I have such an amazing husband. He invited my parents (which includes 5 kids), my brother (which includes 4 kids) my grandma, and his mom to have dinner with us for my birthday with us and our 4 kids. Yep-20 some odd people. He went to a lot of trouble to fix my favorite meal (tacos) for everyone and had a wonderful gift in mind-but he found out about the lady too late so we will probably still have it done. She draws pictures from photographs and my hubby was going to get some pictures of me and my grandpa and have her draw us together in a picture in several different scenes. oh what an amazing surprise that would have been! I almost cried when he told me.
He is so thoughtful and so loving. I've never felt so loved and cherished as I do when he does things like this for me. No one I've ever been in a relationship with has ever treated me like I was important and special. I'm blown away by his love.
We had an issue with some of the invitees and only ended up with 2 people, but that's ok because I know who really loves me and cares about me.
My little Lexi went to the bookstore at our church when we were early one day apparently and bought me a new Bible. totally unexpected. My son got me a Caramello bar (which he'd been hanging on to for a month so i was proud of him for that) and my other youngest daughter gave me some lotion. My MIL got me some lotion, a MWS Worship DVD and gift card to LB (woot) and Grandma got me a Pampered Chef food chopper which we've been wanting! My friend Lindsay made me some Amish Friendship bread so we could have it for the party and she gave me a start. I was so excited-I've never had a recipe to do that with so it should be fun. I'll have to start making the end of the year teacher gifts ;) haha.
My oldest had prom this weekend with her boyfriend (well she called him that tonight...first we knew it was official haha) and my little sister came and helped do her hair and makeup. She looked absolutely beautiful and said a lot of the guys commented that to her boyfriend so it made her feel good to make him look/feel good too.
It's just been an awesome day. I've had some thoughts brewing in my mind for a few days but I'm not quite ready to put them down on 'paper'. I'm just feeling amazing and loved today and want to keep it that way...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
When The Rain Comes
I might be behind the times, I am just hearing this song for the first time tonight but I was really impressed with the lyrics. I've been a Third Day fan forever so I am ashamed to admit not hearing this before now, but I know I need it and probably some others do too. I added the song so feel free to read along while it plays!
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comesI will hold you
Short but oh so sweet. I think my favorite lines are I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again. God never promised we would never have rain or pain or trials in this earthly life. He promised to never leave us. Sometimes in my human mind and understanding, that just isn't enough and yet when I really think about what it means that HE will never leave me...I'm in awe. My heart is really full tonight-I'm trying to be better, get better...believe that I am better than what I tell myself I am. Last summer I was doing a devotional (Girlfriends in God if you want to check it out-I highly recommend) and the writer of the particular devotion said something that I need to remember everyday: "When we assassinate our own character with words, we destroy our self-esteem and stop ourselves from purposeful living; we become who we say we are." I wrote it down because I knew it was powerful and something I needed to remember. Everyday I fight the voices in my head-they aren't all mine. Voices from the past still cause me pain "you are ugly" "miss piggy" "you need to diet" "if you eat that you are going to look like ______ (fill in the blank). Twenty some odd years later and I'm still hearing those words. Getting dressed every morning hurts me because even though it's a cute shirt, I hear "oh look how stupid you look with that fat muffin top".
I have fought many battles in my life, but the battle of self-confidence is one I have yet to even manage much less win.
When I talked to a friend about this, she said I needed to remember my identity is in Christ, not my weight. My hubby says no one cares about my weight as much as I do. He is probably right in so many ways...so why can't I let it go and just learn to love myself?
I just have to fall back on Him. Let him be my strength and confidence.
I have striven to make everyone around me happy but I don't know how to be happy with me. It's a very frustrating thing to fear walking into a store alone. I feel so stupid for being afraid and then the whole cycle just keeps on the ugly path until I feel so insignificant why did I think I could walk in this store.
I watch women who seem to have so much confidence and I pick out every little thing I can see in 30 seconds as to why they are better than me and deserve that confidence.
I'm tired of 'assassinating my character' and I'm working on not doing it anymore...it's time to build myself up and think of myself as a dear friend that deserves better from me than what I've been giving her.
When the rain comes it seems that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do
I can't stop the rain
From falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain
But I will hold you 'til it goes away
When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know that rain must fall on everyone
Rest awhile
it'll be alright
No one loves you like I do
When the rain comesI will hold you
Short but oh so sweet. I think my favorite lines are I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again. God never promised we would never have rain or pain or trials in this earthly life. He promised to never leave us. Sometimes in my human mind and understanding, that just isn't enough and yet when I really think about what it means that HE will never leave me...I'm in awe. My heart is really full tonight-I'm trying to be better, get better...believe that I am better than what I tell myself I am. Last summer I was doing a devotional (Girlfriends in God if you want to check it out-I highly recommend) and the writer of the particular devotion said something that I need to remember everyday: "When we assassinate our own character with words, we destroy our self-esteem and stop ourselves from purposeful living; we become who we say we are." I wrote it down because I knew it was powerful and something I needed to remember. Everyday I fight the voices in my head-they aren't all mine. Voices from the past still cause me pain "you are ugly" "miss piggy" "you need to diet" "if you eat that you are going to look like ______ (fill in the blank). Twenty some odd years later and I'm still hearing those words. Getting dressed every morning hurts me because even though it's a cute shirt, I hear "oh look how stupid you look with that fat muffin top".
I have fought many battles in my life, but the battle of self-confidence is one I have yet to even manage much less win.
When I talked to a friend about this, she said I needed to remember my identity is in Christ, not my weight. My hubby says no one cares about my weight as much as I do. He is probably right in so many ways...so why can't I let it go and just learn to love myself?
I just have to fall back on Him. Let him be my strength and confidence.
I have striven to make everyone around me happy but I don't know how to be happy with me. It's a very frustrating thing to fear walking into a store alone. I feel so stupid for being afraid and then the whole cycle just keeps on the ugly path until I feel so insignificant why did I think I could walk in this store.
I watch women who seem to have so much confidence and I pick out every little thing I can see in 30 seconds as to why they are better than me and deserve that confidence.
I'm tired of 'assassinating my character' and I'm working on not doing it anymore...it's time to build myself up and think of myself as a dear friend that deserves better from me than what I've been giving her.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
1 Goal accomplished!
My 2nd mom, Janine was SO patient with me and really took the time to explain the stuff I wasn't clear on. She was the picture of patience with me and I'm SO grateful! I had a lot of fun making the purse and watching it come together. I would hold it up at times and think to myself, "wow, I'm really doing this!".
I have to say though for someone that can't draw a straight line (or cut one for that matter) with a ruler, and who has no depth perception, stripes may not have been the best way to go. LOL I thought I was going cross-eyed a couple of times but it really turned out cute. We tried to improvise a bit on the shoulder strap and although it didn't turn out like it was supposed to, it actually works best for the purse. phew!
Of course, my wonderful, supportive husband wanted to look at it as soon as I walked in the door. I got the proper ooh's and ahh's from a husband and then sat on the couch in sheer exhaustion! Who knew sewing could take so much concentration and effort? I was at it for 6 hours on the purse...maybe I should give it up? nah...it was too fun. I have the material, I could actually cut out the pattern for the 2nd one in my collection....haha not yet.
Lexi saw the purse the next morning and after the appropriate compliments on it, I saw her trying to go up to her room with it on her shoulder. If I give it to her, then I have to make at least 2 more purses in my sewing career...one for each of my other two girls. lol
Maybe I'll start making them as gifts...I better practice more-but hey, it's fun!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sewing Lesson
So tomorrow I am going over to my mother-in-law's to attempt to sew my first project. When we were on our honeymoon, walking around Saturday Market, I noticed women carrying the cutest purses and I decided I needed one to put my treasures (purchases) in as well so I would fit in with the Portland crowd. ;-)
On our way home, I looked at Jeremey and said I bet this purse wouldn't be that hard to make. He said well when we get home, go to Jo Ann's and get a pattern and stuff and make one. It took me an hour to pick out the material I thought I wanted. When I get home and fretted a bit and thought "what was I thinking, I've never sewn before!!" and he said oh, well you will probably throw your first one away anyways. UGG...not this beautiful material I picked out!! So, the stuff went in a drawer not to be seen or discussed again for a year and a half or so.
It must have been the whole "trying something new" thought process but I brought up making the purse again to Jeremey and he said to go for it. I talked to my aunt about it and she encouraged me to do it too so I went back to Jo Ann's and found a cute material. I won't cry if it doesn't turn out, but it's cute enough that if it looks ok, I'd still use it.
Now the fun part...I haven't sewn anything in my life, despite that A+ from Home Ec. (sorry Mrs. Williams!!). I had laid out the material and the pattern but my mom, the "seamstress" yelled that I was about to cut it wrong and sent me to bed. When I woke up, the sewing fairy had left me a perfect vest to turn in. I never attempted to sew again after that. So tomorrow will be fun...the best part? I love my MIL, she loves me, and she was my 4th grade teacher so we already kind of have this teacher/student relationship. :) haha
And we've already decided we'd have our lunch at A&W...because you know, we might need a break after we start to clear our minds or something to that effect.
I'll try to post a picture when I get done with it. :)
On our way home, I looked at Jeremey and said I bet this purse wouldn't be that hard to make. He said well when we get home, go to Jo Ann's and get a pattern and stuff and make one. It took me an hour to pick out the material I thought I wanted. When I get home and fretted a bit and thought "what was I thinking, I've never sewn before!!" and he said oh, well you will probably throw your first one away anyways. UGG...not this beautiful material I picked out!! So, the stuff went in a drawer not to be seen or discussed again for a year and a half or so.
It must have been the whole "trying something new" thought process but I brought up making the purse again to Jeremey and he said to go for it. I talked to my aunt about it and she encouraged me to do it too so I went back to Jo Ann's and found a cute material. I won't cry if it doesn't turn out, but it's cute enough that if it looks ok, I'd still use it.
Now the fun part...I haven't sewn anything in my life, despite that A+ from Home Ec. (sorry Mrs. Williams!!). I had laid out the material and the pattern but my mom, the "seamstress" yelled that I was about to cut it wrong and sent me to bed. When I woke up, the sewing fairy had left me a perfect vest to turn in. I never attempted to sew again after that. So tomorrow will be fun...the best part? I love my MIL, she loves me, and she was my 4th grade teacher so we already kind of have this teacher/student relationship. :) haha
And we've already decided we'd have our lunch at A&W...because you know, we might need a break after we start to clear our minds or something to that effect.
I'll try to post a picture when I get done with it. :)
Friday, February 27, 2009
Life is good...
I spoke to a group of women a couple weeks ago and I was SO nervous! The ones I know from there, I've known for years.
It's weird when I was writing about Talents (see post below) I was thinking about how important I felt the message was and it's a shame more people, especially women, don't hear it. Then I chuckled to myself and thought, wouldn't that be funny if I got asked to speak at Women of Destiny? This is exactly what I would talk about.
A couple weeks after that I was in my friend's flower shop and she asked me to speak at Women of Destiny. I told her I would and we set a date.
My friend from CORE Groups came for moral support...I couldn't believe how nervous I was. My hands and voice were shaking, my mouth felt like I'd stuffed a few cotton balls in there, it felt like it was about 200 degrees behind the podium, and I kept thinking, what was I thinking when I chose to talk about this? Almost all of these women are retired...they aren't going to care about this. But I felt God wanted me to talk about it and I really ended up speaking more about myself and what I've discovered with the talents than telling them to go do it for themselves. My Grandma showed up and it made me even more nervous that she was there. I cried a couple of times-made sense since one of my talents is empathy-even if I was crying for myself. haha
When I was done, many of the women had some thoughts to share with me and I was afraid I was going to be critiqued but none of them were negative in what they had to say. Some of them cried during my talk too so maybe it opened their eyes to some things in their lives? God is in control of it and I prayed that He would have me say the words He wanted spoken to that group of women.
They meet every Wednesday and it was strange but I got a phone call Tuesday night from one of the ladies asking if I was going to go the next morning. I hadn't really thought of it honestly but she said she had some things she wanted to talk about with me after hearing me talk the week before. She has written a book about bargain hunting and how to cook healthy on a small budget (she had 9 kids so she knows what she's talking about). She wants me to look at it and possibly find ways to help her share it. The reason she thought of me was because I had talked about working in the halfway houses, shelters, etc. and teaching women there the basics of being in the kitchen. So many young women don't know how to compare prices in the grocery store etc. My talk opened up a door, it may not be for my benefit, but for the benefit of this sweet lady.
I'm glad I talked and I hope the next time God lays something on my heart to share with someone, I won't be as nervous and doubting of myself.
So many people are worrying about the future right now-but I know who holds tomorrow and I'm doing my best to trust in Him and not worry so much anymore. I think when we can learn this lesson, life will be so much better than we ever could have hoped or dreamed.
It's weird when I was writing about Talents (see post below) I was thinking about how important I felt the message was and it's a shame more people, especially women, don't hear it. Then I chuckled to myself and thought, wouldn't that be funny if I got asked to speak at Women of Destiny? This is exactly what I would talk about.
A couple weeks after that I was in my friend's flower shop and she asked me to speak at Women of Destiny. I told her I would and we set a date.
My friend from CORE Groups came for moral support...I couldn't believe how nervous I was. My hands and voice were shaking, my mouth felt like I'd stuffed a few cotton balls in there, it felt like it was about 200 degrees behind the podium, and I kept thinking, what was I thinking when I chose to talk about this? Almost all of these women are retired...they aren't going to care about this. But I felt God wanted me to talk about it and I really ended up speaking more about myself and what I've discovered with the talents than telling them to go do it for themselves. My Grandma showed up and it made me even more nervous that she was there. I cried a couple of times-made sense since one of my talents is empathy-even if I was crying for myself. haha
When I was done, many of the women had some thoughts to share with me and I was afraid I was going to be critiqued but none of them were negative in what they had to say. Some of them cried during my talk too so maybe it opened their eyes to some things in their lives? God is in control of it and I prayed that He would have me say the words He wanted spoken to that group of women.
They meet every Wednesday and it was strange but I got a phone call Tuesday night from one of the ladies asking if I was going to go the next morning. I hadn't really thought of it honestly but she said she had some things she wanted to talk about with me after hearing me talk the week before. She has written a book about bargain hunting and how to cook healthy on a small budget (she had 9 kids so she knows what she's talking about). She wants me to look at it and possibly find ways to help her share it. The reason she thought of me was because I had talked about working in the halfway houses, shelters, etc. and teaching women there the basics of being in the kitchen. So many young women don't know how to compare prices in the grocery store etc. My talk opened up a door, it may not be for my benefit, but for the benefit of this sweet lady.
I'm glad I talked and I hope the next time God lays something on my heart to share with someone, I won't be as nervous and doubting of myself.
So many people are worrying about the future right now-but I know who holds tomorrow and I'm doing my best to trust in Him and not worry so much anymore. I think when we can learn this lesson, life will be so much better than we ever could have hoped or dreamed.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I am so blessed
I have been sitting here thinking about life and the mountains and valley's I've gone through to get where I am today.
There have been times in my life when I wondered if tomorrow would ever be better than today and times when I had wished there could just be no tomorrow because it just hurt too bad.
I am so glad that God spared me in those very dark and desperate days. I have not made the best decisions at times in my life, but I've been able to come out stronger and more independent than I was when the trial started.
I've allowed myself to wallow in the why me?'s. I am not perfect, I am just a girl that has been hurt, rejected, and longing to know what it is like to have all the pieces of my life fit together and just be that way. What could I do to make the world be mine for a time? what I didn't want to see is that even those people with perfect lives on the outside, had trouble or were hurting on the inside. Do they have the problems I have had? probably not. They don't seem to lack for any of the things I did like love, money (to live comfortably-not excessive), health, or just to know that they were the apple of someone's eye. But does that mean I am stubborn and hard-headed and have to be beaten down to learn or does it mean I'm just stronger because I've gone through it and I survived? I don't know the answers to the questions in my mind. I struggle and feel guilty that someone else is hurting and I can't make it go away for them...
I have been a very happy and blessed woman for two years now. There haven't been any mountains or valleys, just a few ups and downs that are normal for someone in my position. I have a husband that loves and cherishes me, kids that don't cause us grief (besides the normal stuff), a successful business, a nice home with central heat and air, and a desire to become a better person and most of all, a desire to better serve my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I am thankful for the pain and the trials that made me who I am today. I feel like I went through them, so I could appreciate the things I do have now and I pray I never take them for granted.
There have been times in my life when I wondered if tomorrow would ever be better than today and times when I had wished there could just be no tomorrow because it just hurt too bad.
I am so glad that God spared me in those very dark and desperate days. I have not made the best decisions at times in my life, but I've been able to come out stronger and more independent than I was when the trial started.
I've allowed myself to wallow in the why me?'s. I am not perfect, I am just a girl that has been hurt, rejected, and longing to know what it is like to have all the pieces of my life fit together and just be that way. What could I do to make the world be mine for a time? what I didn't want to see is that even those people with perfect lives on the outside, had trouble or were hurting on the inside. Do they have the problems I have had? probably not. They don't seem to lack for any of the things I did like love, money (to live comfortably-not excessive), health, or just to know that they were the apple of someone's eye. But does that mean I am stubborn and hard-headed and have to be beaten down to learn or does it mean I'm just stronger because I've gone through it and I survived? I don't know the answers to the questions in my mind. I struggle and feel guilty that someone else is hurting and I can't make it go away for them...
I have been a very happy and blessed woman for two years now. There haven't been any mountains or valleys, just a few ups and downs that are normal for someone in my position. I have a husband that loves and cherishes me, kids that don't cause us grief (besides the normal stuff), a successful business, a nice home with central heat and air, and a desire to become a better person and most of all, a desire to better serve my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I am thankful for the pain and the trials that made me who I am today. I feel like I went through them, so I could appreciate the things I do have now and I pray I never take them for granted.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Talents
Matthew 25:14-30 (all Scripture references taken from NKJV) is the parable Jesus told about the talents.
Growing up we were told to think of these talents as money and many versions call them money.
Servant 1 was given 5 talents. Servant 2 was given 2 talents. Servant 3 was given 1 talent. Verse 15 says "to each according to his own ability: and immediately he went on a journey".
We read that Servant 1 went and 'traded' with them and made another five talents. Servant 2 went and 'traded' with them and made another 2 talents. But Servant 3 went and dug a hole in the ground and 'hid' the one talent.
Servants 1 and 2. Trusted with much, given much, and earned more.
What was it about them that they got more? Were they better looking? Skinny/Fat? Younger/Older? From a better lineage? No...they weren't given those talents because of any of that. They were given them according to their ability.
But I think there is more to this parable than money. Talent. Let's just say I put this parable in my own words and thoughts:
Jesus, my master, gave me talents that he built into my character. He went away for a long time, but he will return and want to know what I have done with the talents he gave me. Did I use them for building up the Kingdom, or did I bury and hide it because I was afraid, embarrassed, too shy, too hurt??
When God created me, he knew the kind of person I would be. He didn't give me the talent of athleticism, I'll never be in the WNBA , but it also isn't a desire of mine to be such.
I used to think that I was just a product of my environment and maybe I am to a degree. But being organized wasn't learned at home as much as it was vital to have when I entered the workforce as an administrative assistant. Is that a talent? I'm organized? To people who just can't get through the clutter in their garage, their closet, their head...yeah, it would be a great talent. Is crying during a missionary's slide show of children in poverty a talent? No, but having empathy for others makes me a caring person, a great wife, mom, sister, daughter and a better citizen. It helps me in my work to be able to put myself in another person's shoes and understand what they are feeling when they are learning something new. Does the fact that I like to learn seem like a talent? Not in and of itself, but I have a photographic memory too and I learn so many things and I love to share those things with others, from how to interview for a job, recipes, even sharing a great brand of jeans for another lovely large lady ;-).
Servant 1 traded his talents...he USED the talents the master gave him and by doing so, he developed even MORE talents!
I always thought that these things about me were just what makes me me...and guess what? They DO! So now back to the parable. Jesus will return to this earth and I will stand before Him on judgement day...when he asks what I've done with my talents...what will I tell him? I'm sorry sir, I hid them because I was tired of volunteering at our church and getting ignored, I was afraid people would make fun of me because I didn't know something they needed to know, I was afraid that I would get hurt again so I didn't reach out to that single mom that looked on the verge of losing her sanity, even though I used to be one and I know what she is going through and what she is feeling right now.
I never want to stand before my Heavenly Father and say I didn't use the talents He saw fit to give me. I look at the talents I have (from another study) and I am honored that He would chose ME to give them to. I have felt so inadequate in so many areas in my life! I may not have been the best earthly daughter, but I am a child of the Most High God and He created me with these talents and desires to please Him. I pray that I will not fail any longer in using the gifts He gave me.
Growing up we were told to think of these talents as money and many versions call them money.
Servant 1 was given 5 talents. Servant 2 was given 2 talents. Servant 3 was given 1 talent. Verse 15 says "to each according to his own ability: and immediately he went on a journey".
We read that Servant 1 went and 'traded' with them and made another five talents. Servant 2 went and 'traded' with them and made another 2 talents. But Servant 3 went and dug a hole in the ground and 'hid' the one talent.
Servants 1 and 2. Trusted with much, given much, and earned more.
What was it about them that they got more? Were they better looking? Skinny/Fat? Younger/Older? From a better lineage? No...they weren't given those talents because of any of that. They were given them according to their ability.
But I think there is more to this parable than money. Talent. Let's just say I put this parable in my own words and thoughts:
Jesus, my master, gave me talents that he built into my character. He went away for a long time, but he will return and want to know what I have done with the talents he gave me. Did I use them for building up the Kingdom, or did I bury and hide it because I was afraid, embarrassed, too shy, too hurt??
When God created me, he knew the kind of person I would be. He didn't give me the talent of athleticism, I'll never be in the WNBA , but it also isn't a desire of mine to be such.
I used to think that I was just a product of my environment and maybe I am to a degree. But being organized wasn't learned at home as much as it was vital to have when I entered the workforce as an administrative assistant. Is that a talent? I'm organized? To people who just can't get through the clutter in their garage, their closet, their head...yeah, it would be a great talent. Is crying during a missionary's slide show of children in poverty a talent? No, but having empathy for others makes me a caring person, a great wife, mom, sister, daughter and a better citizen. It helps me in my work to be able to put myself in another person's shoes and understand what they are feeling when they are learning something new. Does the fact that I like to learn seem like a talent? Not in and of itself, but I have a photographic memory too and I learn so many things and I love to share those things with others, from how to interview for a job, recipes, even sharing a great brand of jeans for another lovely large lady ;-).
Servant 1 traded his talents...he USED the talents the master gave him and by doing so, he developed even MORE talents!
I always thought that these things about me were just what makes me me...and guess what? They DO! So now back to the parable. Jesus will return to this earth and I will stand before Him on judgement day...when he asks what I've done with my talents...what will I tell him? I'm sorry sir, I hid them because I was tired of volunteering at our church and getting ignored, I was afraid people would make fun of me because I didn't know something they needed to know, I was afraid that I would get hurt again so I didn't reach out to that single mom that looked on the verge of losing her sanity, even though I used to be one and I know what she is going through and what she is feeling right now.
I never want to stand before my Heavenly Father and say I didn't use the talents He saw fit to give me. I look at the talents I have (from another study) and I am honored that He would chose ME to give them to. I have felt so inadequate in so many areas in my life! I may not have been the best earthly daughter, but I am a child of the Most High God and He created me with these talents and desires to please Him. I pray that I will not fail any longer in using the gifts He gave me.
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