Loss of a parent

I got up on a normal Saturday morning, did my 'getting ready for the day' routine, and saw that I had a voicemail from my little brother. I checked it and he said to call him when I got the message so I did. But then he wouldn't talk to me, he wanted to talk to my hubby. He didn't want to be the one to tell me that he found out the night before that our dad had been diagnosed with cancer in his liver and pancreas and was given 3-9 months to live.

I'm not sure how to react or feel and I don't know if this is normal. My dad and I are not close. We never really have been and I won't point fingers or blame...that is just the way it has been for 20 years or so. If this were someone close to me, I know I would shut down for a day or two and greive and then give them all the love and attention I can. I would make sure they know how I feel about them-how much i love them. The situation isn't really like that now. I feel like saying I love you to him is almost obligatory. I cried over this man for 20 years and thought I could finally say that's fine, I'm alright without hearing him say he loves me...and now he is going to be gone.

I'm sure he is going through similar feelings-what he could have/should have done in the past...at least I assume he is. Is it because that is what I want? Maybe he thinks it is perfectly normal to go years without speaking to your birth children. What do I want from him? I don't even know. He has nothing left to give, not even time and nothing he could do can bring back those 20 years and make them better~but there IS something I can do...I can forgive and quit focusing on the past and what wasn't.

Maybe because of the home he grew up in with no sisters and alcoholic mother, he really didn't know what to do with a girl. Was that my fault? No, but maybe he really did do the best that he knew how to do and when it wasn't enough for me, instead of trying harder, he pushed me away? His wife said that he said he loved me when I called the other night to check on him, but I longed to hear it from him a very long time ago. It took me a very long time to understand that he gave what he knew to give and it wasn't enough to sustain me. It really is ok now because I have forgiven him and I was ready to move on and just accept the loss. But now, the loss isn't going to be just emotional, but physical as well.

I found out over a month ago that he was sick, my brother called and said he wanted to see me and my daughter before going for more testing in another state. I debated going and talked to hubby about it. He said if I was going to go over there as a 10 year old girl expecting him to proclaim how he loved me and that he knew he screwed up, that I had better stay home because it wasn't going to happen. I took a couple of days to think about that and I felt like yes, I truly have forgiven him, I don't hate him anymore, I don't wish bad things on him, I accept that there is not a relationship there.

So I go visit Dad (a man I call by his first name to everyone but him) with my eleven year old daughter. His first granddaughter that he hasn't seen in three years. When we walked in their house, I saw this old man where 'dad' should have been. I felt pity for him. Pity that this is what a life of living the choices he made had brought him to. He is 54 years old and reclining in a chair with a blanket around him and a head full of gray hair. He was sick and asked for me to come and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. At that very moment, I knew I didn't hate him anymore. I had only thought that I had forgiven before seeing him, but one look didn't bring hatred or anger, but pity.

I cried for twenty years for a relationship, for him to love me like a daughter and not a distant cousin. now, he has literally, less than a year to undo damage he may not even know he's done. I will not hold those tears against him. I am a strong, independent woman because I had to be. I've never had things handed to me or smoothed over by my daddy...I can choose to look at our lack of relationship as a good thing for me, even though I blamed him for so long...I'm proud of the woman I am now (more or less) and I choose to let him live the rest of his life in peace, knowing he is forgiven and loved.