My beautiful cousin Rachael is going in for her bilateral mastectomy tomorrow, July 30th. She has been so strong and courageous through the last 6 months and I think all of the emotions people face when diagnosed are just now hitting her. I cannot imagine being in her shoes right now.
I know that when I had cancer I just wanted to feel good. I wanted answers, I wanted to know that everything was going to be ok and I could feel normal again. With my cancer there weren't any treatments before surgery, just operate then radiate. I think being radioactive was the worse than 2 surgeries but only because I couldn't be with Lexi for a week. I lost my voice but that cannot compare to what Rach will be losing. I am thankful that she has such an awesome husband and support system in North Carolina, that makes being 3000 miles away a little more tolerable. I am thankful she has medical insurance and great doctors taking care of her through this leg of her journey.
Lexi was about the same age as Caitlyn so I think I know how Rachael feels when she won't be able to hold Caity bug for awhile. But I wasn't praising God and trying to learn what He might have in store for me. I wanted people to feel sorry for me instead I heard "Oh, I'd kind of forgot you had cancer, I guess when it's not you, you don't keep track". I wanted to know why God felt it necessary for me to suffer through another major life event...wasn't all I'd been through up to this point enough? Why can't the people whose lives are perfect in every other way have something go wrong with them? Oh Rach, if I could take that back I would. What I went through was nothing compared to what you are going through and you have remained strong in your commitment.
I keep thinking about Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. You have totally exemplified this and been such an example to others. You know, I never heard that last part 'because he trusteth in thee', but what an awesome thought, just because we trust in God and our minds are focused on God, we will be kept in peace. wow.
You said you wished you could be here to help me fix up our house...I should be the one there helping you right now. You are so selfless with your time and give to everyone, it's time for you to be the focus now.
Tomorrow you will not be alone in that operating room with doctors and nurses, but Jesus will be there holding you the whole time. We are all praying and trusting you in His care.
You are loved Rachael Renea!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
When a friend passes away...
I found out a friend from Georgia passed away yesterday. While out on the job, he died of a heart attack. We weren't close friends, in fact, I haven't seen or spoken to Mike since I left Georgia in 2005. I found when I was in Georgia that not having family close by, you became family with those around you.
Many guys on the concrete crew traveled to work for this company and we got to know each other when I worked my 2nd shift with the company in the evenings. Mike was like a father to many of us that worked with him and he took to Lexi like a grandfather. He would sit with her and listen to her talk about school, advised her to "put some shellac on it" when her pumpkin started to rot (yeah, I had to ask what the heck shellac was), and when she complained of having high waters, he handed her a $20 and told her to make me take her to "buy some new britches".
He always had time to listen when I had a problem or question about the paperwork I was working with and when he made a smart alec remark and winked at you, his blue eyes twinkled with laughter. I think of him and other members of that crew often, and how they made working the evening shift bearable.
I was told the news through a friend on facebook and I googled his name for a death notice. When I saw his picture I just started crying. It's always sad to me when someone passes suddenly but he was only 57 and a great friend and help to me when I was feeling pretty alone in the world.
RIP Mike LeDet...
Many guys on the concrete crew traveled to work for this company and we got to know each other when I worked my 2nd shift with the company in the evenings. Mike was like a father to many of us that worked with him and he took to Lexi like a grandfather. He would sit with her and listen to her talk about school, advised her to "put some shellac on it" when her pumpkin started to rot (yeah, I had to ask what the heck shellac was), and when she complained of having high waters, he handed her a $20 and told her to make me take her to "buy some new britches".
He always had time to listen when I had a problem or question about the paperwork I was working with and when he made a smart alec remark and winked at you, his blue eyes twinkled with laughter. I think of him and other members of that crew often, and how they made working the evening shift bearable.
I was told the news through a friend on facebook and I googled his name for a death notice. When I saw his picture I just started crying. It's always sad to me when someone passes suddenly but he was only 57 and a great friend and help to me when I was feeling pretty alone in the world.
RIP Mike LeDet...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
We are moving...
I got a call from the property management people we rent our house from and the owners want to put the house on the market. :( It's been a great house for us size wise, but truly not a home we would want to own so...we begin the process of packing and trying to figure out where we are going to go. School registration starts in 1 month. 4 weeks.
We start scouring Craigslist and driving around the town where we live to keep our kids here, no such luck. We thought we might be able to squeeze into a 3 bedroom...the one we found was so small I don't think my bed would have fit in the master...and it's only a queen! There's no way we could put 3 teenage girls in one room there. lol
SO...we felt we had to make a decision pretty quickly. Mostly cuz we needed to get the kids squared away for school. We started looking in MLS for some homes in our price range. Which is fixer upper price range. :) We found one where? the town we both swore we'd never move back to after growing up from there. We both still have tons of family from there which can be good sometimes, can be a pain other times. But since we hadn't started the lending process or anything we have to figure out something else...and then a miracle, my wonderful mother-in-law. She has opened her doors and invited us in to stay until we can get situated so the kids won't have to leave school midyear. This is good because our oldest is a jr and this will be her third high school in 3 years.
We are totally in love with this house and have been looking at flooring, counter tops, etc and dreaming. I know it will be pretty crushing if we don't get it, but we are trying to pray that if God wants us to have it, it will still be here when we are able to. It's a low price and not in TERRIBLE shape so we are also realistic that it may not stay on the market long.
As with most areas of life for me, I believe we come in in the middle with lending. We don't make enough to get a loan with some programs and we make too much with others. And as we are self-employed...do banks really loan money to people over 30 years whose income is in technology and the real estate fields?? I have to trust and leave it all in God's hands. He will provide a place for us to live. He already has, but I believe He will give us one of our own when the time is right.
So anyways, we've just been busy planning, packing, renting storage units (yes, units plural), oh and working. Can't drop our customers or leave them hanging. The kids have already gone on to stay with Grandma so we can load stuff up and not worry about beds or meals...lol
Say a little prayer for us, I know moving has to be one of the most stressful events for a married couple-this is our 3rd time and we've been married less than 2 years. We have different ideas about packing and how it should be done-cardboard or hefty cinch sacks...hmmm not a hard decision for me but well...different strokes for different folks right? lol
I truly, madly, deeply love my husband and although we disagree about moving methods, at the end of the day, our love is just as strong (if not stronger) and I think we appreciate each other a little more than we did the day before (if that's even possible). I'm so happy and even though this is stressful, I'm thankful we live near enough to family to make all this happen and we can stretch it out over a few weeks and not have to do it in just a couple days.
So thank you to my wonderful Mother-In-Law for giving up the single life for awhile and allowing your home to be taken over by a family of 6. Thanks kids for understanding that if we didn't have to move, we wouldn't take you out of the schools you love and away from the friends you made this year. Thank you husband for being so awesome and amazing and for loving me even when I get cranky while moving, and thank you to God for blessing us in ways we don't even see sometimes.
We start scouring Craigslist and driving around the town where we live to keep our kids here, no such luck. We thought we might be able to squeeze into a 3 bedroom...the one we found was so small I don't think my bed would have fit in the master...and it's only a queen! There's no way we could put 3 teenage girls in one room there. lol
SO...we felt we had to make a decision pretty quickly. Mostly cuz we needed to get the kids squared away for school. We started looking in MLS for some homes in our price range. Which is fixer upper price range. :) We found one where? the town we both swore we'd never move back to after growing up from there. We both still have tons of family from there which can be good sometimes, can be a pain other times. But since we hadn't started the lending process or anything we have to figure out something else...and then a miracle, my wonderful mother-in-law. She has opened her doors and invited us in to stay until we can get situated so the kids won't have to leave school midyear. This is good because our oldest is a jr and this will be her third high school in 3 years.
We are totally in love with this house and have been looking at flooring, counter tops, etc and dreaming. I know it will be pretty crushing if we don't get it, but we are trying to pray that if God wants us to have it, it will still be here when we are able to. It's a low price and not in TERRIBLE shape so we are also realistic that it may not stay on the market long.
As with most areas of life for me, I believe we come in in the middle with lending. We don't make enough to get a loan with some programs and we make too much with others. And as we are self-employed...do banks really loan money to people over 30 years whose income is in technology and the real estate fields?? I have to trust and leave it all in God's hands. He will provide a place for us to live. He already has, but I believe He will give us one of our own when the time is right.
So anyways, we've just been busy planning, packing, renting storage units (yes, units plural), oh and working. Can't drop our customers or leave them hanging. The kids have already gone on to stay with Grandma so we can load stuff up and not worry about beds or meals...lol
Say a little prayer for us, I know moving has to be one of the most stressful events for a married couple-this is our 3rd time and we've been married less than 2 years. We have different ideas about packing and how it should be done-cardboard or hefty cinch sacks...hmmm not a hard decision for me but well...different strokes for different folks right? lol
I truly, madly, deeply love my husband and although we disagree about moving methods, at the end of the day, our love is just as strong (if not stronger) and I think we appreciate each other a little more than we did the day before (if that's even possible). I'm so happy and even though this is stressful, I'm thankful we live near enough to family to make all this happen and we can stretch it out over a few weeks and not have to do it in just a couple days.
So thank you to my wonderful Mother-In-Law for giving up the single life for awhile and allowing your home to be taken over by a family of 6. Thanks kids for understanding that if we didn't have to move, we wouldn't take you out of the schools you love and away from the friends you made this year. Thank you husband for being so awesome and amazing and for loving me even when I get cranky while moving, and thank you to God for blessing us in ways we don't even see sometimes.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Selling selling selling
I'm pretty excited here...I've been sitting in the offices of a major Energy Star (R) home builder for a few weeks and I've got my name on 3 contracts. It's so great to know that I am finally seeing some fruit from my labor of schooling, testing, sitting open houses and talking til I'm blue in the face about houses, is all paying off. The bad part about selling houses that haven't been built yet is you don't get paid til it closes and that could be 4 months out...I guess I'll just consider it our Christmas fund. :)
I'm getting to do what I love and it's just great! I have really been blessed to get to do things I love...like be IN love with an amazing man (who happens to be as crazy about me as I am about him!), a cool (if I do say so myself) mom, a friend with big shoulders to cry on, and Realtor. I love all these hats. Sometimes it gets stressful to NEED to be something to someone all the time and yet I remember all those times and years I was lonely and begged for God to make me useful to SOMEONE...well I got it! :) I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have to remind myself in the bad times that I count these things as blessings in the good times. The stress can really put a person in a place where they aren't nice to be around. I have a family member that I think lives 24/7 in that place and has for so long that she wouldn't know what happy or relaxed was if it was given to her in a package.
Yes, being a mom can be stressful but it's all worth it when they do something to prove that they HAVE been listening! :) Same thing with any other hat you wear, there are good times and not so good times, you have to have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. Did I want to go through pain in the past? No, but I'm so glad I experienced the kind of pain that I did so that I can fully appreciate the love my husband and I share. I never want to take him for granted and I try to do something for him everyday to show my love.
My emotions are all over the board this week (and it's not girl stuff) and sometimes I think it would feel good to just sit down and have a good cry...but I might not stop. It's so weird to feel such extreme emotion like this and yet truly be happy. I've always had extreme emotions in misery and pain...but to be happy and feel this level of sad at the same time? Is that the ultimate oxymoron?
I look around at the pain in the world and even just in my own country the politics and unrest and bickering and wasted money and it is easy to begin to feel fearful but I just have to remember that the powerful and only God that I serve has a plan for my life:
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
New International Version (NIV)Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
I'm getting to do what I love and it's just great! I have really been blessed to get to do things I love...like be IN love with an amazing man (who happens to be as crazy about me as I am about him!), a cool (if I do say so myself) mom, a friend with big shoulders to cry on, and Realtor. I love all these hats. Sometimes it gets stressful to NEED to be something to someone all the time and yet I remember all those times and years I was lonely and begged for God to make me useful to SOMEONE...well I got it! :) I wouldn't have it any other way.
I have to remind myself in the bad times that I count these things as blessings in the good times. The stress can really put a person in a place where they aren't nice to be around. I have a family member that I think lives 24/7 in that place and has for so long that she wouldn't know what happy or relaxed was if it was given to her in a package.
Yes, being a mom can be stressful but it's all worth it when they do something to prove that they HAVE been listening! :) Same thing with any other hat you wear, there are good times and not so good times, you have to have to experience the bad to appreciate the good. Did I want to go through pain in the past? No, but I'm so glad I experienced the kind of pain that I did so that I can fully appreciate the love my husband and I share. I never want to take him for granted and I try to do something for him everyday to show my love.
My emotions are all over the board this week (and it's not girl stuff) and sometimes I think it would feel good to just sit down and have a good cry...but I might not stop. It's so weird to feel such extreme emotion like this and yet truly be happy. I've always had extreme emotions in misery and pain...but to be happy and feel this level of sad at the same time? Is that the ultimate oxymoron?
I look around at the pain in the world and even just in my own country the politics and unrest and bickering and wasted money and it is easy to begin to feel fearful but I just have to remember that the powerful and only God that I serve has a plan for my life:
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
New International Version (NIV)Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Beloved
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah *now*
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours and
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me
You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
I put a bunch of songs onto my MP3 player for our trip to Seattle and even though I've heard this one before, I had a lot of time to focus on it. I can't stop playing it. I can't stop crying when I play it. It sounds as if I've been a big cry baby for the past week...I have been. The song speaks to me on so many levels and I just HAVE to figure out why. When a song touches me like this it consumes me. I can't stop singing it, humming it, thinking of the lyrics...why? What is it that grabs me so? The music is incredible first of all...I'm in love with that! I cringe for giving up piano lessons all those years ago...could I ever have been good enough to play REAL music and not just teapot songs?
Secondly, it speaks to me as a woman who was searching for love. I have been a Christian all my life (even though a few years of worldly living might have caused some to wonder-especially if they knew me back then) but I did not have the love a daddy should have for his little girl. I was 12 by the time my mom re-married a good guy, but so much damage had already been done. I wasn't wanted by my real dad, he and my mom only fought over who got to keep my little brother. I had a wonderful Grandpa that I pretended was my dad (yeah, I thought my life was over when he passed away) for a long time. Even as a kid and then teen, it's really hard to buy the 'let God be your dad' speeches. As a kid, I didn't know how to feel that. God is love and all that, but how do you KNOW what love is? How do you grasp the vastness of LOVE as a young girl wanting acceptance from a man? It wasn't until just a few years ago I finally felt like I had an inkling of what being loved, truly LOVED by God meant. I suffered through many self-inflicted wounds of the heart. Wounds that could have been avoided had the adult men in my life showed me what it was like to be loved.
The third thing that grasps me in this song is the very first verse: "Give me your life Lust and the lies The past you're afraid I might see You've been running away from me" I did a lot of running away back then. Why would God want to look in my eyes? Why would He want my life? I didn't see any value in it how could He? Then I met the most amazing man and when I knew things were starting to get serious, I'd call him with tears in my eyes knowing that when I told him about this or that part of my past, he would dump me for someone who lived better than I did. But he didn't. He didn't want the details, he didn't want to know, he was falling in love with me and didn't care about the things in my past as reason to be or not be with me, but only how they affected me because I was the only one that hadn't forgiven me.
I know he isn't God, but when I think about the depth of love this man (now my husband) could have for me when he didn't HAVE to love me...I believe I see a glimpse of how much God loves me and has always loved me. He knew everything I did and forgave me when I asked, the only one that held those things against me was me. I am HIS beloved...HE wants me no matter what...HE died for me AND He WANTS to be with me. It truly is a mystery to my simple mind the hows and whys of the depth of God's love for us but I am so thankful.
I know that I am married to the love of my life, my best friend. But to think that God thinks of me as the love of His life...WOW, I'm just blown away. I'm overwhelmed....
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery
Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me yeah *now*
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours and
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me yea now now
Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us and it binds you to me
You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery
I put a bunch of songs onto my MP3 player for our trip to Seattle and even though I've heard this one before, I had a lot of time to focus on it. I can't stop playing it. I can't stop crying when I play it. It sounds as if I've been a big cry baby for the past week...I have been. The song speaks to me on so many levels and I just HAVE to figure out why. When a song touches me like this it consumes me. I can't stop singing it, humming it, thinking of the lyrics...why? What is it that grabs me so? The music is incredible first of all...I'm in love with that! I cringe for giving up piano lessons all those years ago...could I ever have been good enough to play REAL music and not just teapot songs?
Secondly, it speaks to me as a woman who was searching for love. I have been a Christian all my life (even though a few years of worldly living might have caused some to wonder-especially if they knew me back then) but I did not have the love a daddy should have for his little girl. I was 12 by the time my mom re-married a good guy, but so much damage had already been done. I wasn't wanted by my real dad, he and my mom only fought over who got to keep my little brother. I had a wonderful Grandpa that I pretended was my dad (yeah, I thought my life was over when he passed away) for a long time. Even as a kid and then teen, it's really hard to buy the 'let God be your dad' speeches. As a kid, I didn't know how to feel that. God is love and all that, but how do you KNOW what love is? How do you grasp the vastness of LOVE as a young girl wanting acceptance from a man? It wasn't until just a few years ago I finally felt like I had an inkling of what being loved, truly LOVED by God meant. I suffered through many self-inflicted wounds of the heart. Wounds that could have been avoided had the adult men in my life showed me what it was like to be loved.
The third thing that grasps me in this song is the very first verse: "Give me your life Lust and the lies The past you're afraid I might see You've been running away from me" I did a lot of running away back then. Why would God want to look in my eyes? Why would He want my life? I didn't see any value in it how could He? Then I met the most amazing man and when I knew things were starting to get serious, I'd call him with tears in my eyes knowing that when I told him about this or that part of my past, he would dump me for someone who lived better than I did. But he didn't. He didn't want the details, he didn't want to know, he was falling in love with me and didn't care about the things in my past as reason to be or not be with me, but only how they affected me because I was the only one that hadn't forgiven me.
I know he isn't God, but when I think about the depth of love this man (now my husband) could have for me when he didn't HAVE to love me...I believe I see a glimpse of how much God loves me and has always loved me. He knew everything I did and forgave me when I asked, the only one that held those things against me was me. I am HIS beloved...HE wants me no matter what...HE died for me AND He WANTS to be with me. It truly is a mystery to my simple mind the hows and whys of the depth of God's love for us but I am so thankful.
I know that I am married to the love of my life, my best friend. But to think that God thinks of me as the love of His life...WOW, I'm just blown away. I'm overwhelmed....
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