How can someone be SO happy and yet sad at the same time? I don't know how to even explain the way I had been feeling last week. I'm not exactly over the funk, but for Jeremey's sake, I have to get over it.
I have to say part of it, or maybe it started because of hormones but even with that being over and done with, I find myself fighting this inner battle.
I'm selfish! Human nature right? A year or even six months ago I wouldn't have said that panic attacks are not about being selfish but guess what? they are. I think an awful lot more about myself than the next guy on the street. Why? Probably because I'm such a judgemental person myself that I think because I look at people and see their 'flaws', that people must look at me and comment on my flaws. My biggest (no pun intended) being my size and how big I am. I don't want to walk into a room because people will think I'm fat. Really? Do I really know what people would think about me, or do I just think that because that is how I would react that it must be how others think?
I'm also greedy. Nothing is good enough. My clothes aren't nice enough (but I don't want to buy anything else because I can only find fat clothes). Other people have nicer cars, nicer wedding rings, better hair styling skills...you name it, I'm dealing with it. Sitting around with some people the last couple of weeks all I could notice were the big shiny wedding rings the other women were wearing. It's not the ring but the marriage that counts so why did I feel so down about not having a big gorgeous ring? My husband loves me the way he does for me, and I love him for him, not for the size of the rocks on my wedding ring...
I'm cranky. I want my own house. My MIL is kind, and so very gracious to put up with us living here even this long, but I want to live in my own house, with my rules, my groceries, my hours, my washer and dryer...
I don't know how long it will take to get our house livable. It all takes money. In order to make money, we have to work and put in all kinds of hours. Then I get upset because Jeremey isn't home as much as I would like. When he needs 'guy time' or to get out of the house, I want to let him go with a smile and have him come home with a smile and be relaxed. It's hard to do when I'm stressed out.
I decided to not go back to school next term. I have done well, but I need to spend time with my kids, not a text book, I need to put in time on our business and my real estate so that Jeremey doesn't have to shoulder all the things that have to be done to help keep us successful.
I have also found that it will not kill me to walk into a classroom full of people I don't know. It won't kill me to stand in front of a group of people and talk. And I think much more about myself than others do...good or bad. I read a blog by a gal Janette Fulda. Her blogsite is titled PastaQueen and here is an excerpt of her blog from March 1, 2010:
The only bad thing about my current weight is all the time I spend thinking about what other people think about my weight. It’s a problem caused only by itself, like a snake eating it’s own tail. It’s a cyclical worry cycle, and I’m getting dizzy spinning around and around in my head all the time. I’ve wasted so many hours worrying about food, the scale, what I ate, what I should eat, and nagging myself to exercise, all because I’m worried people might be disappointed about how big I am if they meet me. Aaaaaaah!! It hasn’t been about about me and my health, it’s been about other people.
That’s why when I’ve gained a few pounds, I freak out a bit and feel like I should do something drastic, because WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?! When really, I should just chill out, and get over myself. People don’t think of me half as often as I think they do, and people who judge me on my weight aren’t people I want to like me anyway. I should just get my slow burn on and take care of myself for my own sake, not because I want people I don’t know to like me. It’s so easy to make up a reason that I should be ashamed of my weight. At my thinnest, I worried I was still fat. Now that I’m fatter, I worry that I’m not thin. It’s got to stop. There’s no way to win.
wow, she said perfectly what I needed to hear. Honestly, my wonderful and honest husband said something along these lines the other night to me when I was being less than kind about going somewhere and being too fat. He got me to thinking about it and then I received this blog from a friend a few days later...talk about light bulb moments...
So the things that have been on the back burner are moving up to the front, I'm getting rid of a huge time commitment and will free up more time for my family and I can re-prioritize so I can get back on track.
I'm so thankful for an awesome husband that loves me in spite of the horrible person I can be...
