can do all the ironing and cutting out and then one evening when she's around (just in case), I can do the sewing.
I feel like I'm in a state of unsettled. Time flies by and my big accomplishments outside of work are laundry and a dinner once a week. I wish I could say I feel like I'm learning something, but I'm really not. I'm putting a lot of energy into learning my job here (so I'm better prepared) and the different things the company offers.
I took another assessment for personal growth and will be working with a coach in the next few weeks just to better myself. I've been doing a lot of growing the last year or so. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone more than once both as a Realtor and owner of our company and I think it's making me a better person...no, not better, more well-rounded as an individual. I've always been a team player but always at the bottom of the totem pole so I sometimes don't know what to do with myself now that I'm in positions of actually making decisions or authority! I think I'm on the right track though.
I do know this, I have not been making time to be in the Word lately and I need to re-prioritize. Instead of getting upset that the kids wake me up at 6 am (mock runs getting ready for school on time), I think I'll work on using that time to read my Bible. One thing that keeps sticking with me is Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you..." and I wonder about the things in life I must have missed out on for fear of not trusting in myself, my abilities, or in God being in control even when I was afraid.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Obedience
This morning's sermon was in Genesis 22. The chapter about Abraham being obedient and taking Isaac to be sacrificed. We've all heard the message and read the story many times so what made today different for me? Pastor Troy remarked on the fact that for Abraham to obey God and take Isaac to Mount Moriah, he had was on a journey for 3 days. 30 miles away he knew what the end of this journey would bring, the sacrifice and ultimately the death of dear Isaac. Or did he? When they got to the base of the mountain, he left his servants and told them to stay there, that he and the boy were going to worship and "we will return". Was that hope in
Abraham's heart that God would ultimately provide a different sacrifice?
As a parent I wonder what was going on in Abraham's mind those 3 days. Was he full of angst? Did he dote on Isaac? Did he proceed with joy and carry on as though he had all faith that Isaac would return with him?
Pastor Troy asked "would I go the distance in order to obey?" What if Abraham had decided that somewhere just a few miles away would have been just as well? Would a sacrifice have been found in Isaac's place anywhere but where God told Abraham to go?
There has always been speculation about why God asked Abraham to do this, one of the thoughts being, was Isaac becoming a thing of worship in place of God in Abraham's life? I know that (before I had stepkids) if someone had asked me to die for my daughter's life, I would have done it. But if I had been asked to lay down her life, I don't know that I could do it. I guess you could say I felt a bit of conviction for that even today. The Bible says God won't ask us to carry more than we could handle but parents sometimes lose their children, it's a fact of life. So would I ever be asked to prove my obedience by losing one of the people (or when I contemplated this idea in the past, THE person) I love the most in the world?
We moved on to chapter 23, when Sarah died and Pastor commented that he would rather die before his wife so he wouldn't have to live without her but then realized how selfish that was of him for her to have to carry on without him. I almost chuckled...I decided a long time ago that Jeremey and I just needed to die together in our sleep when we are old so that we don't have to be without each other and the kids wouldn't be left as orphans if we died young. I have it all worked out. ;-)
I pray that if asked to give up one of the people that I love the most dearly, God would give me the peace to do it and if His will, to provide another way. His love for us the ultimate and I would be hard pressed to choose life or death between my children and husband who all love me. But it must have been so immense the pain God felt to give Jesus, His only son, for those who turn their backs on Him and what He did for them on the cross.
I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was hanging out with Jesus. We were just walking along, talking like old friends. I still see in my mind how it felt so natural to be in His presence. We weren't going anywhere in particular, He wasn't teaching, we were just talking. When I woke I wondered if I was dreaming like that because of the series I've been reading about Jesus' life. I told Jeremey about it today and he said "Well isn't that the way it should be?". That's right, Jesus and I just hanging out enjoying our friendship...that IS the way it should be right? :)
Abraham's heart that God would ultimately provide a different sacrifice?
As a parent I wonder what was going on in Abraham's mind those 3 days. Was he full of angst? Did he dote on Isaac? Did he proceed with joy and carry on as though he had all faith that Isaac would return with him?
Pastor Troy asked "would I go the distance in order to obey?" What if Abraham had decided that somewhere just a few miles away would have been just as well? Would a sacrifice have been found in Isaac's place anywhere but where God told Abraham to go?
There has always been speculation about why God asked Abraham to do this, one of the thoughts being, was Isaac becoming a thing of worship in place of God in Abraham's life? I know that (before I had stepkids) if someone had asked me to die for my daughter's life, I would have done it. But if I had been asked to lay down her life, I don't know that I could do it. I guess you could say I felt a bit of conviction for that even today. The Bible says God won't ask us to carry more than we could handle but parents sometimes lose their children, it's a fact of life. So would I ever be asked to prove my obedience by losing one of the people (or when I contemplated this idea in the past, THE person) I love the most in the world?
We moved on to chapter 23, when Sarah died and Pastor commented that he would rather die before his wife so he wouldn't have to live without her but then realized how selfish that was of him for her to have to carry on without him. I almost chuckled...I decided a long time ago that Jeremey and I just needed to die together in our sleep when we are old so that we don't have to be without each other and the kids wouldn't be left as orphans if we died young. I have it all worked out. ;-)
I pray that if asked to give up one of the people that I love the most dearly, God would give me the peace to do it and if His will, to provide another way. His love for us the ultimate and I would be hard pressed to choose life or death between my children and husband who all love me. But it must have been so immense the pain God felt to give Jesus, His only son, for those who turn their backs on Him and what He did for them on the cross.
I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was hanging out with Jesus. We were just walking along, talking like old friends. I still see in my mind how it felt so natural to be in His presence. We weren't going anywhere in particular, He wasn't teaching, we were just talking. When I woke I wondered if I was dreaming like that because of the series I've been reading about Jesus' life. I told Jeremey about it today and he said "Well isn't that the way it should be?". That's right, Jesus and I just hanging out enjoying our friendship...that IS the way it should be right? :)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
a week already!
I can't believe it's been a week that we've been here at my MILs! On Wednesday Jeremey had to go take care of a customer in Weiser and called saying he'd be a few more hours (this was 7pm) so I took off to spend some time with him, and help if possible. We didn't get home until 1am. And it was all work! He didn't NEED me there with him, but we had some dinner together, library books to read, and a few stolen glances caught him watching me read with a huge smile on his face. :)
I don't know that I've ever made someone so happy just because I loved them. Maybe Lexi, but you take for granted that you love your kids and they love you sometimes. You can hide how you really feel from your kids, but with a spouse, they see all the bad times: the disappointments, dreams crushed, the things you can hide from everyone outside your bedroom door. But when that door closes and someone is with you, committed for life, they know your deepest pains and fears and choose to love you anyway.
But with God, He loved us before we were born, before we experienced pain and fear. Before disappointments caused our dreams to dim, and tears to fall, He knew us and loved us. And as when we watch our children take their first steps, or smile that first toothless smile at us, I think we get a glimpse (just the tiniest mind you) of what He feels for us. He smiles on us, laughs with us and gets pleasure out of watching us share His love with others. It is a love relationship and when that same angel writes on the walls with magic marker, though they need the reprimand, we still love them just as God still loves us no matter what we do. I'm learning as the kids get older that they have the power to say and do things that can break a parents heart. You love them, you have to let them make these choices for themselves, and yet want to spare them the pain you see they are in for. Hmmm God does the same thing. And just like those parents that keep that spare bedroom available when the prodigal comes home, God is always there waiting to welcome us back into His arms.
It seems funny to use the prodigal son as an example because here we are, staying with my Mother-In-Law. Even when we would come for a holiday or the kids to go on their vacation with her, they have their "rooms" in her house. We've always been welcome here. We weren't homeless (technically), we still have work within our company and I'm selling houses, it wasn't a situation that we HAD to come back for a time, it was a smart decision that will allow us to buy a home in a couple months. We didn't ask to come here, we explained our situation and the offer was made without hesitation. I'm thankful that she has the room for us and the heart to welcome us in. I think that is how it is with God, we are always welcome and only have to ask once...
I am sitting on our bed with so many thoughts coming to mind, I don't know if this even makes sense at this point. That's the nice thing about blogging, you can just throw your thoughts out there and they really don't have to make sense (unless of course, it's a business blog), to anyone but you. I admit sometimes I have epiphanies before I write a blog and then have to write about it, but sometimes I have them WHILE I'm writing.
One day, Rachael and I might finish our book. Who would have thought that two people blogging about their lives would lead to the desire to write together? I couldn't ask for a better partner in that venture either! A talented writer, and above all, cousin and friend. Can't wait to see her again.
I don't know that I've ever made someone so happy just because I loved them. Maybe Lexi, but you take for granted that you love your kids and they love you sometimes. You can hide how you really feel from your kids, but with a spouse, they see all the bad times: the disappointments, dreams crushed, the things you can hide from everyone outside your bedroom door. But when that door closes and someone is with you, committed for life, they know your deepest pains and fears and choose to love you anyway.
But with God, He loved us before we were born, before we experienced pain and fear. Before disappointments caused our dreams to dim, and tears to fall, He knew us and loved us. And as when we watch our children take their first steps, or smile that first toothless smile at us, I think we get a glimpse (just the tiniest mind you) of what He feels for us. He smiles on us, laughs with us and gets pleasure out of watching us share His love with others. It is a love relationship and when that same angel writes on the walls with magic marker, though they need the reprimand, we still love them just as God still loves us no matter what we do. I'm learning as the kids get older that they have the power to say and do things that can break a parents heart. You love them, you have to let them make these choices for themselves, and yet want to spare them the pain you see they are in for. Hmmm God does the same thing. And just like those parents that keep that spare bedroom available when the prodigal comes home, God is always there waiting to welcome us back into His arms.
It seems funny to use the prodigal son as an example because here we are, staying with my Mother-In-Law. Even when we would come for a holiday or the kids to go on their vacation with her, they have their "rooms" in her house. We've always been welcome here. We weren't homeless (technically), we still have work within our company and I'm selling houses, it wasn't a situation that we HAD to come back for a time, it was a smart decision that will allow us to buy a home in a couple months. We didn't ask to come here, we explained our situation and the offer was made without hesitation. I'm thankful that she has the room for us and the heart to welcome us in. I think that is how it is with God, we are always welcome and only have to ask once...
I am sitting on our bed with so many thoughts coming to mind, I don't know if this even makes sense at this point. That's the nice thing about blogging, you can just throw your thoughts out there and they really don't have to make sense (unless of course, it's a business blog), to anyone but you. I admit sometimes I have epiphanies before I write a blog and then have to write about it, but sometimes I have them WHILE I'm writing.
One day, Rachael and I might finish our book. Who would have thought that two people blogging about their lives would lead to the desire to write together? I couldn't ask for a better partner in that venture either! A talented writer, and above all, cousin and friend. Can't wait to see her again.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Whatever You're Doing...
It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right
what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing
inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life
something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
This is a song performed by Sanctus Real...another one of those that when I heard it, it was more than just another song that sounded great. So many times we sing along to whatever is playing on the radio but we don't really listen to the words. Do we really want to clean the old house up or do we slap some paint on the outside, go to service and say and do all the 'right' things and then leave the same nasty person we were inside before we came in the door?
There have been times in my life when I wanted to clean up or felt like I needed to, but I wasn't sure where to start or what needed done. I wasn't even sure sometimes that I needed cleaned up. Part of my problem with being raised in church...I had all the pat answers and things down, but what made this or that person different from me? Why did they seem to have it all together and not me? Was a bad person or just really too stupid to figure it all out? Yes, Jesus is my friend, yes God is my Father, yadda yadda...give me an earthly man to hug me and make me feel beautiful, give me a friend I can confide in and share all my fears and secrets with...I didn't want it to be just me and Jesus...I mean, that's great and all but I wanted something I could FEEL. I didn't FEEL Him because I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. Sure I felt guilt when I did wrong, but I viewed Jesus more as a Jimeny Crickett on my shoulder watching me and urging me to do good even when I wanted to do bad.
Now I know that Jesus is that friend I can share all my secret dreams, desires and fears with. I have a Father that loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and He knows above all others what is good for me. He allows us to suffer sometimes to lean on Him, it doesn't always work that way but the amazing thing is He gives us a CHOICE! I've been reading the A.D. Chronicles by Brock and Brodie Thoene and while they don't talk in great detail about the Roman and Greek gods/mythology, it makes me cry (yes, each book is an emotional ordeal for me) that these people walked with Jesus, saw the miracles and denied the miracles, denied Him as Messiah because they couldn't believe one could come and be a humble man that didn't storm in and boot Herod off the throne? My eyes water when I think of all the people that watched or even experienced a miracle healing and still wondered if He was Messiah. As much as it breaks my heart to think of all Jesus went through for me, how much more did it hurt God to watch it all and STILL give us choice.
My mind is simple and I cannot comprehend anything more than this: while I was still a sinner, Christ came (willingly) and died for my sins. That's a love that I cannot comprehend and yet I never want to feel separated from it again. God will never take it away through divorce or death, He will always love me and I will always be His baby girl.
Thank you for the prayers for Rachael, the surgery went well and no cancer in the lymph nodes! She is home and beginning the 2nd part of her journey. Please keep her in your prayers.
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right
what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
(Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing
inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life
something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
This is a song performed by Sanctus Real...another one of those that when I heard it, it was more than just another song that sounded great. So many times we sing along to whatever is playing on the radio but we don't really listen to the words. Do we really want to clean the old house up or do we slap some paint on the outside, go to service and say and do all the 'right' things and then leave the same nasty person we were inside before we came in the door?
There have been times in my life when I wanted to clean up or felt like I needed to, but I wasn't sure where to start or what needed done. I wasn't even sure sometimes that I needed cleaned up. Part of my problem with being raised in church...I had all the pat answers and things down, but what made this or that person different from me? Why did they seem to have it all together and not me? Was a bad person or just really too stupid to figure it all out? Yes, Jesus is my friend, yes God is my Father, yadda yadda...give me an earthly man to hug me and make me feel beautiful, give me a friend I can confide in and share all my fears and secrets with...I didn't want it to be just me and Jesus...I mean, that's great and all but I wanted something I could FEEL. I didn't FEEL Him because I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. Sure I felt guilt when I did wrong, but I viewed Jesus more as a Jimeny Crickett on my shoulder watching me and urging me to do good even when I wanted to do bad.
Now I know that Jesus is that friend I can share all my secret dreams, desires and fears with. I have a Father that loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and He knows above all others what is good for me. He allows us to suffer sometimes to lean on Him, it doesn't always work that way but the amazing thing is He gives us a CHOICE! I've been reading the A.D. Chronicles by Brock and Brodie Thoene and while they don't talk in great detail about the Roman and Greek gods/mythology, it makes me cry (yes, each book is an emotional ordeal for me) that these people walked with Jesus, saw the miracles and denied the miracles, denied Him as Messiah because they couldn't believe one could come and be a humble man that didn't storm in and boot Herod off the throne? My eyes water when I think of all the people that watched or even experienced a miracle healing and still wondered if He was Messiah. As much as it breaks my heart to think of all Jesus went through for me, how much more did it hurt God to watch it all and STILL give us choice.
My mind is simple and I cannot comprehend anything more than this: while I was still a sinner, Christ came (willingly) and died for my sins. That's a love that I cannot comprehend and yet I never want to feel separated from it again. God will never take it away through divorce or death, He will always love me and I will always be His baby girl.
Thank you for the prayers for Rachael, the surgery went well and no cancer in the lymph nodes! She is home and beginning the 2nd part of her journey. Please keep her in your prayers.
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