it's just the way He is...

I logged in here this morning to whine and vent. I even had to change my password for Google, it's been so long since I've been here. 
I have so many things in my life to be grateful for, most importantly, my faith in the Lord, then my amazing husband, and great kids. A roof over my head (even if it's not where I want it to be), food on the table, clothes on my back, money in the bank, a vehicle to drive, and friends. 


I was sitting here at my desk, absently playing a game, but mentally rehearsing a comment my husband made tonight about me getting a job. It wasn't that he said it, it was the way he said it. I took it to heart and decided that he must be getting tired of me. I questioned myself; what do I contribute to this family? What do I offer these people I share a house with? I do not contribute to the family income, I do not have any hobbies (except reading, not exactly a crafty thing I could sell for some income), I am overweight, currently in agonizing pain from a clumsy fall. I can organize chore charts like nobody's business, but with only three kids at home, likely the worst thing that would happen if chores didn't get done for a week is an overflowing garbage can, sinks overflowing with dishes, and we'd run out of toilet paper in the bathroom. These are things kids that are the ages of my kids, should be able to see the need to do, and do without needing a chart. 


So where is my worth? Where is my value? I have none. I am the dead weight here. And I kept replaying that in my head, looking for SOMETHING that would give me validation as a worthy person, a worthy mate and mother. I wonder if any of them would miss me if I were die or, if after six months, it would be seen as a relief that I am gone. 


And then I log into my blog. 


I read the last post. 


And then I know that even if I don't think I have value, even if my husband, kids, family, friends, and community thought I had no value, that there is One who does. He always has, and always will. He adores me when I can't stand myself. I AM valued. I am treasured beyond gold and rubies. I am of ROYAL blood, the daughter of the Most High.

He doesn't care if I can't knit a scarf, have never prepared or served an eight-course meal, have never traveled the world, can't change a tire, can't bandage a wound without feeling nauseous, or that I will never bring home a million dollars to our family account. 


He loves me anyway...and THAT gives me value.  I believe He prompted me to blog, so that I would read the very words I wrote just months ago about my gifts and that I would be reminded that to Him, I have value.

Gifts

In our Ladies Meeting tonight, Nikki did a little quiz with us to find our strengths. My top three were Music, Help/Service, and Administration. No big surprise there. I thought about the things I didn't score so well at, and part of me felt sad that I wasn't artistic/crafty, and I started to feel guilty about my lower score in Prophecy. And then I had to remind myself that I didn't score well in those areas, because those aren't the areas God chose to make me good in.
I need to be confident in the gifts he has given me and work to make my life a blessing to others with those gifts. I am always afraid. Insecure in my weaknesses. Is my weight problem a weakness, a symptom of another problem, laziness, lack of discipline? When I walk into a room, I feel like people will look at me and think "Oh, another one that can't push herself away from the table". I don't eat a lot, but I don't like to eat in public because I'm always so worried about what someone else is thinking about me and my food choices. It doesn't lead me to eating in secret (usually), but I want to be able to focus on my gifts, talents...whatever God has in store for me that day, not to focus on me.
My cousin told me this before and I was so hurt by it. She said that when I focus on me being shy, or wondering what other people think of me, it's a form of pride. When she said that, I thought to myself, "there is not an ounce of pride about myself in me". But a few years later, I can see what she was trying to tell me. I need to quit focusing on me. Give my worries, insecurities and fears to the One who made me, the One who says I am beautiful, the One who loves me regardless of my looks, weight, age, social status, and past. I just need to focus on being a child of the Most High, remember that I am Royalty, and give it up to Him.

Life moves so fast. Some days I find myself longing for a few minutes of peace and quiet. If it's too quiet, I turn on music or a movie to have some background noise. In the last 6 months I have been witness to some of the most amazing sunsets. If I had a camera, I would have stopped right there on the side of the highway and taken pictures. My husband pointed out that I have an iPhone and it takes decent pictures so why didn't I just use it? Why didn't I?
There is something to be said for holding a camera in your hands, snapping some shots, and then waiting for the pictures to be developed to see 'how you did'. The instant gratification of the modern life wears me down sometimes. Convenience has made us desire instant gratification...but what about the times when you want life to slow down? And how do you appreciate it when you get it?

When I get what I want, am I truly happy? Sometimes I feel like I don't really know what I want. I mean, I have a bucket list of things I'd like to do someday when the kids are gone, or when I've lost weight, or we have more money or...

I find myself asking what it is I truly want. What do I want to be said about me when I pass from this life? What do I want from myself? What do I want from others? I don't always know the answer. Do I have to know it?

I missed you

Two full months since I've posted. wow. It's not that I don't have a lot on my mind...sometimes things will happen, a comment will be made, I read something, or have an epiphany and I think to myself, I need to blog about this. But then I don't.

So while I've had all this good 'stuff' to share, needs to be met, or just need that 'me' time, I put it off until later and then...well, nothing.

I think our spiritual walks can be like that. We are going through a situation here where I'm not happy with the direction it's going. I cannot write or preach the sermons that will speak to people. I can share what is on my heart though. I can use encouraging words to lift up someone else. But what about when it's me that needs encouragement? Where are the people that are supposed to be holding MY hand?

I'm already worn thin. I'm too tired to read the Bible, I don't know where to start...I want to go with a particular study-but I have to pick one...so many great teachers...the list goes on. Sometimes I think that if I don't study the Bible, then I let other things go as well (like blogging) because at some point, it registers that I need to make the Bible study time a priority, not an if-I-have-a-few-extra-minutes today thing. Then it's 9pm and I wonder what I've done all day. Nothing productive spiritually, didn't network-so nothing to help my business, never home in time to make dinner for my family...

I'm a planner. I have to plan everything way ahead of time. Spontaneity isn't really in my list of fun things to do. So I'm going to start May off right and plan in my study time, my networking, my business, my family and my ME time. Even if that's just 30 minutes on the Wii by myself...it's something right?

I found I can be my own worst enemy most days. I sit in front of a computer and I can read blog posts, sermons, study food/nutrition/weight loss etc., but I look up and hours have gone by and while reading someone else's amazing thoughts, I have lost the time I should have given myself.

I don't know if this makes sense, or if anyone even reads this anymore...but I have some work to do.

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eyebrows...

I've never given much thought to them. They are there, sitting on my forehead, looking like fuzzy caterpillars riding on my eyeglasses. I see some ladies that must go to some extremes to have these little tiny things that look like they drew eyeliner on their forehead. Now, I totally understand those with medical conditions or going through chemotherapy that need to do that (but dark dark brown???) so I'm not making fun of anyone.

However, I go to my cousin's makeup counter to have her help me with brightening my eyes. This extended cold, fall-less winter has got me down. The first thing she does, is come at me with tweezers saying, "You need to tweeze these Charity". But that hurts!! And I sit with tears rolling down my cheeks as she proceeds to 'tweeze' (never, never, say pluck around a cosmetologist/makeup person) more eyebrows than I thought I had on my forehead.

I look in the mirror and think to myself, "hmmm, that does look better". Do you think I can stand to do it to myself? No. I choose a worse torture. I go to a salon and pay someone to put hot wax on my eyebrow and then yank the hairs out by the root. Does it hurt? You bet! But the pain is swift and over within seconds.

Why would I prefer a quick, intense, pain over a few moments of less intense pain or (gasp!) NO pain?

It's kind of like life, having pretty eyebrows.

• You can leave them big and bushy. That's right. Stay comfortable and don't go out of your way to make any changes. Cosmetic or not, if it's painful, don't bother.
• You can tweeze a few hairs out at a time, but I find that if I go it alone, they are uneven, shapeless, and after awhile, I don't see any results.
• You can go hardcore and wax those suckers. The pain is fast and intense. Sometimes your heart starts beating so fast you worry you might pass out from the pain. You are under intense scrutiny (by someone you barely know, if at all), and you will probably walk out of there with your skin looking like you  had an accident with a blow torch. But when the pain subsides, and the redness goes away, you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and say "Wow, that was SO worth the pain". 

We do that in life too right? Like, many of us, don't enjoy pain. What kind of fool would admit to that? So I'm going to just put it out there. When it comes to my health, when it comes to meeting my family's needs, when it comes to my walk with Christ, I want the wax. I don't want to take the easy way out with life. I don't want to go through a little pain everyday. I want to go through it, full throttle. I know that the pain is temporary and when the pain is gone and the redness goes away...the result will be beautiful.

James 1:2 NLT

Reading

I am all about the written word. I love words. I love reading. I love talking. I am a social person (when in my comfort zone). When asked what I would do with an hour of free, uninterrupted time, my answer would be give me a book, a comfortable chair, and my mocha.

I am kind of a genre snob. I will say right now, I am not interested in, nor will I be reading anything with Vampires. I don't care much for Sci-Fi or Fantasy. Murder is borderline-give me a mystery with murder written by Dick Francis or John Grisham, I'm perfectly happy, but none of this graphic gore. I am also not into the smutty romances. I have a steamin' hot love life and don't care to read about anyone else's.

I happen to be one of those people that believe we need to be true to ethics and ideals, even in choosing what to read. I haven't read very many books that I don't like (I can probably count on both hands in my lifetime the books I've been angry once I finished reading it because of the waste of my time). I think I've only started to read 3 books in the last year (2010) that I couldn't finish because they were too weird, stupid, or just NOT my thing. However, most books, I will finish, even if I don't like it. I feel like I owe my husband an apology,  and I need to give a book he recommended to me 4 years ago, another try. It was sci-fi so I'd already decided I didn't like it before I even opened the first page.

However, I just started a book club and our first official book is Eat Pray Love. I really liked the first section where she was in Italy. Now, I'm in the middle where she is in India and I'm having a hard time with the Eastern Religion and meditating etc. These are my personal opinions so don't get your panties in a wad...I believe in meditating on God, on the Word (in Scripture-which for me, would be the Holy Bible). I am also a bit offended at the grouping of all religions as if Jesus and Buddah are equals because to me, they are not. SO, I'm really struggling with it. Being the leader of the group, I feel bad that I let someone else suggest the book to other poor, unsuspecting souls. I will finish the book because of the book club, but I find I may skip the rest of the trip in India.

Whatsoever things are pure, holy and just, think on these things....Phillipians 4:8