1 Goal accomplished!

Ok, here is the finished product! It's such a cute purse, I'm still surprised that I made it.

My 2nd mom, Janine was SO patient with me and really took the time to explain the stuff I wasn't clear on. She was the picture of patience with me and I'm SO grateful! I had a lot of fun making the purse and watching it come together. I would hold it up at times and think to myself, "wow, I'm really doing this!".

I have to say though for someone that can't draw a straight line (or cut one for that matter) with a ruler, and who has no depth perception, stripes may not have been the best way to go. LOL I thought I was going cross-eyed a couple of times but it really turned out cute. We tried to improvise a bit on the shoulder strap and although it didn't turn out like it was supposed to, it actually works best for the purse. phew!

Of course, my wonderful, supportive husband wanted to look at it as soon as I walked in the door. I got the proper ooh's and ahh's from a husband and then sat on the couch in sheer exhaustion! Who knew sewing could take so much concentration and effort? I was at it for 6 hours on the purse...maybe I should give it up? nah...it was too fun. I have the material, I could actually cut out the pattern for the 2nd one in my collection....haha not yet.

Lexi saw the purse the next morning and after the appropriate compliments on it, I saw her trying to go up to her room with it on her shoulder. If I give it to her, then I have to make at least 2 more purses in my sewing career...one for each of my other two girls. lol

Maybe I'll start making them as gifts...I better practice more-but hey, it's fun!

Sewing Lesson

So tomorrow I am going over to my mother-in-law's to attempt to sew my first project. When we were on our honeymoon, walking around Saturday Market, I noticed women carrying the cutest purses and I decided I needed one to put my treasures (purchases) in as well so I would fit in with the Portland crowd. ;-)

On our way home, I looked at Jeremey and said I bet this purse wouldn't be that hard to make. He said well when we get home, go to Jo Ann's and get a pattern and stuff and make one. It took me an hour to pick out the material I thought I wanted. When I get home and fretted a bit and thought "what was I thinking, I've never sewn before!!" and he said oh, well you will probably throw your first one away anyways. UGG...not this beautiful material I picked out!! So, the stuff went in a drawer not to be seen or discussed again for a year and a half or so.

It must have been the whole "trying something new" thought process but I brought up making the purse again to Jeremey and he said to go for it. I talked to my aunt about it and she encouraged me to do it too so I went back to Jo Ann's and found a cute material. I won't cry if it doesn't turn out, but it's cute enough that if it looks ok, I'd still use it.

Now the fun part...I haven't sewn anything in my life, despite that A+ from Home Ec. (sorry Mrs. Williams!!). I had laid out the material and the pattern but my mom, the "seamstress" yelled that I was about to cut it wrong and sent me to bed. When I woke up, the sewing fairy had left me a perfect vest to turn in. I never attempted to sew again after that. So tomorrow will be fun...the best part? I love my MIL, she loves me, and she was my 4th grade teacher so we already kind of have this teacher/student relationship. :) haha

And we've already decided we'd have our lunch at A&W...because you know, we might need a break after we start to clear our minds or something to that effect.

I'll try to post a picture when I get done with it. :)

Life is good...

I spoke to a group of women a couple weeks ago and I was SO nervous! The ones I know from there, I've known for years.

It's weird when I was writing about Talents (see post below) I was thinking about how important I felt the message was and it's a shame more people, especially women, don't hear it. Then I chuckled to myself and thought, wouldn't that be funny if I got asked to speak at Women of Destiny? This is exactly what I would talk about.

A couple weeks after that I was in my friend's flower shop and she asked me to speak at Women of Destiny. I told her I would and we set a date.

My friend from CORE Groups came for moral support...I couldn't believe how nervous I was. My hands and voice were shaking, my mouth felt like I'd stuffed a few cotton balls in there, it felt like it was about 200 degrees behind the podium, and I kept thinking, what was I thinking when I chose to talk about this? Almost all of these women are retired...they aren't going to care about this. But I felt God wanted me to talk about it and I really ended up speaking more about myself and what I've discovered with the talents than telling them to go do it for themselves. My Grandma showed up and it made me even more nervous that she was there. I cried a couple of times-made sense since one of my talents is empathy-even if I was crying for myself. haha

When I was done, many of the women had some thoughts to share with me and I was afraid I was going to be critiqued but none of them were negative in what they had to say. Some of them cried during my talk too so maybe it opened their eyes to some things in their lives? God is in control of it and I prayed that He would have me say the words He wanted spoken to that group of women.

They meet every Wednesday and it was strange but I got a phone call Tuesday night from one of the ladies asking if I was going to go the next morning. I hadn't really thought of it honestly but she said she had some things she wanted to talk about with me after hearing me talk the week before. She has written a book about bargain hunting and how to cook healthy on a small budget (she had 9 kids so she knows what she's talking about). She wants me to look at it and possibly find ways to help her share it. The reason she thought of me was because I had talked about working in the halfway houses, shelters, etc. and teaching women there the basics of being in the kitchen. So many young women don't know how to compare prices in the grocery store etc. My talk opened up a door, it may not be for my benefit, but for the benefit of this sweet lady.

I'm glad I talked and I hope the next time God lays something on my heart to share with someone, I won't be as nervous and doubting of myself.

So many people are worrying about the future right now-but I know who holds tomorrow and I'm doing my best to trust in Him and not worry so much anymore. I think when we can learn this lesson, life will be so much better than we ever could have hoped or dreamed.

I am so blessed

I have been sitting here thinking about life and the mountains and valley's I've gone through to get where I am today.

There have been times in my life when I wondered if tomorrow would ever be better than today and times when I had wished there could just be no tomorrow because it just hurt too bad.

I am so glad that God spared me in those very dark and desperate days. I have not made the best decisions at times in my life, but I've been able to come out stronger and more independent than I was when the trial started.

I've allowed myself to wallow in the why me?'s. I am not perfect, I am just a girl that has been hurt, rejected, and longing to know what it is like to have all the pieces of my life fit together and just be that way. What could I do to make the world be mine for a time? what I didn't want to see is that even those people with perfect lives on the outside, had trouble or were hurting on the inside. Do they have the problems I have had? probably not. They don't seem to lack for any of the things I did like love, money (to live comfortably-not excessive), health, or just to know that they were the apple of someone's eye. But does that mean I am stubborn and hard-headed and have to be beaten down to learn or does it mean I'm just stronger because I've gone through it and I survived? I don't know the answers to the questions in my mind. I struggle and feel guilty that someone else is hurting and I can't make it go away for them...

I have been a very happy and blessed woman for two years now. There haven't been any mountains or valleys, just a few ups and downs that are normal for someone in my position. I have a husband that loves and cherishes me, kids that don't cause us grief (besides the normal stuff), a successful business, a nice home with central heat and air, and a desire to become a better person and most of all, a desire to better serve my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am thankful for the pain and the trials that made me who I am today. I feel like I went through them, so I could appreciate the things I do have now and I pray I never take them for granted.

Talents

Matthew 25:14-30 (all Scripture references taken from NKJV) is the parable Jesus told about the talents.



Growing up we were told to think of these talents as money and many versions call them money.



Servant 1 was given 5 talents. Servant 2 was given 2 talents. Servant 3 was given 1 talent. Verse 15 says "to each according to his own ability: and immediately he went on a journey".



We read that Servant 1 went and 'traded' with them and made another five talents. Servant 2 went and 'traded' with them and made another 2 talents. But Servant 3 went and dug a hole in the ground and 'hid' the one talent.



Servants 1 and 2. Trusted with much, given much, and earned more.

What was it about them that they got more? Were they better looking? Skinny/Fat? Younger/Older? From a better lineage? No...they weren't given those talents because of any of that. They were given them according to their ability.



But I think there is more to this parable than money. Talent. Let's just say I put this parable in my own words and thoughts:



Jesus, my master, gave me talents that he built into my character. He went away for a long time, but he will return and want to know what I have done with the talents he gave me. Did I use them for building up the Kingdom, or did I bury and hide it because I was afraid, embarrassed, too shy, too hurt??



When God created me, he knew the kind of person I would be. He didn't give me the talent of athleticism, I'll never be in the WNBA , but it also isn't a desire of mine to be such.

I used to think that I was just a product of my environment and maybe I am to a degree. But being organized wasn't learned at home as much as it was vital to have when I entered the workforce as an administrative assistant. Is that a talent? I'm organized? To people who just can't get through the clutter in their garage, their closet, their head...yeah, it would be a great talent. Is crying during a missionary's slide show of children in poverty a talent? No, but having empathy for others makes me a caring person, a great wife, mom, sister, daughter and a better citizen. It helps me in my work to be able to put myself in another person's shoes and understand what they are feeling when they are learning something new. Does the fact that I like to learn seem like a talent? Not in and of itself, but I have a photographic memory too and I learn so many things and I love to share those things with others, from how to interview for a job, recipes, even sharing a great brand of jeans for another lovely large lady ;-).



Servant 1 traded his talents...he USED the talents the master gave him and by doing so, he developed even MORE talents!



I always thought that these things about me were just what makes me me...and guess what? They DO! So now back to the parable. Jesus will return to this earth and I will stand before Him on judgement day...when he asks what I've done with my talents...what will I tell him? I'm sorry sir, I hid them because I was tired of volunteering at our church and getting ignored, I was afraid people would make fun of me because I didn't know something they needed to know, I was afraid that I would get hurt again so I didn't reach out to that single mom that looked on the verge of losing her sanity, even though I used to be one and I know what she is going through and what she is feeling right now.



I never want to stand before my Heavenly Father and say I didn't use the talents He saw fit to give me. I look at the talents I have (from another study) and I am honored that He would chose ME to give them to. I have felt so inadequate in so many areas in my life! I may not have been the best earthly daughter, but I am a child of the Most High God and He created me with these talents and desires to please Him. I pray that I will not fail any longer in using the gifts He gave me.

Resolution

res·o·lu·tion (rěz'ə-lōō'shən) Pronunciation Key n.
1. The state or quality of being resolute; firm determination.
2. A resolving to do something.
3. A course of action determined or decided on.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2006 by Houghton Mifflin Company.Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved. Cite This Source



There were other definitions but I chose the top three because they fit the 'feel' of this particular blog. Every year you turn on the TV or the radio and you hear about all the people who have made their New Year's Resolutions. You are encouraged to make resolutions-to take control of your life, to become organized, to lose weight, to get a promotion at work...why do these goals have to be set only one day a year? Can today not be seen as a stepping stone to making your life healthier, happier or more complete?



I did not make resolutions. I did make some goals. I thought about some changes I need to make in my life that would make me a better person come this time next year (as long as I follow through with them). I think the timetable of life that was given to my dad makes me think about myself more, it just happened to be at the first of the year that this came about. If I should get this same prognosis from a Doctor at the age of 54, what do I want my life to have been about? What do I want to count in the end? What will be said of me at my funeral? I will be 54 in 20 years and I look at my husband and kids and I know that I want to be here a lot longer for them, because frankly, twenty years is just NOT enough time!



My goals for a happier, healthier me are:

build better relationships with the people I love
take time to develop my strengths and talents and put them to use
take time for each of my kids one-on-one
to try at least one new thing (hubby would be thrilled if I tried kayaking with him this summer)
to take a healthy action and turn it into a habit (8oz of water anyone?)
to read and study my Bible more
join at least one women's group for support and friendships



These are not goals that will only last until March, these are lifetime changes. Some of these things are related to my physical health and others are to my mental and emotional well-being. Some of these things will even make the people in my home, happier too.



I know that when I get dressed in the morning and complain about my clothes being too tight, that I could eat less during the day, drink more water (instead of pop), and get in a little walk or some activity. I also know that when my day is done, I just change into more comfortable clothes and hang out with the tv or computer. Tomorrow, I will be just as upset about the tight pants but what did I do to make it better? It isn't just about buying bigger clothes. It's about making a change.



I don't want to go kayaking...I don't think. I think I have valid reasons: scared of water, can't swim well, too fat, embarassed about my size (and being seen in wet clothes), what if I fall out and can't get back in, etc., and yet I can also see that it would be fun to be with my honey all day, floating down the river, passing scenery you don't get to see from the road, the thrill of just trying something new and being able to say "I DID IT!". It will be worth it and I don't want to wait until I'm skinny enough to look good...that day may not come.

Carpe Diem! I want to move forward with my life from today, not when I'm skinnier, healthier, richer...today.

Loss of a parent

I got up on a normal Saturday morning, did my 'getting ready for the day' routine, and saw that I had a voicemail from my little brother. I checked it and he said to call him when I got the message so I did. But then he wouldn't talk to me, he wanted to talk to my hubby. He didn't want to be the one to tell me that he found out the night before that our dad had been diagnosed with cancer in his liver and pancreas and was given 3-9 months to live.

I'm not sure how to react or feel and I don't know if this is normal. My dad and I are not close. We never really have been and I won't point fingers or blame...that is just the way it has been for 20 years or so. If this were someone close to me, I know I would shut down for a day or two and greive and then give them all the love and attention I can. I would make sure they know how I feel about them-how much i love them. The situation isn't really like that now. I feel like saying I love you to him is almost obligatory. I cried over this man for 20 years and thought I could finally say that's fine, I'm alright without hearing him say he loves me...and now he is going to be gone.

I'm sure he is going through similar feelings-what he could have/should have done in the past...at least I assume he is. Is it because that is what I want? Maybe he thinks it is perfectly normal to go years without speaking to your birth children. What do I want from him? I don't even know. He has nothing left to give, not even time and nothing he could do can bring back those 20 years and make them better~but there IS something I can do...I can forgive and quit focusing on the past and what wasn't.

Maybe because of the home he grew up in with no sisters and alcoholic mother, he really didn't know what to do with a girl. Was that my fault? No, but maybe he really did do the best that he knew how to do and when it wasn't enough for me, instead of trying harder, he pushed me away? His wife said that he said he loved me when I called the other night to check on him, but I longed to hear it from him a very long time ago. It took me a very long time to understand that he gave what he knew to give and it wasn't enough to sustain me. It really is ok now because I have forgiven him and I was ready to move on and just accept the loss. But now, the loss isn't going to be just emotional, but physical as well.

I found out over a month ago that he was sick, my brother called and said he wanted to see me and my daughter before going for more testing in another state. I debated going and talked to hubby about it. He said if I was going to go over there as a 10 year old girl expecting him to proclaim how he loved me and that he knew he screwed up, that I had better stay home because it wasn't going to happen. I took a couple of days to think about that and I felt like yes, I truly have forgiven him, I don't hate him anymore, I don't wish bad things on him, I accept that there is not a relationship there.

So I go visit Dad (a man I call by his first name to everyone but him) with my eleven year old daughter. His first granddaughter that he hasn't seen in three years. When we walked in their house, I saw this old man where 'dad' should have been. I felt pity for him. Pity that this is what a life of living the choices he made had brought him to. He is 54 years old and reclining in a chair with a blanket around him and a head full of gray hair. He was sick and asked for me to come and I did what I thought was the right thing to do. At that very moment, I knew I didn't hate him anymore. I had only thought that I had forgiven before seeing him, but one look didn't bring hatred or anger, but pity.

I cried for twenty years for a relationship, for him to love me like a daughter and not a distant cousin. now, he has literally, less than a year to undo damage he may not even know he's done. I will not hold those tears against him. I am a strong, independent woman because I had to be. I've never had things handed to me or smoothed over by my daddy...I can choose to look at our lack of relationship as a good thing for me, even though I blamed him for so long...I'm proud of the woman I am now (more or less) and I choose to let him live the rest of his life in peace, knowing he is forgiven and loved.