Weight Loss

Ok, I've updated my weight loss blog too. It was kind of freeing in a way.

Anyways, if you want to read it: gettingtherechair.blogspot.com

I got signed up for something called BlogFrog. I'm still not sure how that happened. I have come across a few new blogs I enjoy reading, but I'm just not ready for all the world to know my failings...which are many. So anyways, I might have changed the privacy settings on that one. If you want to read it, let me know and I'll send you an invite.

Feeling blue today-besides the fact that it is really stinking cold (30 degrees), Jeremey is sitting in the Salt Lake City airport waiting to board a plane for Austin (at least I think that is the final destination). I think this is the first night we've spent apart since December 2009! Well, of course, when I stayed at my brothers house we weren't together, but at least we were in the same town. He gets there late tonight, works tomorrow and then his plane gets to Boise at 11:47pm...add an hour drive to that with getting luggage etc.,

I decided to do a few returns tonight since the little ones will be at the house the rest of the week. This will give me some alone time as well...even though it's just not the same. To me, great alone time would be getting a pedicure or a massage...but, I'll choose to enjoy it, run my errands quickly so I can get home and curl up on the couch to watch The Biggest Loser. And without him there to laugh at me, I can cry if I want to. haha

kids!?!?!

It's been a busy year...all 9 days of it seem to have been non-stop. We took last Sunday off from church (not good, I know) and spent the day together alone, then spent the week working at the store.

Amber has joined a women's soccer league and her games were scheduled for Friday and Saturday (apparently they change the schedule at will and its your responsibility to look). She played Friday night and then Saturday, we all went to the store and Jeremey and I and the 2 oldest, got haircuts. I told Amber to just get a trim and not a new hairstyle since her senior pictures were scheduled for today. When she came out, she had a new style.

This morning, while getting ready for church, she came in the bathroom and said "Mom, what do I do? I hate it!" I am not taking the blame for that one...and I told her so. The next time I saw her was at church and she looked like the lead singer for Def Lepard...it was awful. My cousin Taylor came over to try to make it look nice for the pictures (which it did) and did her makeup, after she had a hysterical crying fit about how she doesn't understand or know what senior pictures are about. WHAT?!?! I told her over a week ago to plan on a couple different outfits as well as what to NOT do with her hair...we'll get the pictures in a couple weeks.

Lexi got asked out by the boy she likes. He took her on a date today (with his mom as chaperone) to see the latest Narnia movie in 3D. She said they had a good time and I really like the kid. haha :)

My brother showed up a church with a girl I've never even heard him talk about before. Guess we'll see how long this lasts. She seemed nice and fixed the little girls' hair with curls and had them in dresses. If she is the right one, I hope it works out.

Well time for a new week to start.

Joy

Watching my little nieces asleep, peaceful, quiet...I am so in love with them as if they were my own little girls. I thought that I got cheated when my thyroid issues made it impossible to get pregnant again, but God knew what I needed and when. 

Tonight...this is pure joy. 

A new year...

I can sit here and think of individual things that have happened over the year and I think to myself, "Really, that was in 2010 too?". When November and December roll around, people start to say, "Where did the year go?", and "I don't know how it's only 'X' weeks before Christmas, seems like we just got done starting school".

I like new year's, new beginnings, Lamentations 3: 23 says God's faithfulness begins fresh each day...we get 365 new beginnings every year that we live! It's a big concept to grasp sometimes that we don't have to wait for January 1st to decide to be a better person, lose weight, make new friends, take up a new hobby or whatever...I can decide to do it today.

I've been horrible at keeping up with my online blog, but I have been keeping a paper journal (sometimes). Some of the things that stand out the most to me about 2010 are:

Meeting my birth sister

My dad's death

having a senior in high school

Starting 2 new brokerages and ending up inactive by the end of the year

Meeting new friends (online and in person)

Winning a Kindle from a local Christian fiction author (Robin Lee Hatcher)

Winning 3 of my favorite books in a series by another favorite Christian author (Bodie Thoene)

Making new business connections

Cutting my hair

2 cabin trips in the forest with my beloved

getting a new car

making amends with my ex-sis-in-law

becoming a certified caregiver to take care of my nieces and nephew

opening a retail store (from receptionist to business owner!!)

networking events I wouldn't normally attend

buying cell phones for the girls at Christmas

Amber & Landi winning FBLA at the state level to go to Nashville, TN this summer

gaining weight! haha...didn't see that coming right?

Gave up Dr. Pepper

Quit eating candy (except for homemade or a quality chocolate for a special treat)

celebrating my only living Grandma's 80th b-day

celebrating my only living Grandpas' 83rd b-day

Grandpa's heart attack and close call with death this summer

Death of a high school friends only sibling (and last living relative)

Being with my little sister by phone just before she gave birth to my niece Kamya (before we'd even met in person!)

supporting our church in the midst of persecution and rebirth

celebrating 3 years of bliss with Jeremey

Appointed the Nyssa Library Board (starting a book club and youth council)

well...I'm sure there are many more things, but these are the biggest things that I am remembering right now. For the most part, a happy year. I thought my dad's death would release me from a lot of pain, but it's still there...just under the surface. I don't have time to cry right now, so I'll 'do it later'. Then a lady that was married to my youth pastor died the next weekend, and my friend Donna's brother Brian died the next. 3 in a row...just before Brian's passing, Grandpa ended up in the hospital and they were talking of bringing in hospice! Not my favorite summer for sure...

I think I have learned some things about myself though...while I know it's important, I have a hard time saying "No, I need this time for myself". I'm going to work on that this year. And while Bible study and spending time with Jesus should first and foremost on my list...it keeps getting bumped so this year, I am making it a priority (and even calendaring) my time in the Word-because He does come first in my heart...I need to give Him more than I do.

And I want to blog more than I ended up doing at the end of 2010, because I know it's theraputic for me to. I find that I listen to my written words better than my mental ones...who knew?

Here's to better fellowship with God, healthy habits to be put in place, and all the love I have to be poured out to my family and friends.

"Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon" Unknown

putting off

I keep putting off updating my blog because...well, I'm busy. There is always somewhere to be, someone to help, someone to visit, money to make, bills to pay...I don't get a lot of me time and when I do, I have spent it reading (mostly on the Kindle I won!).

I have so many thoughts running through my head. I don't even know where to begin. I need time interrupted to just throw it all out there.

I know some changes are right around the corner and change can be a scary thing but I think it will be good for me and my family, it will also make the days feel longer and leave me less time with Jeremey...but it would take a lot of financial stress off of both of us. I am looking at getting a job and on top of that, I have seriously been considering leaving the broker I am with in order to go with one closer to home. Quite possibly a guy here in town. It feels weird to say it out loud. I haven't even talked to Jeremey about it yet.

Dad died June 22, 2 days after father's day. I thought it would be a huge relief to have him pass, but actually with his death, he took the only thing I ever wanted with him and that was to be his little girl. I know that if I died tomorrow my kids would know I love them, but if I was told tomorrow that I had 3-9 months to live, my kids would KNOW I love them. They would not have any doubts as to how I feel about them and how proud I am. While dad was given a 2nd chance so-to-speak by living 18 months after the diagnosis, he still denied me my birthright...being his daughter. And while I thought it wouldn't matter, I burst into tears anytime someone talked about the death of another person. After Dad, 2 other people a week apart passed away that I knew well enough to attend their funeral.

Then dear Grandpa ended up in the hospital-he had 2 heart attacks, pneumonia, pulmonary embolism and kidney failing and was released to a nursing home for rehab a week and a half later! Strong man...grieving himself to death. Family came from all over and I pray he realized how loved he is.

My beautiful nieces have been molested by a family member. This makes twice for them having been violated by 2 different people. I am just sickened about it. They are as precious to me as my own children and my heart just breaks. I pray God will restore their innocence and keep their hearts and minds pure. The verse I've been claiming over them is Joel 2:25 'and I will restore the years that the locusts have eaten'. The girls aren't the only ones suffering...my brother is torn up emotionally and emotions are spewing everywhere. I pray God deals swiftly with the person responsible for the pain, lest we all lose our minds.

My marriage is wonderful. Jeremey kept making comments about the 3rd year being the roughest on a marriage. hmm well that statistic bit the dust with us. Yes, things have been hard financially, we aren't able to do much on our house, and the phone just isn't ringing much for either of us. I had a real estate deal that I had been counting on to get some things taken care of...my buyer lost his job and therefore, his loan. And I lost the only income I was expecting for the year. Things are rough but we have a roof over our head, food on the table (thanks Mom!) and healthy, happy kids.

Well I guess this kind of sums up the last couple of months for me...I am teaching VBS this week and I am asking God to show me things as well. It's funny with all that has been going on with our church, we adopted the verse Jeremiah 29:11. The verse for VBS? Jeremiah 29:11. I truly want God to work in my life...I know saying that usually triggers some sort of issue that we learn the lesson by working through...except for losing Jeremey or one of the kids, I don't know that things could get much lower-I do not pray to be like Job...should I?

This was posted on FB by Liz Curtis Higgs and I thought it so neat for VBS: For all who are seeking the Lords leading at work, at home, in ministry: "And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us: and establish thou the work of our hands upon us." Psalm 90:17

enough is enough

I watched the movie 'Precious' last night and was talking about it with my brother this afternoon. I said "You know, I know that I wasn't abused like that, so I don't know where my issues come from." He said, "Well, it's from the neglect from dad all these years." Wow, so he really has seen it all these years.

Dad is supposedly dying (again) and the amount of time he has is unknown because no body seems to know if he is dying or not...a month or so ago my stepmom called and chewed me out for not going to see my dad because he is so sick and they don't know how long he has. However, this last Friday he took my little brother and one of his kids fishing. I was at my brothers house with his other 3 kids and washing dishes when they got back. They didn't come in and acknowledge me, nor did I go out and talk to them. I asked my brother if he noticed and he said "yeah, when we were pulling in they (i'm assuming she) said 'I'll be surprised if she doesn't come out here sticking her nose in our business'". He told me his thought was "Sheesh, why do you have to be so negative all the time?"

I hurt so bad tonight because of this. It's the final straw ...

My half-sister Trinity will be flying up here this week for a week to meet everyone. Our stepmom told her that she hoped Trinity understood when they told me that they didn't want me around when she came.

my heart hurts so much...I don't know that I've ever been hated by any one person as much as they hate me. When I commented this to my sister, she said her boyfriend said he felt it was because they believe in a 'higher power' and I believe in God so they don't like me because of it. All I could think of was what it must have been like for followers of Jesus and the Scriptures that talk about the last days how it will be mother against daughter, father against son etc.

I'm just at a loss and so numb right now...at least I think I'm numb....it hurts so maybe that isn't what numb is about...my tears are dried up for now...

listen to yourself

I am not spending a lot of time on my blogs lately. It's not that I don't have a ton of stuff rolling around in my head that I would like to just sit down and let go of, sometimes I just wonder if once I start, will I be able to quit?

I guess the biggest issue for us right now is financial. The economy has hit us both where it hurts. I guess so many Realtors are ok because they have a spouse with a paying job. Not another self-employed person. I think we've done great and our tax return says we had an excellent year last year...the momentum has just not carried over to this year.

I have one house sold, I definitely need to make new contacts and get more customers. I've been going to the office 3-4 days a week which has helped because I have no home distractions and I'm learning SO much. The conundrum at this point is how do I turn what I am learning into making money?

The second biggest issue is our beloved pastor. He is being fired (by the higher ups) from our church because of his Biblical stance on a pretty heated issue: homosexuality. this is the most confusing thing I've ever had to deal with as an adult in church. the Bible states very clearly where we should stand and yet a minister is being removed from his position because of it. A sign of the last days? A sign of the wicked and depraved society we live in? I am proud he is not faltering but I am so sad we will be losing a man and his family that we have grown to love dearly. There are a few options, but only one lets us keep our pastor and that would be to rent a space somewhere else to have church and hope we can bring in enough money every month to pay him a salary. That may not be what God has in store for our church, our family, or even Reverend Gene and his family however, and I think that may be the hardest part to swallow in all of this.

Physically, I'm suffering quite a bit lately. I can't walk 3 blocks without having an asthma-like attack. I actually used Lexi's inhaler tonight because i couldn't catch my breath. I'm still coughing and I didn't even DO anything physical this evening to get worked up. It's frustrating in my weight loss journey because I know that I need to exercise but right now, i don't know what is up and without money, I can't afford to go to a doctor...so I cough and try not to get too worked up...

I really need healing from things both emotional and physical.

When I was discussing things with a gentleman at church I said "how would we pay a salary..." and he interrupted me and said "God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, He isn't worried about that."
When I stress about our money situation right now, I close my eyes and visualize a cow on a hill chewing some grass. I see two things: God knows our finances, He knows what we need and He can give it to us, but the other thing is that that cow isn't worried about anything but what it's doing right now...and 'who can, by worrying, add even one day to his life?'