2010 already??

So I blogged last year on Jan 7th about my new life goals. Not resolutions, goals. They were:

build better relationships with the people I love
take time to develop my strengths and talents and put them to use
take time for each of my kids one-on-one
to try at least one new thing (hubby would be thrilled if I tried kayaking with him this summer)
to take a healthy action and turn it into a habit (8oz of water anyone?)
to read and study my Bible more
join at least one women's group for support and friendships

I can honestly say that I've done each and every one of these things. Maybe not enough that they are habit, but definitely more than I did before. We didn't go kayaking because we were too busy, not because I wouldn't so maybe this next summer (but we have to finish our house first!!).
The kids and I are all getting along really well now-much better than a year ago. The oldest is having "oh I'm leaving home in 2 years and every day is basically a countdown" thoughts. It's fun to actually see the maturing and growth before your eyes. So many times you look at your child and see them as 4 or 5 and you turn around and they are grown but I'm trying to really take the time to notice the kids and their individuality.

My beautiful cousin Rachael has won her victory over breast cancer this year. We got to see her more this year than any other year but she's been an amazing warrior and it's been a battle no one wants to go through-but if I had to, I pray I would have the strength and determination to make it through as good as she did. And she gets the great boobs in the end so I'm almost jealous ;-) Seriously, I love you Rachael and I pray 2010 will the most amazing year for you and your family.

My bio-dad somehow beat his terminal cancer diagnosis. His wife said it was the natural herbs and Native American healing rituals that she was able to cure him. I believe either Jesus wasn't ready for him to leave this world, or he was mis-diagnosed. This kind of cancer doesn't just go away, but I know his wife didn't heal him.

My marriage is as strong if not stronger than ever before. We celebrated 2 years of marriage in September and I can honestly say I've never known a love like the one we share.

We were able to buy a house this year. It's been a project and then some. We currently have no floor and we've had to remove some walls. We've had to replace some rotted floor joists but we'll be putting flooring back in soon, adding walls where we need to and then working on getting the rest of the floor done and walls painted. We might be able to move in at some point after that. :)

The kids are doing well academically and adjusting really well at their new school. Lexi is having the hardest time but I think it will get easier for her in time especially as she gets to know more kids here.

Our business is growing and is very successful. I sold 3 houses last year (unheard of for a rookie realtor in 2009 I think) and am actually looking for 3 different properties for 3 different clients right now. I could be happy with 3 deals a year in this economy. :)

My little sister is in beauty school and I had her give me hi lights the other day before Christmas. She did an amazing job and will be great at hair. I'm so proud of her. She also graduates high school this summer. I can hardly believe this little 6 year old girl that came to live with my parents 12 years ago could be such a cool and talented little sister.

It's just been an awesome year-not without tears and pain, but I feel blessed to be saying goodbye in one piece and I am anxious for the new year to begin. I am starting school Monday, with the plan to get a degree. I will get a 2 year here and then transfer for my 4 year to another college that I could do online or satellite. I'm just worried about getting through Math. :)

I've spent some new years eve nights thinking about how I would miss the last year but I am looking forward to moving on and growing this year.

Thankful heart

Ok, I had started a blog and then deleted it and didn't realize it would keep the date so this was really written November 27th...lol

Yesterday (Thanksgiving) would have been my dear Grandpa's 84th birthday. He has been gone 14 years now and though the pain has slightly dimmed, not many days go by that I don't think about him or what he would think about these beautiful grandkids and great-grandkids that have been born in these 14 years that will never know what an awesome man he was. I wonder what he would have thought or said when he held his first great-granddaughter in his arms, how proud he would be of the spouses we've added to the family, and the lives we all live now.

But I AM thankful I knew him for 20 years and for the legacy he left behind. I know he prayed for us everyday and I am sad that he isn't around to give a hug or advice, but I know those prayers were heard and I am thankful for his love and example.

I am also thankful for my husband -life is busy and stressful but I couldn't have asked for a husband that loves me as much as Jeremey does. Ok, I asked God to give me one MANY times, but i didn't think it was meant to happen for me after awhile...I'm really thankful God takes better care of me and knows what I need even when I don't think I deserve it.

I am thankful for my kids. Having 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 17 should be a nightmare but it isn't. Oh, we have our moments, but I cannot complain about the love they share and friendship as sisters that they share. And a son. I had all but given up on having a boy-and I was having so much fun with a girl that I wouldn't' have known what I was missing, but he is a bright spot and can be quite the comic (he thinks). :)

I am thankful for beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew that are so smart and though they suffer some awful emotional pain, they have not forgotten how to love and still open their hearts to those that love them.

I am thankful for aunts who have been shoulders to cry on and encouragement when I was in need. They spoiled me and took me everywhere when they were in high school, invited me to stay with them, helped me learn how to dress and even curl my bangs correctly. 4 amazing aunts that I am honored to have in my life.

I am thankful for cousins. Growing up without a sister (4 of us) made us closer as friends. We have all had our moments (probably like some sisters can-but how would we know?) of pain or misunderstanding with each other (and a LOT of jealousy on my part) but there has also been a LOT of love and support. And we all had some pretty awesome brothers that have been cool playmates in the past and good uncles to our kids and friends with our husbands.

I am thankful for the painful and scary times in my life because I wouldn't appreciate my life now if I hadn't had to go through them.

And I am thankful for Jesus-willing to die for me when I was not worthy. I love the word wretch because that is what we are. Our righteousness is like filthy rags...we couldn't do it on our own. We could get hung up on the legalities of church and religion but none of that matters to me or is as important as my relationship with Jesus. And because He loves me and wants a relationship with me, I am more than grateful.

worry...and a heavy heart

I think we skipped early fall and went head first into winter! The mornings and evenings are cold and the middle of the day-well it's definitley sweatshirt weather!



So much going on and yet nothing. I feel busy, like I'm always on the go but then I have to stop and think, what have I done today? I've never been in this place before and it's kind of nerve wracking. I've always had to work, always had to be the sole provider for everything: food, shelter, emotional and spiritual guidance...etc. Now, I've got this amazing husband who is the one responsible for all of that. I'm here to support him and help him when he needs it but I'm not supposed to worry about it right? I love the life we have, I love getting to go to work with him-the talks we get to have on the way to a customer and sometimes, the silence and comfort of just being together.

So the worrier in me, the one who has always HAD to be responsible for everything, feels guilty that I am not working a 9-5. I don't have young kids at home to raise and it's not like we couldn't use more income (it would help speed the process along with the house for sure!) but the doors just don't open for jobs that I apply for. I don't know if that means God is ok with me right where I am needing to learn to trust in Him for everything. He is Jehovah Jireh, I've been singing that song probably since before I could pronounce Jehovah...but do I really lean on Him? Is looking for and applying for jobs just being proactive or is it leaning on my OWN understanding?

It would be easy to get comfortable being my husbands helper but is that enough? I've never had anyone WANT to be that role in my life...what if he gets tired of me doing so little? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. I know that we are in this marriage until the good Lord calls one or both of us Home...but that fear of not doing enough keeps taunting me. It's so funny, I worry about this SO much and yet I am sitting here trying to remember ONE time Jeremey has asked me to get a job. He hasn't...he's asked me to put more into helping him grow Acme when he needs me but he's never asked me to go look outside the home or our business. I need peace when it comes to being the wife that is taken care of. The Proverbs 31 woman wasn't lazy and didn't NOT work, but she tended to the affairs of their business and home. I guess I dont' see what I do as work...am I a prideful woman that needs praise and adoration to make me feel useful? no wonder I'm in a funk. :( I always want to do what is right in the sight of God and my husband but I guess I fight myself more than anyone could ever do anymore.

AND aside from me, I have been made aware of a situation that involves someone I love dearly. I feel that the situation will cause this person a lot of pain and my heart breaks for him but there truly is no other way for the situation to be worked out.
Growing up and seeing how other little girls had relationships with their dad's and were adored by their daddy's, I sometimes wished this man could be my dad and while that isn't what God chose for me, I love him and my heart aches for the pain I expect he'll be experiencing the next few months...I am praying for him and everyone involved, that is all I can do.

When this song first came out I couldn't get enough of it...I was struggling with anxiety. sometimes even leaving the house, going to places where I wouldn't know anyone caused me so much pain. I would listen to this song over and over and know that I kept holding those chains that were keeping me down-I need to remember these lyrics whenever I keep hanging on to those things that aren't of God: (I put the song on here to the left in case you haven't heard it before)


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for change
Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need You and You alone
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for (change)
Still You patiently await
Yet I won't just let go I see
You and You alone
Saying freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom
The time has come separation lost the war to love
Take my hand gace has found you where You once began
You're Alive! You're Alive! in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love
There's only singing for freeom
I know I'm not only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for...
Father please I need rescuing I need You and You alone

Our Anniversary

today is the 2 year anniversary of me being Mrs. Weeks. It's been an awesome, crazy, sometimes chaotic 2 years, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. We had to do some work for a customer this morning, but afterwards we went to lunch, a coffee shop (and read sitting on a loveseat together), and then to a movie (The Proposal). It was a quiet day, one without the usual hoopla of an anniversary and yet, I sit here feeling loved and complete.

It's been a beautiful day, spent loving each other and I'm so thankful to have been blessed with his love. Some days I wonder how in the world he could love me the way he does and a still, small voice says "how much more does God love you?".

My past has left me short in the feeling loved department. Some people 'in the church' describe God as a Father who loves you more than anything and wants the best for you etc. But they don't realize that for people who have never felt that love from an earthly father, really have no concept of what that means. I got a glimpse when Lexi was born of how much He must love me from a parent's standpoint. But little children are supposed to love their parents and parents are supposed to love them. The love in a marriage is someone that loves you with everything in them, when they don't have to. I am truly grateful for not only a husband that loves me and cherishes me, but one who is also a Christian. I like not having to be the head of the house, the sole decision maker...I have a partner in everything I do and it's been amazing. I thank God for everyday that He gives me and Jeremey together and I pray for many, many more days, months, and years.

My heart is full...

of joy, peace, love, contentment, satisfaction...the list goes on. Life has a way of making you stand still and reassess where you are and where you need to be.

I never dreamed life could be like this; I need order, I need to know where the next paycheck is going to come from and when, I need to know what my plans are for next week because I just do. That's how I function and yet I am here waiting to get to the next step of fixing our house so we can move in. The job I wanted didn't work out, so what? Did I really say that? Yep. The house is ours now, it will still be there next week and next month (whether we are living in it is another issue entirely) and it's ok that we aren't any further than we are.

What surprises me is that I'm really ok with it. Not forever obviously, but we are safe, have a roof over our heads, income coming in, healthy and happy kids, food on the table...and I have the one thing I thought would elude me forever, an amazing husband and friend. Someone who loves me in the good times AND the bad, who doesn't see the flaws and imperfections that I do when I look in the mirror. And that is why I can sit here not knowing what the future holds and be content.

The adult Sunday School class at our new church got put off a week because they'd had 2 funerals the 2 days before. Since I was there early with the kids, I sat and read my Bible. Some notes I had written in the margin of Nehemiah caught my eye from a great study I sat in under Mike Sasso of Calvary Chapel Boise (GREAT Wednesday night teacher btw!). I sat and read the first few chapters and thought about some of the things I have learned since then. I was in a fairly contemplative mood and then time for the sermon and guess what? We were in Nehemiah 1! I can change a lot of things in my life, but I can't change many things in LIFE...I will focus on what I can change (do I really need that 5th Oreo?) and let go of the things I can't (why do people make stupid, rash decisions about things that affect not only them, but everyone around them??).

Amber came to us the other night wanting to join a band with some kids at school. They would only practice 1 night a week and possibly play some gigs at the local coffee house. We discussed with her some pros and cons-my answer was no, because and stated my reasons: , Jeremey's was yes, as long as conditions had to be met. I will honestly say I was upset that he ok'd it. For one thing, in the 20 minutes she spent talking about this group of kids, she explained that she and both of the guys had discussed going out as an option but that they weren't and well, you've only been in school 3 weeks with these kids. Going out with a guy is/should be about more than the flavor of the week or because you are the new girl. But I also respect Jeremey as my husband and if he is ok with it then all I can do is pray she makes healthy decisions. She came to us last night and said that she thought about all the things I'd said and it made sense and she decided not to join the band. I have to say I was relieved that she gave all of our discussion some thought and not just what she wanted to hear which was yes. That does a mom's heart good let me tell ya.

Well I'm sitting here feeling loved and content, wanting for nothing because I have it all. I truly am blessed and so thankful for God's love poured out on us in all the different ways only He can do.

Peter

today's message was in Acts 27:9-41.

Rev. Gene made a lot of great points but the thing that stood out to me the most was how Peter warned the Captain of the ship that all would be lost if they set sail but the Captain didn't heed the advice. Before very long a hurricane force (that's rough if you've never experienced one by the way) wind came along. Then: 21After the men had gone a long time without food, Paul stood up before them and said: "Men, you should have taken my advice not to sail from Crete; then you would have spared yourselves this damage and loss. 22But now I urge you to keep up your courage, because not one of you will be lost; only the ship will be destroyed. 23Last night an angel of the God whose I am and whom I serve stood beside me 24and said, 'Do not be afraid, Paul. You must stand trial before Caesar; and God has graciously given you the lives of all who sail with you.' 25So keep up your courage, men, for I have faith in God that it will happen just as he told me. 26Nevertheless, we must run aground on some island."

Note that Peter had been shipwrecked 3 times before this...I would like to think that he knew what he was talking about. They failed to heed sound advice, they had to suffer the consequences. And even though they were assured they would survive, they still had to deal with some of the repurcussions of not listening in the first place.

I guess it's human nature to want to think we know better than others. That we don't need their advice and sometimes we do get a 'way out' of the mess we were in...but it doesn't mean we are safe from the consequences. And sometimes there are tears and heartache along the way. I would hope that we would use whatever experience we have gone through to grow, and learn a little about ourselves and life. And growing closer to Christ, well, what better reward could we receive even though we don't deserve it?

September is a good month for the Weeks...

On the 22nd, we will celebrate 2 years of wedded bliss...sometimes I think "what? only 2 years?" and other times it's "I can't believe it's 2 years already". That's good right? :)

We've had our disagreements just like anyone else, but we've got a great marriage and we are truly happy.

Friday, the 4th, we got our keys to our new house. Today, we pulled up the carpet and padding in all but 2 rooms. It smells 1000 times better! I went through and took pictures and we'll be starting a blog chronicling the adventure of fixer upper home ownership...woot!

On another note, yesterday was Jeremey's grandma's 95th birthday and his family all came over for one of her favorite Mennonite recipes. Note that if all my family showed up it would be over 50 people...there were only 11 of us. lol Lexi wasn't here, but we had a great time. Grandma enjoyed being with everyone and all of her gifts.

I am starting to feel better. I got pretty tired this afternoon and have a lovely dry cough but the ibuprofen has taken away my headache and I don't have a fever anymore so that's good.

SURPRISE!

I've always known that there was a little girl out there that shared my gene pool but I'd always been told that her mom wouldn't let her have anything to do with my dad. I got a picture of the girl when she was 3-cute little thing and every once in awhile, I would think of her and hope she was ok.

My step mom found her on myspace and has started talking to her. She has asked about her family and Vonnie encouraged her to sign up for a facebook account so she could talk to us. Well, I've spent the weekend 'talking' to Trinity on facebook e-mail. She is 18, pregnant and living in a halfway house for girls with no where to go. It sounds like she has gone through a lot in her life, she hasn't lived with her mom since she was 15. She has been in some trouble but now that she is about to become a mom, it sounds like she is really trying to get her life on track.

I'm not sure exactly how I should feel about the whole situation. On one hand, she is my little sister, denied having siblings and a dad because of her mom. On the other hand, I was denied a relationship with my dad because of his current wife-who is now pushing for us to be one big happy family. So now when I barely get to have a relationship with my dad, I have to share him with a daughter he'd been denied a relationship with. He always wanted my brother, but did he want to know Trinity? Why can I not get over feeling like I was never wanted while they are pushing us to be one big happy family (with her kids too)? And now Trinity is sucked in. I told her she could ask me any questions she wanted to and if it got weird for her to talk to us, to not feel pressured. Do I let her in my heart as a sister and risk getting hurt? Do I just spend time getting to know her as a friend?

Just one more thing to deal with right now....the investor said 2 weeks on the house...I'm praying as I just don't know what else to do. I know that's really all I can do. And I'm praying for some more clients so I can sell some houses...we need $$ to pay for this house now! :)

Disappointment and failure

my heart and mind are overflowing with thoughts and yet when I try to put them into words, I hardly know where to start. I guess I'll start with Wednesday:

I was to meet the boss for what I thought was setting up a training schedule and getting assigned to a community. When I got there, I was told that he hadn't gotten the final ok from the owner/president and that he didn't seem to be in a good mood so that for my sake, he was waiting until Monday to talk to him. As usual, I say ok, that's fine, no problem. But I leave and I'm frustrated. Now that we've moved further out, I'm spending $60-70 a week on gas on top of food for lunches etc. I assumed I would be starting Monday and a paycheck would follow on the 15th. I get to the office and call Jeremey and we discussed the situation and I ended up letting John know that I needed an answer one way or the other as I felt like they were stringing me along for another week. At 5:40 pm the owner was in a meeting and John had to go pick up his kid so I knew I'd have to wait until Thursday for an answer. He called me at 10:30 and said that Mr. H, will NOT sign off on my paperwork no matter that I'd done all these things, written the action plan etc. I don't understand why I'm good enough to call on whenever they need help, but not good enough to hire. Of course, I'm crushed right now. Not only will I not be bringing in a paycheck, but the man who has required all these things of me with the reward of getting a job, in one fell swoop took it away from me. My self-esteem is at an all time low right now. I can't imagine what is so horrible about having me in the office AND on payroll.

Well at least we have the house right? no, I called the investor at 6:45 on the 26th, and he said they are dragging out the process and had more paperwork for him to deal with. I guess that's ok, but I really needed some good news Wednesday.

So now no house, no job...

because I keep my promises, I went into the office Thursday and Friday knowing I was not going to be hired. I didn't do this for the owner, but for John, who has fought and pushed and tried everything he knew to do to get me hired. The man who spent the evening Wednesday reworking the schedule to fit me in a community. The man who is now another agent short and will probably have to just have 2 more communities closed during the week. I even wore the proper clothes today when all I wanted to do was wear a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. why should I care? Why would I even try to sell their homes and not steer people to other builders? Because that's just not who I am. My friends are upset with me, for me...but in the end, it comes down to me not being good enough. Jeremey told me last night I was foolish to care so much what this one guy thinks of me. People that love you are always going to see the best in you and I appreciated that so much this morning when I opened a little love letter from husband, encouraging me for the day.

I realize this isn't the best market to be in real estate. But I needed to prove to myself that I could do this without being a size 4, under 30, perfectly manicured and driving a Mercedes...and by saying I'm not good enough to work for his company, that's the message I'm getting.

And another piece of shocking news...my step-mom found my half-sister Trinity (from my dad b4 he met her) on myspace and she has now set up a facebook account to get to know all of us. She is 18, pregnant and living in a half-way house for girls in Reno according to my step-mom. I don't know how to deal with the same woman that pushed me away from my dad, encouraging his daughter from someone else to get to know not only my brother and I and her kids (we were not raised with and I haven't even met 2 of them) but a relationship with my dad. I guess you could say I'm already in a state of shock and the rug pulled out from under me and now this.

I'm so thankful for an amazing husband. This is a prime example of a time in my life when I would just run. Everything feels like it is falling apart but I have him so I can't run. So what do you do when you can't run? i guess that is where I am tonight. I want to spend money, go get my nails done, buy some clothes, have a glass of wine, SOMETHING. And all I can do is sit and will the tears to fall because they just aren't. Why won't they come when you feel like you need them to the most? Jeremiah 29:11...I'm trying to hold to the promises of the only person that won't break them. Even Jeremey will fail me at times (as much as I'd like to think he won't) I know that.

From a very early age I learned that you can't trust the people that were meant to teach you about things like trust...I guess it's my own fault for wanting to believe the best in people. For being too trusting-it's caused pain for not only me but others around me.

I don't know how to end this post. Need to go back to the Word and worship.

Thanks for letting me rant :(

TIME

How in the world have 2 weeks passed without me blogging? It's not for lack of thoughts that is for sure! My how time does fly though. Now that we have moved to Nyssa, the commute home is a bit longer. When I am scheduled in Caldwell, it's not so bad but when I work in Kuna 2-3 days a week, well, I'm lucky to walk in the door at 8:15. I do have plenty of time to fiddle around in the morning...so I think and then find myself running late because I forget to add another half hour (at the minimum) for the commute IN! Goodness! Well for good news regarding the job though, I have been told I'll be coming on as an employee at the first of the month because the manager is doing some changing with people in communities and I'll "slide right in". This will be nice, I'll actually be bringing home a paycheck for the first time in over a year. Real estate is HARD work! So praise God for that!

In other news, we have been working with an investor who is buying the house we have been looking at and will sell it to us as a lease to own option. They will be closing the 26th (according to them) and then we'll get to work cleaning and ripping out carpet. YAY! The REAL fun begins! This will be my first home and since it is a fixer upper, I want to document all of it and take pictures from start to finish. I'll have to be on the ball with it though cuz I don't think Jeremey is as big on taking the pictures along the way and if he goes to work on it while I'm at work... lol

I'm so thrilled. I know this might be a challenge for some marriages, but I really see this as more bonding time for us and a strengthener. We will be putting the kids to work as well so they, along with me, will be learning some useful skills along the way. I just might become one of those all purpose realtors! My lack of sense of direction and measurements is a bit of a hindrance right now. who knew Interstate E and W weren't true directionals? probably everyone but me....

The kids start school Monday and they are all excited to go. My sister Malissa will be picking up the oldest at 6:50 every morning because they are in Jazz Band together. That will be nice for Amber to know someone already. I'm still trying to wrap my head around my mom's kids, my brothers kids and my kids all in the same school district. My youngest and my brother David are in 7th grade together, Lexi said she wanted to know what classes he was in. I said "oh, to see if you have classes together?" in a nice sunshiney voice and she said "No, to make sure we don't." haha The kids are still having a hard time grasping having an aunt and uncle in elementary school.

My MIL has been great! In sticking with tradition, she took them all shopping for their supplies. That's such a HUGE blessing! Especially when 3 out of 4 of them needed scientific calculators! She also bought each of them a few items of clothes-3 girls in skinny jeans...yikes. I don't know if I could get my arm in a pair! I guess as long as they can breathe and walk, we are ok right? Anyways, since my schedule right now is that I'm home on Mondays, that's been my night to cook dinner for everyone. I'm not a horrible cook but I'm intimidated by how great of a cook Jeremey is. So far, I've scored homeruns with the 3 meals I've been responsible for and I think it might be kind of nice for my MIL to come home from work to a nice hot meal for a change. :) She's such a neat lady-so many varied interests and an avid reader like we are so there are always books around we haven't read. I need to make another purse, I'm thinking I can do all the ironing and cutting out and then one evening when she's around (just in case), I can do the sewing.

I feel like I'm in a state of unsettled. Time flies by and my big accomplishments outside of work are laundry and a dinner once a week. I wish I could say I feel like I'm learning something, but I'm really not. I'm putting a lot of energy into learning my job here (so I'm better prepared) and the different things the company offers.

I took another assessment for personal growth and will be working with a coach in the next few weeks just to better myself. I've been doing a lot of growing the last year or so. I've been pushed out of my comfort zone more than once both as a Realtor and owner of our company and I think it's making me a better person...no, not better, more well-rounded as an individual. I've always been a team player but always at the bottom of the totem pole so I sometimes don't know what to do with myself now that I'm in positions of actually making decisions or authority! I think I'm on the right track though.

I do know this, I have not been making time to be in the Word lately and I need to re-prioritize. Instead of getting upset that the kids wake me up at 6 am (mock runs getting ready for school on time), I think I'll work on using that time to read my Bible. One thing that keeps sticking with me is Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for you..." and I wonder about the things in life I must have missed out on for fear of not trusting in myself, my abilities, or in God being in control even when I was afraid.

Obedience

This morning's sermon was in Genesis 22. The chapter about Abraham being obedient and taking Isaac to be sacrificed. We've all heard the message and read the story many times so what made today different for me? Pastor Troy remarked on the fact that for Abraham to obey God and take Isaac to Mount Moriah, he had was on a journey for 3 days. 30 miles away he knew what the end of this journey would bring, the sacrifice and ultimately the death of dear Isaac. Or did he? When they got to the base of the mountain, he left his servants and told them to stay there, that he and the boy were going to worship and "we will return". Was that hope in
Abraham's heart that God would ultimately provide a different sacrifice?

As a parent I wonder what was going on in Abraham's mind those 3 days. Was he full of angst? Did he dote on Isaac? Did he proceed with joy and carry on as though he had all faith that Isaac would return with him?

Pastor Troy asked "would I go the distance in order to obey?" What if Abraham had decided that somewhere just a few miles away would have been just as well? Would a sacrifice have been found in Isaac's place anywhere but where God told Abraham to go?

There has always been speculation about why God asked Abraham to do this, one of the thoughts being, was Isaac becoming a thing of worship in place of God in Abraham's life? I know that (before I had stepkids) if someone had asked me to die for my daughter's life, I would have done it. But if I had been asked to lay down her life, I don't know that I could do it. I guess you could say I felt a bit of conviction for that even today. The Bible says God won't ask us to carry more than we could handle but parents sometimes lose their children, it's a fact of life. So would I ever be asked to prove my obedience by losing one of the people (or when I contemplated this idea in the past, THE person) I love the most in the world?

We moved on to chapter 23, when Sarah died and Pastor commented that he would rather die before his wife so he wouldn't have to live without her but then realized how selfish that was of him for her to have to carry on without him. I almost chuckled...I decided a long time ago that Jeremey and I just needed to die together in our sleep when we are old so that we don't have to be without each other and the kids wouldn't be left as orphans if we died young. I have it all worked out. ;-)

I pray that if asked to give up one of the people that I love the most dearly, God would give me the peace to do it and if His will, to provide another way. His love for us the ultimate and I would be hard pressed to choose life or death between my children and husband who all love me. But it must have been so immense the pain God felt to give Jesus, His only son, for those who turn their backs on Him and what He did for them on the cross.

I had a dream a couple nights ago that I was hanging out with Jesus. We were just walking along, talking like old friends. I still see in my mind how it felt so natural to be in His presence. We weren't going anywhere in particular, He wasn't teaching, we were just talking. When I woke I wondered if I was dreaming like that because of the series I've been reading about Jesus' life. I told Jeremey about it today and he said "Well isn't that the way it should be?". That's right, Jesus and I just hanging out enjoying our friendship...that IS the way it should be right? :)

a week already!

I can't believe it's been a week that we've been here at my MILs! On Wednesday Jeremey had to go take care of a customer in Weiser and called saying he'd be a few more hours (this was 7pm) so I took off to spend some time with him, and help if possible. We didn't get home until 1am. And it was all work! He didn't NEED me there with him, but we had some dinner together, library books to read, and a few stolen glances caught him watching me read with a huge smile on his face. :)

I don't know that I've ever made someone so happy just because I loved them. Maybe Lexi, but you take for granted that you love your kids and they love you sometimes. You can hide how you really feel from your kids, but with a spouse, they see all the bad times: the disappointments, dreams crushed, the things you can hide from everyone outside your bedroom door. But when that door closes and someone is with you, committed for life, they know your deepest pains and fears and choose to love you anyway.

But with God, He loved us before we were born, before we experienced pain and fear. Before disappointments caused our dreams to dim, and tears to fall, He knew us and loved us. And as when we watch our children take their first steps, or smile that first toothless smile at us, I think we get a glimpse (just the tiniest mind you) of what He feels for us. He smiles on us, laughs with us and gets pleasure out of watching us share His love with others. It is a love relationship and when that same angel writes on the walls with magic marker, though they need the reprimand, we still love them just as God still loves us no matter what we do. I'm learning as the kids get older that they have the power to say and do things that can break a parents heart. You love them, you have to let them make these choices for themselves, and yet want to spare them the pain you see they are in for. Hmmm God does the same thing. And just like those parents that keep that spare bedroom available when the prodigal comes home, God is always there waiting to welcome us back into His arms.

It seems funny to use the prodigal son as an example because here we are, staying with my Mother-In-Law. Even when we would come for a holiday or the kids to go on their vacation with her, they have their "rooms" in her house. We've always been welcome here. We weren't homeless (technically), we still have work within our company and I'm selling houses, it wasn't a situation that we HAD to come back for a time, it was a smart decision that will allow us to buy a home in a couple months. We didn't ask to come here, we explained our situation and the offer was made without hesitation. I'm thankful that she has the room for us and the heart to welcome us in. I think that is how it is with God, we are always welcome and only have to ask once...

I am sitting on our bed with so many thoughts coming to mind, I don't know if this even makes sense at this point. That's the nice thing about blogging, you can just throw your thoughts out there and they really don't have to make sense (unless of course, it's a business blog), to anyone but you. I admit sometimes I have epiphanies before I write a blog and then have to write about it, but sometimes I have them WHILE I'm writing.

One day, Rachael and I might finish our book. Who would have thought that two people blogging about their lives would lead to the desire to write together? I couldn't ask for a better partner in that venture either! A talented writer, and above all, cousin and friend. Can't wait to see her again.

Whatever You're Doing...

It's time for healing
time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right
what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender
(Chorus)Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears
Whatever You're doing
inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life
something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

This is a song performed by Sanctus Real...another one of those that when I heard it, it was more than just another song that sounded great. So many times we sing along to whatever is playing on the radio but we don't really listen to the words. Do we really want to clean the old house up or do we slap some paint on the outside, go to service and say and do all the 'right' things and then leave the same nasty person we were inside before we came in the door?

There have been times in my life when I wanted to clean up or felt like I needed to, but I wasn't sure where to start or what needed done. I wasn't even sure sometimes that I needed cleaned up. Part of my problem with being raised in church...I had all the pat answers and things down, but what made this or that person different from me? Why did they seem to have it all together and not me? Was a bad person or just really too stupid to figure it all out? Yes, Jesus is my friend, yes God is my Father, yadda yadda...give me an earthly man to hug me and make me feel beautiful, give me a friend I can confide in and share all my fears and secrets with...I didn't want it to be just me and Jesus...I mean, that's great and all but I wanted something I could FEEL. I didn't FEEL Him because I didn't have a personal relationship with Him. Sure I felt guilt when I did wrong, but I viewed Jesus more as a Jimeny Crickett on my shoulder watching me and urging me to do good even when I wanted to do bad.

Now I know that Jesus is that friend I can share all my secret dreams, desires and fears with. I have a Father that loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and He knows above all others what is good for me. He allows us to suffer sometimes to lean on Him, it doesn't always work that way but the amazing thing is He gives us a CHOICE! I've been reading the A.D. Chronicles by Brock and Brodie Thoene and while they don't talk in great detail about the Roman and Greek gods/mythology, it makes me cry (yes, each book is an emotional ordeal for me) that these people walked with Jesus, saw the miracles and denied the miracles, denied Him as Messiah because they couldn't believe one could come and be a humble man that didn't storm in and boot Herod off the throne? My eyes water when I think of all the people that watched or even experienced a miracle healing and still wondered if He was Messiah. As much as it breaks my heart to think of all Jesus went through for me, how much more did it hurt God to watch it all and STILL give us choice.

My mind is simple and I cannot comprehend anything more than this: while I was still a sinner, Christ came (willingly) and died for my sins. That's a love that I cannot comprehend and yet I never want to feel separated from it again. God will never take it away through divorce or death, He will always love me and I will always be His baby girl.

Thank you for the prayers for Rachael, the surgery went well and no cancer in the lymph nodes! She is home and beginning the 2nd part of her journey. Please keep her in your prayers.

A lot of tears and fears...

My beautiful cousin Rachael is going in for her bilateral mastectomy tomorrow, July 30th. She has been so strong and courageous through the last 6 months and I think all of the emotions people face when diagnosed are just now hitting her. I cannot imagine being in her shoes right now.
I know that when I had cancer I just wanted to feel good. I wanted answers, I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok and I could feel normal again. With my cancer there weren't any treatments before surgery, just operate then radiate. I think being radioactive was the worse than 2 surgeries but only because I couldn't be with Lexi for a week. I lost my voice but that cannot compare to what Rach will be losing. I am thankful that she has such an awesome husband and support system in North Carolina, that makes being 3000 miles away a little more tolerable. I am thankful she has medical insurance and great doctors taking care of her through this leg of her journey.

Lexi was about the same age as Caitlyn so I think I know how Rachael feels when she won't be able to hold Caity bug for awhile. But I wasn't praising God and trying to learn what He might have in store for me. I wanted people to feel sorry for me instead I heard "Oh, I'd kind of forgot you had cancer, I guess when it's not you, you don't keep track". I wanted to know why God felt it necessary for me to suffer through another major life event...wasn't all I'd been through up to this point enough? Why can't the people whose lives are perfect in every other way have something go wrong with them? Oh Rach, if I could take that back I would. What I went through was nothing compared to what you are going through and you have remained strong in your commitment.

I keep thinking about Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. You have totally exemplified this and been such an example to others. You know, I never heard that last part 'because he trusteth in thee', but what an awesome thought, just because we trust in God and our minds are focused on God, we will be kept in peace. wow.

You said you wished you could be here to help me fix up our house...I should be the one there helping you right now. You are so selfless with your time and give to everyone, it's time for you to be the focus now.

Tomorrow you will not be alone in that operating room with doctors and nurses, but Jesus will be there holding you the whole time. We are all praying and trusting you in His care.
You are loved Rachael Renea!

When a friend passes away...

I found out a friend from Georgia passed away yesterday. While out on the job, he died of a heart attack. We weren't close friends, in fact, I haven't seen or spoken to Mike since I left Georgia in 2005. I found when I was in Georgia that not having family close by, you became family with those around you.
Many guys on the concrete crew traveled to work for this company and we got to know each other when I worked my 2nd shift with the company in the evenings. Mike was like a father to many of us that worked with him and he took to Lexi like a grandfather. He would sit with her and listen to her talk about school, advised her to "put some shellac on it" when her pumpkin started to rot (yeah, I had to ask what the heck shellac was), and when she complained of having high waters, he handed her a $20 and told her to make me take her to "buy some new britches".

He always had time to listen when I had a problem or question about the paperwork I was working with and when he made a smart alec remark and winked at you, his blue eyes twinkled with laughter. I think of him and other members of that crew often, and how they made working the evening shift bearable.

I was told the news through a friend on facebook and I googled his name for a death notice. When I saw his picture I just started crying. It's always sad to me when someone passes suddenly but he was only 57 and a great friend and help to me when I was feeling pretty alone in the world.

RIP Mike LeDet...

We are moving...

I got a call from the property management people we rent our house from and the owners want to put the house on the market. :( It's been a great house for us size wise, but truly not a home we would want to own so...we begin the process of packing and trying to figure out where we are going to go. School registration starts in 1 month. 4 weeks.

We start scouring Craigslist and driving around the town where we live to keep our kids here, no such luck. We thought we might be able to squeeze into a 3 bedroom...the one we found was so small I don't think my bed would have fit in the master...and it's only a queen! There's no way we could put 3 teenage girls in one room there. lol

SO...we felt we had to make a decision pretty quickly. Mostly cuz we needed to get the kids squared away for school. We started looking in MLS for some homes in our price range. Which is fixer upper price range. :) We found one where? the town we both swore we'd never move back to after growing up from there. We both still have tons of family from there which can be good sometimes, can be a pain other times. But since we hadn't started the lending process or anything we have to figure out something else...and then a miracle, my wonderful mother-in-law. She has opened her doors and invited us in to stay until we can get situated so the kids won't have to leave school midyear. This is good because our oldest is a jr and this will be her third high school in 3 years.

We are totally in love with this house and have been looking at flooring, counter tops, etc and dreaming. I know it will be pretty crushing if we don't get it, but we are trying to pray that if God wants us to have it, it will still be here when we are able to. It's a low price and not in TERRIBLE shape so we are also realistic that it may not stay on the market long.

As with most areas of life for me, I believe we come in in the middle with lending. We don't make enough to get a loan with some programs and we make too much with others. And as we are self-employed...do banks really loan money to people over 30 years whose income is in technology and the real estate fields?? I have to trust and leave it all in God's hands. He will provide a place for us to live. He already has, but I believe He will give us one of our own when the time is right.

So anyways, we've just been busy planning, packing, renting storage units (yes, units plural), oh and working. Can't drop our customers or leave them hanging. The kids have already gone on to stay with Grandma so we can load stuff up and not worry about beds or meals...lol

Say a little prayer for us, I know moving has to be one of the most stressful events for a married couple-this is our 3rd time and we've been married less than 2 years. We have different ideas about packing and how it should be done-cardboard or hefty cinch sacks...hmmm not a hard decision for me but well...different strokes for different folks right? lol

I truly, madly, deeply love my husband and although we disagree about moving methods, at the end of the day, our love is just as strong (if not stronger) and I think we appreciate each other a little more than we did the day before (if that's even possible). I'm so happy and even though this is stressful, I'm thankful we live near enough to family to make all this happen and we can stretch it out over a few weeks and not have to do it in just a couple days.

So thank you to my wonderful Mother-In-Law for giving up the single life for awhile and allowing your home to be taken over by a family of 6. Thanks kids for understanding that if we didn't have to move, we wouldn't take you out of the schools you love and away from the friends you made this year. Thank you husband for being so awesome and amazing and for loving me even when I get cranky while moving, and thank you to God for blessing us in ways we don't even see sometimes.

Selling selling selling

I'm pretty excited here...I've been sitting in the offices of a major Energy Star (R) home builder for a few weeks and I've got my name on 3 contracts. It's so great to know that I am finally seeing some fruit from my labor of schooling, testing, sitting open houses and talking til I'm blue in the face about houses, is all paying off. The bad part about selling houses that haven't been built yet is you don't get paid til it closes and that could be 4 months out...I guess I'll just consider it our Christmas fund. :)

I'm getting to do what I love and it's just great! I have really been blessed to get to do things I love...like be IN love with an amazing man (who happens to be as crazy about me as I am about him!), a cool (if I do say so myself) mom, a friend with big shoulders to cry on, and Realtor. I love all these hats. Sometimes it gets stressful to NEED to be something to someone all the time and yet I remember all those times and years I was lonely and begged for God to make me useful to SOMEONE...well I got it! :) I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have to remind myself in the bad times that I count these things as blessings in the good times. The stress can really put a person in a place where they aren't nice to be around. I have a family member that I think lives 24/7 in that place and has for so long that she wouldn't know what happy or relaxed was if it was given to her in a package.

Yes, being a mom can be stressful but it's all worth it when they do something to prove that they HAVE been listening! :) Same thing with any other hat you wear, there are good times and not so good times, you have to have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. Did I want to go through pain in the past? No, but I'm so glad I experienced the kind of pain that I did so that I can fully appreciate the love my husband and I share. I never want to take him for granted and I try to do something for him everyday to show my love.

My emotions are all over the board this week (and it's not girl stuff) and sometimes I think it would feel good to just sit down and have a good cry...but I might not stop. It's so weird to feel such extreme emotion like this and yet truly be happy. I've always had extreme emotions in misery and pain...but to be happy and feel this level of sad at the same time? Is that the ultimate oxymoron?

I look around at the pain in the world and even just in my own country the politics and unrest and bickering and wasted money and it is easy to begin to feel fearful but I just have to remember that the powerful and only God that I serve has a plan for my life:

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
New International Version (NIV)Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society

Beloved

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

Give me your life

Lust and the lies

The past you're afraid I might see

You've been running away from me

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us

It binds you to me

It's a mystery

Love of my life

Look deep in my eyes

There you will find what you need

I'm the giver of life

I'll clothe you in white

My immaculate bride you will be

Oh come running home to me yeah *now*

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours and

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me yea now now



Well you've been a mistress, my wife

Chasing lovers it won't satisfy

Won't you let me make you my bride

You will drink of my lips

And taste new life

You're my beloved

Lover I'm yours

Death shall not part us

It's you I died for

For better or worse

Forever we'll be

Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me

You're my beloved

Forever we'll be

Our love it unites us

And it binds you to me

It's a mystery



I put a bunch of songs onto my MP3 player for our trip to Seattle and even though I've heard this one before, I had a lot of time to focus on it. I can't stop playing it. I can't stop crying when I play it. It sounds as if I've been a big cry baby for the past week...I have been. The song speaks to me on so many levels and I just HAVE to figure out why. When a song touches me like this it consumes me. I can't stop singing it, humming it, thinking of the lyrics...why? What is it that grabs me so? The music is incredible first of all...I'm in love with that! I cringe for giving up piano lessons all those years ago...could I ever have been good enough to play REAL music and not just teapot songs?

Secondly, it speaks to me as a woman who was searching for love. I have been a Christian all my life (even though a few years of worldly living might have caused some to wonder-especially if they knew me back then) but I did not have the love a daddy should have for his little girl. I was 12 by the time my mom re-married a good guy, but so much damage had already been done. I wasn't wanted by my real dad, he and my mom only fought over who got to keep my little brother. I had a wonderful Grandpa that I pretended was my dad (yeah, I thought my life was over when he passed away) for a long time. Even as a kid and then teen, it's really hard to buy the 'let God be your dad' speeches. As a kid, I didn't know how to feel that. God is love and all that, but how do you KNOW what love is? How do you grasp the vastness of LOVE as a young girl wanting acceptance from a man? It wasn't until just a few years ago I finally felt like I had an inkling of what being loved, truly LOVED by God meant. I suffered through many self-inflicted wounds of the heart. Wounds that could have been avoided had the adult men in my life showed me what it was like to be loved.

The third thing that grasps me in this song is the very first verse: "Give me your life Lust and the lies The past you're afraid I might see You've been running away from me" I did a lot of running away back then. Why would God want to look in my eyes? Why would He want my life? I didn't see any value in it how could He? Then I met the most amazing man and when I knew things were starting to get serious, I'd call him with tears in my eyes knowing that when I told him about this or that part of my past, he would dump me for someone who lived better than I did. But he didn't. He didn't want the details, he didn't want to know, he was falling in love with me and didn't care about the things in my past as reason to be or not be with me, but only how they affected me because I was the only one that hadn't forgiven me.
I know he isn't God, but when I think about the depth of love this man (now my husband) could have for me when he didn't HAVE to love me...I believe I see a glimpse of how much God loves me and has always loved me. He knew everything I did and forgave me when I asked, the only one that held those things against me was me. I am HIS beloved...HE wants me no matter what...HE died for me AND He WANTS to be with me. It truly is a mystery to my simple mind the hows and whys of the depth of God's love for us but I am so thankful.
I know that I am married to the love of my life, my best friend. But to think that God thinks of me as the love of His life...WOW, I'm just blown away. I'm overwhelmed....

irritation

I was going to try to use this to blog only when I had good and wonderful things to say but I'm really just in shock of what I heard about happening to our friends and I just need to vent a bit.

Our pastor friends have felt God lead them to move to Alaska. He was sent to the church he is in to build and kept getting shot down-God will only let you say no to Him before moving the one He put in charge right?

So I'm a little emotional but who am I to argue with God about where they should be? I called to invite them over for a dinner with us and their kids. They have a 17 year old (who happens to be our oldest daughter's boyfriend) and a 15 year old girl still at home. I was at the office when they came over for dinner but my husband said we had to go to Seattle and he would explain later. Well as you can imagine, with all the arrangments to move somewhere where there are no roads, minds were busy and overwhelmed. Our friend didn't realize he couldn't pull their SUV on a trailer behind the moving truck.

We offer to help and it's a good thing. The wife just had knee surgery so it would just be the Dad and the daughter (son is staying behind to complete an intern-like job until August) unloading ALL their stuff from the moving truck into the POD. We thought about just one of us driving up and then flying back but it would be nice to get away together, even if just for a few days so we decided I would drive our van and hubby will drive their rig. We leave tomorrow, unload Tuesday and come home Wednesday after telling them goodbye. :( I'm tearing up already.

So they have been using the last month to pack, yard sale, decide what goes, what stays etc. It's a big job considering they can't drive the stuff TO their new place. He also kept up his duties at the church-even preaching today. Well they announced that they would need help Saturday at the house to load the truck. Less than 15 people showed up. They didn't get it finished in time. Thankfully the lady doing announcements got up and said by the way, we REALLY need your help so they can get on the road Monday. A few more showed up and they were able to get the truck loaded but I am just so hurt that a church family they have led for over 5 years would not show up to help them. My mind is just boggled. He's been their shepard! There for weddings, funerals, sick children and parents, youth campouts, mens retreats, dogsitting and everything in-between...

I don't know how they felt but I can't help being hurt. I feel like those people should be ashamed of themselves. If my family were part of a church where the Pastor asked for help, we would have been there at 9am instead of the set 1pm. I just don't get people. Where is their sense of respect and honor for their leaders?

I can't imagine loving and caring for people when they need you and then when you need them, only a small handful of women and elderly men are to be found!

And because you will ask why we weren't there...our oldest daughter was there, my MIL was there and we felt like we needed to let the church family help. Had we known then and not found out at 7pm tonight...We've also been over several days the last month on different occassions. We will also be the only ones helping them unload a 26' truck into a POD...

Isn't this how you show you care and appreciate others by helping them in need?

Happy and Blessed-repost from FB notes

So I set my status on Facebook to being happy and blessed and someone asked me to elaborate so I thought this would be easier.
I'm going through a lot of things in life right nowmy dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than 1 year to live and we are cramming 20 years of not having a relationship into getting past hi, goodbye, and the mandatory I love yous.
my cousin and best friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 33 with 3 young kids and fighting the battle with more strength and such an awesome positive attitude...but I miss her and would love to be closer to her physically so I could help.
I reactivated my real estate license and have been asked to help out where I was working before except now I'm licensed and can actually sell houses so I'm 'working' 4-5 days a week doing that.
Our business has been growing by leaps and bounds and we are getting ready to launch a new hardware line, which will be a huge boom to our company and our bottom line. Oh and somewhere in the mix here there are networking events to help promote the business and Chamber of commerce events.
Still have to come home and be mom to 4 kids after wearing all those other hats all day. Our youngest has to visit her dad off and on through the summer and isnt' having a great time on some days and not being treated as well as she should.
A pastor friend of ours has taken a church in Alaska and we will be helping them next week drive their vehicle and unload their stuff from the Penske truck into the POD in Seattle where it will then be put on a barge for Nome. It will be a quick 3 day 'vacation'

Ok, this is just my everyday stuff that's going on and normally I would feel overwhelmed, worried about how we are going to get money from this job to pay for the stuff for that job and how we can afford to take the time from our other jobs to make this trip happen to help our friends and on and on and on. I have struggled with depression in the past and I know how easy it is to go there which I don't want to do so I have chosen to be happy and thankful right now-not overwhelmed and scared. I know God is watching over us, He is taking care of us and nothing will come up against us that He won't give us the strength to handle. I know that I have forgiven my dad for the lack of relationship and even though I'm not ready for him to go because I don't believe he's spritually ready to go, I have to leave that in God's hands. My cousin? She has been amazing through this whole journey and I'm so honored she is sharing all of it with the family in the west through blogging and facebook. Even though she is the one with the disease, she is truly uplifting just watching how she deals with everything from day to day.
Our business? wow, how truly amazing in this economy to be growing and PROSPERING! Real estate? you actually NEED people in this economy? I truly do have so much to be thankful for.

The other day I was beginning to let the enormity of all we have going on get to me and Jake told me to read 1 Peter 1: 3-9 I'm glad I did because it really helped me. I have to change my focus to where it needs to be: on God and He WILL take care of the rest. And I pray that i have the peace to handle the things that come our way that we weren't expecting, like the broken stem valve on a tire today...if Jeremey hadn't noticed it, it could have been a real problem today and I'm thankful we are safe since we made 2 trips to Weiser and one to Boise today. There's just so much more to be thankful for than to be worried about. I can't change the things I'd be worrying about anyway so why not be thankful in all things for all things? anyways, I know I'm just kind of going on but I cannot express how freeing it is to fullly trust in God. That used to sound so cliche to me and I would get so frustrated when well-meaning people would give all the same pat answers to problems and questions. Now here I sit KNOWING I am loved and not just wondering. I don't have to have all the answers for tomorrow...today will bring its own challenges and I just have to get through those.

I used to sing along to those 80's rock band ballads and think that songwriters were so imaginative to come up with such strong feelings because people only love like that in the movies. Well I met Jeremey and my life has changed so much for the better. Somedays I catch him looking at me and I ask why. The usual answer is why not? He says he loves the way I look and that I'm beautiful! That's not the only reason why I love him but he truly showed me how a husband should love and cherish a wife and I am so thankful and undeserving, just like I am undeserving of the sacrifice Christ made for me. I don't deserve it and I mess up everyday, but my heart is so full of gratitude that He loves me that much. More than my husband and kids could even fathom loving me...wow, I'm just blown away...

amazing things in life

i find that i am fighting myself in one area and growing in the others...my life is so blessed that when you look at the grand scheme of things the ratio isn't so bad right?

The other day I got an e-mail from my amazing cousin and friend Rachael. She is amazing to me because she is a great person, wonderful mother and a breast cancer warrior. Anyways, I get an e-mail from her and it said Book in the subject line. We are both pretty avid readers of Christian fiction so I was just expecting her to send me the title of a new book to read and it wasn't. She had a great idea for the two of us to write a book together. WOW, an amazing idea. I had some ideas, she had some ideas and we just went with it in an afternoon of e-mails back and forth...and outlined the idea of it. I will write chapter 1 and she'll write chapter 2 and so on. We may not do anything with it but i've always like writing, i love reading and she does too so why not? It will give her something to do while she is laid up in bed after her surgery next month and something for me to do that expands my self-imposed limited horizons.

I usually hate change and being pushed. Hubby commented the other day how much I've changed willingly going to networking events without having a nervous breakdown the day of. It's to put food on the table right? ummm well ok, it's kind of fun too. :) So I guess I'm happy that opportunities are presenting themselves since I would not have the guts to go after them without being prodded a bit...

I have to give credit where credit is due, my hubby is so amazingly patient with me in my insecurities. I've posed a hundred questions that started with Honey, if.... or Honey, what if... or Honey, why do guys....? and he patiently explains, kisses away the fears/insecurities, and puts up with me in general. I love him so much! He's so good to me.

When I think about my husband and my kids and how much they love me and how much I love them, I am awestruck that God loves me even more. He has always loved me, always wanted the best for me. I am sad sometimes to think about how many wonderful opportunities He has presented to me and I missed them because I was afraid to step out of my comfort zone. :( I'm sure that every day I fail to meet the expectations I have for myself because I think they are what He wants me to do. I know that I could talk to Him more, read more of His word daily, worship Him more...those are things I do with my husband because I love and honor him, why wouldn't I give God as much or more? He has richly blessed me and I will serve Him everyday that I live...I owe Him so much more.

I know I've just kind of rambled here but my thoughts keep coming back to one theme and I don't want to miss it...God deserves more of me than I've been giving Him. Thank you Father for all you have given me and blessed me with...

YIPPEEE!!

Well I just got my first listing tonight. I'm so excited to help this family sell this home. It's been an investment property for them and they are ready to move on. I hope I can facilitate that soon for them!

I did not give up doing real estate last fall very happily. I was upset, felt like a failure, and held a grudge towards the work of the business my husband and I owned because he needed me to work it with him at the time. Sometimes you hit on a hard time and we had to sit down and look at where we were and what we needed to get where we NEEDED to be because where we were, wasn't working. (say that 3 times fast!). I laid down that desire to do the real estate thinking this wasn't the time in my life. We knew I would have to reactivate and get the rest of my continuing education credits to keep my license valid, but I didn't think I'd actually get to reactivate and use it. I guess I can't really put words in God's mouth, but I felt like he was saying ok, you laid it down for the time I asked of you, you can have it back now. Maybe I'm trying to put a spiritual spin on something that isn't...but I have felt so free and at peace pursuing the options I have in realty right now.

God really is awesome. He loves us so much and really wants to give us the desires of our hearts. He created us, He knows our desires and wants and like an earthly parent, wants to give them to us. But He also knows the future and sometimes, the things we want aren't good for us-and we can't always see or understand it.

My heart's desire is to be the woman He created me to be. I hope to take every new experience and learn from it.

Birthday love

I have such an amazing husband. He invited my parents (which includes 5 kids), my brother (which includes 4 kids) my grandma, and his mom to have dinner with us for my birthday with us and our 4 kids. Yep-20 some odd people. He went to a lot of trouble to fix my favorite meal (tacos) for everyone and had a wonderful gift in mind-but he found out about the lady too late so we will probably still have it done. She draws pictures from photographs and my hubby was going to get some pictures of me and my grandpa and have her draw us together in a picture in several different scenes. oh what an amazing surprise that would have been! I almost cried when he told me.

He is so thoughtful and so loving. I've never felt so loved and cherished as I do when he does things like this for me. No one I've ever been in a relationship with has ever treated me like I was important and special. I'm blown away by his love.

We had an issue with some of the invitees and only ended up with 2 people, but that's ok because I know who really loves me and cares about me.

My little Lexi went to the bookstore at our church when we were early one day apparently and bought me a new Bible. totally unexpected. My son got me a Caramello bar (which he'd been hanging on to for a month so i was proud of him for that) and my other youngest daughter gave me some lotion. My MIL got me some lotion, a MWS Worship DVD and gift card to LB (woot) and Grandma got me a Pampered Chef food chopper which we've been wanting! My friend Lindsay made me some Amish Friendship bread so we could have it for the party and she gave me a start. I was so excited-I've never had a recipe to do that with so it should be fun. I'll have to start making the end of the year teacher gifts ;) haha.

My oldest had prom this weekend with her boyfriend (well she called him that tonight...first we knew it was official haha) and my little sister came and helped do her hair and makeup. She looked absolutely beautiful and said a lot of the guys commented that to her boyfriend so it made her feel good to make him look/feel good too.

It's just been an awesome day. I've had some thoughts brewing in my mind for a few days but I'm not quite ready to put them down on 'paper'. I'm just feeling amazing and loved today and want to keep it that way...

When The Rain Comes

I might be behind the times, I am just hearing this song for the first time tonight but I was really impressed with the lyrics. I've been a Third Day fan forever so I am ashamed to admit not hearing this before now, but I know I need it and probably some others do too. I added the song so feel free to read along while it plays!

When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comesI will hold you

Short but oh so sweet. I think my favorite lines are I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again. God never promised we would never have rain or pain or trials in this earthly life. He promised to never leave us. Sometimes in my human mind and understanding, that just isn't enough and yet when I really think about what it means that HE will never leave me...I'm in awe. My heart is really full tonight-I'm trying to be better, get better...believe that I am better than what I tell myself I am. Last summer I was doing a devotional (Girlfriends in God if you want to check it out-I highly recommend) and the writer of the particular devotion said something that I need to remember everyday: "When we assassinate our own character with words, we destroy our self-esteem and stop ourselves from purposeful living; we become who we say we are." I wrote it down because I knew it was powerful and something I needed to remember. Everyday I fight the voices in my head-they aren't all mine. Voices from the past still cause me pain "you are ugly" "miss piggy" "you need to diet" "if you eat that you are going to look like ______ (fill in the blank). Twenty some odd years later and I'm still hearing those words. Getting dressed every morning hurts me because even though it's a cute shirt, I hear "oh look how stupid you look with that fat muffin top".
I have fought many battles in my life, but the battle of self-confidence is one I have yet to even manage much less win.
When I talked to a friend about this, she said I needed to remember my identity is in Christ, not my weight. My hubby says no one cares about my weight as much as I do. He is probably right in so many ways...so why can't I let it go and just learn to love myself?
I just have to fall back on Him. Let him be my strength and confidence.
I have striven to make everyone around me happy but I don't know how to be happy with me. It's a very frustrating thing to fear walking into a store alone. I feel so stupid for being afraid and then the whole cycle just keeps on the ugly path until I feel so insignificant why did I think I could walk in this store.
I watch women who seem to have so much confidence and I pick out every little thing I can see in 30 seconds as to why they are better than me and deserve that confidence.
I'm tired of 'assassinating my character' and I'm working on not doing it anymore...it's time to build myself up and think of myself as a dear friend that deserves better from me than what I've been giving her.

1 Goal accomplished!

Ok, here is the finished product! It's such a cute purse, I'm still surprised that I made it.

My 2nd mom, Janine was SO patient with me and really took the time to explain the stuff I wasn't clear on. She was the picture of patience with me and I'm SO grateful! I had a lot of fun making the purse and watching it come together. I would hold it up at times and think to myself, "wow, I'm really doing this!".

I have to say though for someone that can't draw a straight line (or cut one for that matter) with a ruler, and who has no depth perception, stripes may not have been the best way to go. LOL I thought I was going cross-eyed a couple of times but it really turned out cute. We tried to improvise a bit on the shoulder strap and although it didn't turn out like it was supposed to, it actually works best for the purse. phew!

Of course, my wonderful, supportive husband wanted to look at it as soon as I walked in the door. I got the proper ooh's and ahh's from a husband and then sat on the couch in sheer exhaustion! Who knew sewing could take so much concentration and effort? I was at it for 6 hours on the purse...maybe I should give it up? nah...it was too fun. I have the material, I could actually cut out the pattern for the 2nd one in my collection....haha not yet.

Lexi saw the purse the next morning and after the appropriate compliments on it, I saw her trying to go up to her room with it on her shoulder. If I give it to her, then I have to make at least 2 more purses in my sewing career...one for each of my other two girls. lol

Maybe I'll start making them as gifts...I better practice more-but hey, it's fun!

Sewing Lesson

So tomorrow I am going over to my mother-in-law's to attempt to sew my first project. When we were on our honeymoon, walking around Saturday Market, I noticed women carrying the cutest purses and I decided I needed one to put my treasures (purchases) in as well so I would fit in with the Portland crowd. ;-)

On our way home, I looked at Jeremey and said I bet this purse wouldn't be that hard to make. He said well when we get home, go to Jo Ann's and get a pattern and stuff and make one. It took me an hour to pick out the material I thought I wanted. When I get home and fretted a bit and thought "what was I thinking, I've never sewn before!!" and he said oh, well you will probably throw your first one away anyways. UGG...not this beautiful material I picked out!! So, the stuff went in a drawer not to be seen or discussed again for a year and a half or so.

It must have been the whole "trying something new" thought process but I brought up making the purse again to Jeremey and he said to go for it. I talked to my aunt about it and she encouraged me to do it too so I went back to Jo Ann's and found a cute material. I won't cry if it doesn't turn out, but it's cute enough that if it looks ok, I'd still use it.

Now the fun part...I haven't sewn anything in my life, despite that A+ from Home Ec. (sorry Mrs. Williams!!). I had laid out the material and the pattern but my mom, the "seamstress" yelled that I was about to cut it wrong and sent me to bed. When I woke up, the sewing fairy had left me a perfect vest to turn in. I never attempted to sew again after that. So tomorrow will be fun...the best part? I love my MIL, she loves me, and she was my 4th grade teacher so we already kind of have this teacher/student relationship. :) haha

And we've already decided we'd have our lunch at A&W...because you know, we might need a break after we start to clear our minds or something to that effect.

I'll try to post a picture when I get done with it. :)

Life is good...

I spoke to a group of women a couple weeks ago and I was SO nervous! The ones I know from there, I've known for years.

It's weird when I was writing about Talents (see post below) I was thinking about how important I felt the message was and it's a shame more people, especially women, don't hear it. Then I chuckled to myself and thought, wouldn't that be funny if I got asked to speak at Women of Destiny? This is exactly what I would talk about.

A couple weeks after that I was in my friend's flower shop and she asked me to speak at Women of Destiny. I told her I would and we set a date.

My friend from CORE Groups came for moral support...I couldn't believe how nervous I was. My hands and voice were shaking, my mouth felt like I'd stuffed a few cotton balls in there, it felt like it was about 200 degrees behind the podium, and I kept thinking, what was I thinking when I chose to talk about this? Almost all of these women are retired...they aren't going to care about this. But I felt God wanted me to talk about it and I really ended up speaking more about myself and what I've discovered with the talents than telling them to go do it for themselves. My Grandma showed up and it made me even more nervous that she was there. I cried a couple of times-made sense since one of my talents is empathy-even if I was crying for myself. haha

When I was done, many of the women had some thoughts to share with me and I was afraid I was going to be critiqued but none of them were negative in what they had to say. Some of them cried during my talk too so maybe it opened their eyes to some things in their lives? God is in control of it and I prayed that He would have me say the words He wanted spoken to that group of women.

They meet every Wednesday and it was strange but I got a phone call Tuesday night from one of the ladies asking if I was going to go the next morning. I hadn't really thought of it honestly but she said she had some things she wanted to talk about with me after hearing me talk the week before. She has written a book about bargain hunting and how to cook healthy on a small budget (she had 9 kids so she knows what she's talking about). She wants me to look at it and possibly find ways to help her share it. The reason she thought of me was because I had talked about working in the halfway houses, shelters, etc. and teaching women there the basics of being in the kitchen. So many young women don't know how to compare prices in the grocery store etc. My talk opened up a door, it may not be for my benefit, but for the benefit of this sweet lady.

I'm glad I talked and I hope the next time God lays something on my heart to share with someone, I won't be as nervous and doubting of myself.

So many people are worrying about the future right now-but I know who holds tomorrow and I'm doing my best to trust in Him and not worry so much anymore. I think when we can learn this lesson, life will be so much better than we ever could have hoped or dreamed.

I am so blessed

I have been sitting here thinking about life and the mountains and valley's I've gone through to get where I am today.

There have been times in my life when I wondered if tomorrow would ever be better than today and times when I had wished there could just be no tomorrow because it just hurt too bad.

I am so glad that God spared me in those very dark and desperate days. I have not made the best decisions at times in my life, but I've been able to come out stronger and more independent than I was when the trial started.

I've allowed myself to wallow in the why me?'s. I am not perfect, I am just a girl that has been hurt, rejected, and longing to know what it is like to have all the pieces of my life fit together and just be that way. What could I do to make the world be mine for a time? what I didn't want to see is that even those people with perfect lives on the outside, had trouble or were hurting on the inside. Do they have the problems I have had? probably not. They don't seem to lack for any of the things I did like love, money (to live comfortably-not excessive), health, or just to know that they were the apple of someone's eye. But does that mean I am stubborn and hard-headed and have to be beaten down to learn or does it mean I'm just stronger because I've gone through it and I survived? I don't know the answers to the questions in my mind. I struggle and feel guilty that someone else is hurting and I can't make it go away for them...

I have been a very happy and blessed woman for two years now. There haven't been any mountains or valleys, just a few ups and downs that are normal for someone in my position. I have a husband that loves and cherishes me, kids that don't cause us grief (besides the normal stuff), a successful business, a nice home with central heat and air, and a desire to become a better person and most of all, a desire to better serve my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am thankful for the pain and the trials that made me who I am today. I feel like I went through them, so I could appreciate the things I do have now and I pray I never take them for granted.