Thankful heart

Ok, I had started a blog and then deleted it and didn't realize it would keep the date so this was really written November 27th...lol

Yesterday (Thanksgiving) would have been my dear Grandpa's 84th birthday. He has been gone 14 years now and though the pain has slightly dimmed, not many days go by that I don't think about him or what he would think about these beautiful grandkids and great-grandkids that have been born in these 14 years that will never know what an awesome man he was. I wonder what he would have thought or said when he held his first great-granddaughter in his arms, how proud he would be of the spouses we've added to the family, and the lives we all live now.

But I AM thankful I knew him for 20 years and for the legacy he left behind. I know he prayed for us everyday and I am sad that he isn't around to give a hug or advice, but I know those prayers were heard and I am thankful for his love and example.

I am also thankful for my husband -life is busy and stressful but I couldn't have asked for a husband that loves me as much as Jeremey does. Ok, I asked God to give me one MANY times, but i didn't think it was meant to happen for me after awhile...I'm really thankful God takes better care of me and knows what I need even when I don't think I deserve it.

I am thankful for my kids. Having 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 17 should be a nightmare but it isn't. Oh, we have our moments, but I cannot complain about the love they share and friendship as sisters that they share. And a son. I had all but given up on having a boy-and I was having so much fun with a girl that I wouldn't' have known what I was missing, but he is a bright spot and can be quite the comic (he thinks). :)

I am thankful for beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew that are so smart and though they suffer some awful emotional pain, they have not forgotten how to love and still open their hearts to those that love them.

I am thankful for aunts who have been shoulders to cry on and encouragement when I was in need. They spoiled me and took me everywhere when they were in high school, invited me to stay with them, helped me learn how to dress and even curl my bangs correctly. 4 amazing aunts that I am honored to have in my life.

I am thankful for cousins. Growing up without a sister (4 of us) made us closer as friends. We have all had our moments (probably like some sisters can-but how would we know?) of pain or misunderstanding with each other (and a LOT of jealousy on my part) but there has also been a LOT of love and support. And we all had some pretty awesome brothers that have been cool playmates in the past and good uncles to our kids and friends with our husbands.

I am thankful for the painful and scary times in my life because I wouldn't appreciate my life now if I hadn't had to go through them.

And I am thankful for Jesus-willing to die for me when I was not worthy. I love the word wretch because that is what we are. Our righteousness is like filthy rags...we couldn't do it on our own. We could get hung up on the legalities of church and religion but none of that matters to me or is as important as my relationship with Jesus. And because He loves me and wants a relationship with me, I am more than grateful.

worry...and a heavy heart

I think we skipped early fall and went head first into winter! The mornings and evenings are cold and the middle of the day-well it's definitley sweatshirt weather!



So much going on and yet nothing. I feel busy, like I'm always on the go but then I have to stop and think, what have I done today? I've never been in this place before and it's kind of nerve wracking. I've always had to work, always had to be the sole provider for everything: food, shelter, emotional and spiritual guidance...etc. Now, I've got this amazing husband who is the one responsible for all of that. I'm here to support him and help him when he needs it but I'm not supposed to worry about it right? I love the life we have, I love getting to go to work with him-the talks we get to have on the way to a customer and sometimes, the silence and comfort of just being together.

So the worrier in me, the one who has always HAD to be responsible for everything, feels guilty that I am not working a 9-5. I don't have young kids at home to raise and it's not like we couldn't use more income (it would help speed the process along with the house for sure!) but the doors just don't open for jobs that I apply for. I don't know if that means God is ok with me right where I am needing to learn to trust in Him for everything. He is Jehovah Jireh, I've been singing that song probably since before I could pronounce Jehovah...but do I really lean on Him? Is looking for and applying for jobs just being proactive or is it leaning on my OWN understanding?

It would be easy to get comfortable being my husbands helper but is that enough? I've never had anyone WANT to be that role in my life...what if he gets tired of me doing so little? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. I know that we are in this marriage until the good Lord calls one or both of us Home...but that fear of not doing enough keeps taunting me. It's so funny, I worry about this SO much and yet I am sitting here trying to remember ONE time Jeremey has asked me to get a job. He hasn't...he's asked me to put more into helping him grow Acme when he needs me but he's never asked me to go look outside the home or our business. I need peace when it comes to being the wife that is taken care of. The Proverbs 31 woman wasn't lazy and didn't NOT work, but she tended to the affairs of their business and home. I guess I dont' see what I do as work...am I a prideful woman that needs praise and adoration to make me feel useful? no wonder I'm in a funk. :( I always want to do what is right in the sight of God and my husband but I guess I fight myself more than anyone could ever do anymore.

AND aside from me, I have been made aware of a situation that involves someone I love dearly. I feel that the situation will cause this person a lot of pain and my heart breaks for him but there truly is no other way for the situation to be worked out.
Growing up and seeing how other little girls had relationships with their dad's and were adored by their daddy's, I sometimes wished this man could be my dad and while that isn't what God chose for me, I love him and my heart aches for the pain I expect he'll be experiencing the next few months...I am praying for him and everyone involved, that is all I can do.

When this song first came out I couldn't get enough of it...I was struggling with anxiety. sometimes even leaving the house, going to places where I wouldn't know anyone caused me so much pain. I would listen to this song over and over and know that I kept holding those chains that were keeping me down-I need to remember these lyrics whenever I keep hanging on to those things that aren't of God: (I put the song on here to the left in case you haven't heard it before)


All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for change
Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need You and You alone
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for (change)
Still You patiently await
Yet I won't just let go I see
You and You alone
Saying freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom
The time has come separation lost the war to love
Take my hand gace has found you where You once began
You're Alive! You're Alive! in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love
There's only singing for freeom
I know I'm not only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for...
Father please I need rescuing I need You and You alone