I am not spending a lot of time on my blogs lately. It's not that I don't have a ton of stuff rolling around in my head that I would like to just sit down and let go of, sometimes I just wonder if once I start, will I be able to quit?
I guess the biggest issue for us right now is financial. The economy has hit us both where it hurts. I guess so many Realtors are ok because they have a spouse with a paying job. Not another self-employed person. I think we've done great and our tax return says we had an excellent year last year...the momentum has just not carried over to this year.
I have one house sold, I definitely need to make new contacts and get more customers. I've been going to the office 3-4 days a week which has helped because I have no home distractions and I'm learning SO much. The conundrum at this point is how do I turn what I am learning into making money?
The second biggest issue is our beloved pastor. He is being fired (by the higher ups) from our church because of his Biblical stance on a pretty heated issue: homosexuality. this is the most confusing thing I've ever had to deal with as an adult in church. the Bible states very clearly where we should stand and yet a minister is being removed from his position because of it. A sign of the last days? A sign of the wicked and depraved society we live in? I am proud he is not faltering but I am so sad we will be losing a man and his family that we have grown to love dearly. There are a few options, but only one lets us keep our pastor and that would be to rent a space somewhere else to have church and hope we can bring in enough money every month to pay him a salary. That may not be what God has in store for our church, our family, or even Reverend Gene and his family however, and I think that may be the hardest part to swallow in all of this.
Physically, I'm suffering quite a bit lately. I can't walk 3 blocks without having an asthma-like attack. I actually used Lexi's inhaler tonight because i couldn't catch my breath. I'm still coughing and I didn't even DO anything physical this evening to get worked up. It's frustrating in my weight loss journey because I know that I need to exercise but right now, i don't know what is up and without money, I can't afford to go to a doctor...so I cough and try not to get too worked up...
I really need healing from things both emotional and physical.
When I was discussing things with a gentleman at church I said "how would we pay a salary..." and he interrupted me and said "God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, He isn't worried about that."
When I stress about our money situation right now, I close my eyes and visualize a cow on a hill chewing some grass. I see two things: God knows our finances, He knows what we need and He can give it to us, but the other thing is that that cow isn't worried about anything but what it's doing right now...and 'who can, by worrying, add even one day to his life?'
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
depression
How can someone be SO happy and yet sad at the same time? I don't know how to even explain the way I had been feeling last week. I'm not exactly over the funk, but for Jeremey's sake, I have to get over it.
I have to say part of it, or maybe it started because of hormones but even with that being over and done with, I find myself fighting this inner battle.
I'm selfish! Human nature right? A year or even six months ago I wouldn't have said that panic attacks are not about being selfish but guess what? they are. I think an awful lot more about myself than the next guy on the street. Why? Probably because I'm such a judgemental person myself that I think because I look at people and see their 'flaws', that people must look at me and comment on my flaws. My biggest (no pun intended) being my size and how big I am. I don't want to walk into a room because people will think I'm fat. Really? Do I really know what people would think about me, or do I just think that because that is how I would react that it must be how others think?
I'm also greedy. Nothing is good enough. My clothes aren't nice enough (but I don't want to buy anything else because I can only find fat clothes). Other people have nicer cars, nicer wedding rings, better hair styling skills...you name it, I'm dealing with it. Sitting around with some people the last couple of weeks all I could notice were the big shiny wedding rings the other women were wearing. It's not the ring but the marriage that counts so why did I feel so down about not having a big gorgeous ring? My husband loves me the way he does for me, and I love him for him, not for the size of the rocks on my wedding ring...
I'm cranky. I want my own house. My MIL is kind, and so very gracious to put up with us living here even this long, but I want to live in my own house, with my rules, my groceries, my hours, my washer and dryer...
I don't know how long it will take to get our house livable. It all takes money. In order to make money, we have to work and put in all kinds of hours. Then I get upset because Jeremey isn't home as much as I would like. When he needs 'guy time' or to get out of the house, I want to let him go with a smile and have him come home with a smile and be relaxed. It's hard to do when I'm stressed out.
I decided to not go back to school next term. I have done well, but I need to spend time with my kids, not a text book, I need to put in time on our business and my real estate so that Jeremey doesn't have to shoulder all the things that have to be done to help keep us successful.
I have also found that it will not kill me to walk into a classroom full of people I don't know. It won't kill me to stand in front of a group of people and talk. And I think much more about myself than others do...good or bad. I read a blog by a gal Janette Fulda. Her blogsite is titled PastaQueen and here is an excerpt of her blog from March 1, 2010:
The only bad thing about my current weight is all the time I spend thinking about what other people think about my weight. It’s a problem caused only by itself, like a snake eating it’s own tail. It’s a cyclical worry cycle, and I’m getting dizzy spinning around and around in my head all the time. I’ve wasted so many hours worrying about food, the scale, what I ate, what I should eat, and nagging myself to exercise, all because I’m worried people might be disappointed about how big I am if they meet me. Aaaaaaah!! It hasn’t been about about me and my health, it’s been about other people.
That’s why when I’ve gained a few pounds, I freak out a bit and feel like I should do something drastic, because WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?! When really, I should just chill out, and get over myself. People don’t think of me half as often as I think they do, and people who judge me on my weight aren’t people I want to like me anyway. I should just get my slow burn on and take care of myself for my own sake, not because I want people I don’t know to like me. It’s so easy to make up a reason that I should be ashamed of my weight. At my thinnest, I worried I was still fat. Now that I’m fatter, I worry that I’m not thin. It’s got to stop. There’s no way to win.
wow, she said perfectly what I needed to hear. Honestly, my wonderful and honest husband said something along these lines the other night to me when I was being less than kind about going somewhere and being too fat. He got me to thinking about it and then I received this blog from a friend a few days later...talk about light bulb moments...
So the things that have been on the back burner are moving up to the front, I'm getting rid of a huge time commitment and will free up more time for my family and I can re-prioritize so I can get back on track.
I'm so thankful for an awesome husband that loves me in spite of the horrible person I can be...
I have to say part of it, or maybe it started because of hormones but even with that being over and done with, I find myself fighting this inner battle.
I'm selfish! Human nature right? A year or even six months ago I wouldn't have said that panic attacks are not about being selfish but guess what? they are. I think an awful lot more about myself than the next guy on the street. Why? Probably because I'm such a judgemental person myself that I think because I look at people and see their 'flaws', that people must look at me and comment on my flaws. My biggest (no pun intended) being my size and how big I am. I don't want to walk into a room because people will think I'm fat. Really? Do I really know what people would think about me, or do I just think that because that is how I would react that it must be how others think?
I'm also greedy. Nothing is good enough. My clothes aren't nice enough (but I don't want to buy anything else because I can only find fat clothes). Other people have nicer cars, nicer wedding rings, better hair styling skills...you name it, I'm dealing with it. Sitting around with some people the last couple of weeks all I could notice were the big shiny wedding rings the other women were wearing. It's not the ring but the marriage that counts so why did I feel so down about not having a big gorgeous ring? My husband loves me the way he does for me, and I love him for him, not for the size of the rocks on my wedding ring...
I'm cranky. I want my own house. My MIL is kind, and so very gracious to put up with us living here even this long, but I want to live in my own house, with my rules, my groceries, my hours, my washer and dryer...
I don't know how long it will take to get our house livable. It all takes money. In order to make money, we have to work and put in all kinds of hours. Then I get upset because Jeremey isn't home as much as I would like. When he needs 'guy time' or to get out of the house, I want to let him go with a smile and have him come home with a smile and be relaxed. It's hard to do when I'm stressed out.
I decided to not go back to school next term. I have done well, but I need to spend time with my kids, not a text book, I need to put in time on our business and my real estate so that Jeremey doesn't have to shoulder all the things that have to be done to help keep us successful.
I have also found that it will not kill me to walk into a classroom full of people I don't know. It won't kill me to stand in front of a group of people and talk. And I think much more about myself than others do...good or bad. I read a blog by a gal Janette Fulda. Her blogsite is titled PastaQueen and here is an excerpt of her blog from March 1, 2010:
The only bad thing about my current weight is all the time I spend thinking about what other people think about my weight. It’s a problem caused only by itself, like a snake eating it’s own tail. It’s a cyclical worry cycle, and I’m getting dizzy spinning around and around in my head all the time. I’ve wasted so many hours worrying about food, the scale, what I ate, what I should eat, and nagging myself to exercise, all because I’m worried people might be disappointed about how big I am if they meet me. Aaaaaaah!! It hasn’t been about about me and my health, it’s been about other people.
That’s why when I’ve gained a few pounds, I freak out a bit and feel like I should do something drastic, because WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?! When really, I should just chill out, and get over myself. People don’t think of me half as often as I think they do, and people who judge me on my weight aren’t people I want to like me anyway. I should just get my slow burn on and take care of myself for my own sake, not because I want people I don’t know to like me. It’s so easy to make up a reason that I should be ashamed of my weight. At my thinnest, I worried I was still fat. Now that I’m fatter, I worry that I’m not thin. It’s got to stop. There’s no way to win.
wow, she said perfectly what I needed to hear. Honestly, my wonderful and honest husband said something along these lines the other night to me when I was being less than kind about going somewhere and being too fat. He got me to thinking about it and then I received this blog from a friend a few days later...talk about light bulb moments...
So the things that have been on the back burner are moving up to the front, I'm getting rid of a huge time commitment and will free up more time for my family and I can re-prioritize so I can get back on track.
I'm so thankful for an awesome husband that loves me in spite of the horrible person I can be...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
New creation
I am so very happy. I am not jealous of happily-married women anymore, because I am one. The other day I came home to find a dozen roses, just because. When I stressed out about having another full day of laundry in front of me on top of my homework, he took it all to the laundromat and did every bit of it.
I am living the life I dreamed of but thought it would always be a dream. So now, on to the demon I have fought the most...my weight.
It's kind of weird that I always thought i wouldn't be happy unless I was skinny. Hmmm I'm definitely not skinny and am completely happy. I'm not as critical of myself in my clothes (out is still another story lol), I'm more confident in my abilities and I don't consider myself ugly or stupid, because of my weight.
In church the other day, my mind kind of wandered during the childrens time about my weight battle. Before I knew it, Pastor was up there getting ready to start his sermon. Our theme verse for the year is 2 Corinthians 5:17-21. Pastor started talking about how salvation is like Extreme Makeover: when the bus moves out of the way, there is a new 'creation' or building and there is no mortgage because God paid it all. verse 17 is 'If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.' How appropriate (I don't think He would mind the analogy). I want to be the new creation but the outside doesn't matter as much as the inside does. And the inside is where it matters if you are 'old' or 'new'.
I am living the life I dreamed of but thought it would always be a dream. So now, on to the demon I have fought the most...my weight.
It's kind of weird that I always thought i wouldn't be happy unless I was skinny. Hmmm I'm definitely not skinny and am completely happy. I'm not as critical of myself in my clothes (out is still another story lol), I'm more confident in my abilities and I don't consider myself ugly or stupid, because of my weight.
In church the other day, my mind kind of wandered during the childrens time about my weight battle. Before I knew it, Pastor was up there getting ready to start his sermon. Our theme verse for the year is 2 Corinthians 5:17-21. Pastor started talking about how salvation is like Extreme Makeover: when the bus moves out of the way, there is a new 'creation' or building and there is no mortgage because God paid it all. verse 17 is 'If any man is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come.' How appropriate (I don't think He would mind the analogy). I want to be the new creation but the outside doesn't matter as much as the inside does. And the inside is where it matters if you are 'old' or 'new'.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
happy
I get made fun of on Facebook because I post about being happy and how fantastic being in love is. I don't get it. If I was miserable would more people commiserate with me and not be so negative? I know I haven't had the worst life, but I haven't had the easiest either. I'm finally happy, proud of who I am and what I've done...why can't I share that without people commenting in the negative?
I just laugh when they say oh I'm just kidding or whatever but honestly, I've stood by and watched others be happy for 30 years...it's my turn to be happy, why can't I express it? Anyways, it's probably a waste of time to get upset about it, but I do.
I have started school again. Tomorrow is my last day of week 2 and I have survived so far. Although this English class may be the death of a decent GPA for me. We are writing one essay a week (give or take)...I think that's 8 more essays. We turn in our first one Wednesday (because Monday is a holiday) and I'm a little nervous. So far we've only done one introduction essay and she marked it up pretty good with comma's, but didn't really make comments as to my content. Maybe because she couldn't really dispute that I'm a mom of 4 kids and live a busy, hectic life? I had to stop myself from writing lol or haha in my essay. I'm not the oldest person in either of my classes by quite a bit, which was a concern for me going in. I think I'll do ok this term. I plan on going Spring and Summer but we'll see how business is for our biz and my real estate. I don't have a time limit on when I have to have a degree by, but I don't want years to go between classes and forget what I learned either.
I'm really enjoying it though I am so busy I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going, it's a great experience and I'm proud of myself for doing it. Three years ago this would have been a major panic attack invoking type of thing to do...
I re-joined Weight Watchers again. I know it works, I just have to do it. I can't do it on my own or I wouldn't keep gaining the weight back. I'm grateful for a husband that encourages me when I need it both by suggesting/cooking healthy options and commenting when he notices a loss as well as that he loves me the way I am, even if I don't lose. Haha, in fact, this is how much he loves me: the other night I asked him if he would be willing to eat 1 new WW meal that I prepare from a recipe off the website or in the magazine. He just looked at me for a few minutes and then said begrudgingly, "I guess I could do that once a week or two..." TRUE LOVE! Anyways, my first official weigh-in (WI from here on out) was a loss of 3.6lbs. I was on cloud 9 of course!
Saturday Jeremey and I had a talk about my priorities as far as school and work and family. I have a lot on my plate and he wanted to see where I was with everything. I have real estate clients but I don't feel like I can pursue them like I want to because I have no where to work (and a couple other things). He said he would solve that for me. We have a nice kerosene heater at our house and he is going to set up what will eventually be our bedroom into an office for me with printer etc so I can go over there, turn on the heater, and work as long as I need. The only thing I'll be missing is a toilet and since I'm doing my best to drink 64 oz of water a day, I will probably have to take breaks and run up to Grandma's house, 2 blocks up the street.
I don't know that I've ever had so many balls in the air at one time and yet been so content and happy with where I was in life. I've been reading my devotional and sometimes I find a point or scripture that applies to all aspects of life, including weight loss. Tonight I read Romans 8:9-11 NKJV But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. 10 And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. As my devotional pointed out, Sin needs never to control us again. Gluttony is sin. plain and simple. It is true there are worse things to be addicted to, but if we are addicted to something, we are slave to whatever it is. Because of Jesus Christ's sacrifice, we were set free and that isn't just for smoking, drugs, alcohol or sex, but food and anything we have allowed to control us at any time.
Somedays the ultimate theme of my prayers will be for God to take the temptation of whatever food is calling my name but I pray as I strive to become more like Him, food will be for nourishment of my body, not to punish it.
I just laugh when they say oh I'm just kidding or whatever but honestly, I've stood by and watched others be happy for 30 years...it's my turn to be happy, why can't I express it? Anyways, it's probably a waste of time to get upset about it, but I do.
I have started school again. Tomorrow is my last day of week 2 and I have survived so far. Although this English class may be the death of a decent GPA for me. We are writing one essay a week (give or take)...I think that's 8 more essays. We turn in our first one Wednesday (because Monday is a holiday) and I'm a little nervous. So far we've only done one introduction essay and she marked it up pretty good with comma's, but didn't really make comments as to my content. Maybe because she couldn't really dispute that I'm a mom of 4 kids and live a busy, hectic life? I had to stop myself from writing lol or haha in my essay. I'm not the oldest person in either of my classes by quite a bit, which was a concern for me going in. I think I'll do ok this term. I plan on going Spring and Summer but we'll see how business is for our biz and my real estate. I don't have a time limit on when I have to have a degree by, but I don't want years to go between classes and forget what I learned either.
I'm really enjoying it though I am so busy I sometimes don't know if I'm coming or going, it's a great experience and I'm proud of myself for doing it. Three years ago this would have been a major panic attack invoking type of thing to do...
I re-joined Weight Watchers again. I know it works, I just have to do it. I can't do it on my own or I wouldn't keep gaining the weight back. I'm grateful for a husband that encourages me when I need it both by suggesting/cooking healthy options and commenting when he notices a loss as well as that he loves me the way I am, even if I don't lose. Haha, in fact, this is how much he loves me: the other night I asked him if he would be willing to eat 1 new WW meal that I prepare from a recipe off the website or in the magazine. He just looked at me for a few minutes and then said begrudgingly, "I guess I could do that once a week or two..." TRUE LOVE! Anyways, my first official weigh-in (WI from here on out) was a loss of 3.6lbs. I was on cloud 9 of course!
Saturday Jeremey and I had a talk about my priorities as far as school and work and family. I have a lot on my plate and he wanted to see where I was with everything. I have real estate clients but I don't feel like I can pursue them like I want to because I have no where to work (and a couple other things). He said he would solve that for me. We have a nice kerosene heater at our house and he is going to set up what will eventually be our bedroom into an office for me with printer etc so I can go over there, turn on the heater, and work as long as I need. The only thing I'll be missing is a toilet and since I'm doing my best to drink 64 oz of water a day, I will probably have to take breaks and run up to Grandma's house, 2 blocks up the street.
I don't know that I've ever had so many balls in the air at one time and yet been so content and happy with where I was in life. I've been reading my devotional and sometimes I find a point or scripture that applies to all aspects of life, including weight loss. Tonight I read Romans 8:9-11 NKJV But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. 10 And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you. As my devotional pointed out, Sin needs never to control us again. Gluttony is sin. plain and simple. It is true there are worse things to be addicted to, but if we are addicted to something, we are slave to whatever it is. Because of Jesus Christ's sacrifice, we were set free and that isn't just for smoking, drugs, alcohol or sex, but food and anything we have allowed to control us at any time.
Somedays the ultimate theme of my prayers will be for God to take the temptation of whatever food is calling my name but I pray as I strive to become more like Him, food will be for nourishment of my body, not to punish it.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2010 already??
So I blogged last year on Jan 7th about my new life goals. Not resolutions, goals. They were:
build better relationships with the people I love
take time to develop my strengths and talents and put them to use
take time for each of my kids one-on-one
to try at least one new thing (hubby would be thrilled if I tried kayaking with him this summer)
to take a healthy action and turn it into a habit (8oz of water anyone?)
to read and study my Bible more
join at least one women's group for support and friendships
I can honestly say that I've done each and every one of these things. Maybe not enough that they are habit, but definitely more than I did before. We didn't go kayaking because we were too busy, not because I wouldn't so maybe this next summer (but we have to finish our house first!!).
The kids and I are all getting along really well now-much better than a year ago. The oldest is having "oh I'm leaving home in 2 years and every day is basically a countdown" thoughts. It's fun to actually see the maturing and growth before your eyes. So many times you look at your child and see them as 4 or 5 and you turn around and they are grown but I'm trying to really take the time to notice the kids and their individuality.
My beautiful cousin Rachael has won her victory over breast cancer this year. We got to see her more this year than any other year but she's been an amazing warrior and it's been a battle no one wants to go through-but if I had to, I pray I would have the strength and determination to make it through as good as she did. And she gets the great boobs in the end so I'm almost jealous ;-) Seriously, I love you Rachael and I pray 2010 will the most amazing year for you and your family.
My bio-dad somehow beat his terminal cancer diagnosis. His wife said it was the natural herbs and Native American healing rituals that she was able to cure him. I believe either Jesus wasn't ready for him to leave this world, or he was mis-diagnosed. This kind of cancer doesn't just go away, but I know his wife didn't heal him.
My marriage is as strong if not stronger than ever before. We celebrated 2 years of marriage in September and I can honestly say I've never known a love like the one we share.
We were able to buy a house this year. It's been a project and then some. We currently have no floor and we've had to remove some walls. We've had to replace some rotted floor joists but we'll be putting flooring back in soon, adding walls where we need to and then working on getting the rest of the floor done and walls painted. We might be able to move in at some point after that. :)
The kids are doing well academically and adjusting really well at their new school. Lexi is having the hardest time but I think it will get easier for her in time especially as she gets to know more kids here.
Our business is growing and is very successful. I sold 3 houses last year (unheard of for a rookie realtor in 2009 I think) and am actually looking for 3 different properties for 3 different clients right now. I could be happy with 3 deals a year in this economy. :)
My little sister is in beauty school and I had her give me hi lights the other day before Christmas. She did an amazing job and will be great at hair. I'm so proud of her. She also graduates high school this summer. I can hardly believe this little 6 year old girl that came to live with my parents 12 years ago could be such a cool and talented little sister.
It's just been an awesome year-not without tears and pain, but I feel blessed to be saying goodbye in one piece and I am anxious for the new year to begin. I am starting school Monday, with the plan to get a degree. I will get a 2 year here and then transfer for my 4 year to another college that I could do online or satellite. I'm just worried about getting through Math. :)
I've spent some new years eve nights thinking about how I would miss the last year but I am looking forward to moving on and growing this year.
build better relationships with the people I love
take time to develop my strengths and talents and put them to use
take time for each of my kids one-on-one
to try at least one new thing (hubby would be thrilled if I tried kayaking with him this summer)
to take a healthy action and turn it into a habit (8oz of water anyone?)
to read and study my Bible more
join at least one women's group for support and friendships
I can honestly say that I've done each and every one of these things. Maybe not enough that they are habit, but definitely more than I did before. We didn't go kayaking because we were too busy, not because I wouldn't so maybe this next summer (but we have to finish our house first!!).
The kids and I are all getting along really well now-much better than a year ago. The oldest is having "oh I'm leaving home in 2 years and every day is basically a countdown" thoughts. It's fun to actually see the maturing and growth before your eyes. So many times you look at your child and see them as 4 or 5 and you turn around and they are grown but I'm trying to really take the time to notice the kids and their individuality.
My beautiful cousin Rachael has won her victory over breast cancer this year. We got to see her more this year than any other year but she's been an amazing warrior and it's been a battle no one wants to go through-but if I had to, I pray I would have the strength and determination to make it through as good as she did. And she gets the great boobs in the end so I'm almost jealous ;-) Seriously, I love you Rachael and I pray 2010 will the most amazing year for you and your family.
My bio-dad somehow beat his terminal cancer diagnosis. His wife said it was the natural herbs and Native American healing rituals that she was able to cure him. I believe either Jesus wasn't ready for him to leave this world, or he was mis-diagnosed. This kind of cancer doesn't just go away, but I know his wife didn't heal him.
My marriage is as strong if not stronger than ever before. We celebrated 2 years of marriage in September and I can honestly say I've never known a love like the one we share.
We were able to buy a house this year. It's been a project and then some. We currently have no floor and we've had to remove some walls. We've had to replace some rotted floor joists but we'll be putting flooring back in soon, adding walls where we need to and then working on getting the rest of the floor done and walls painted. We might be able to move in at some point after that. :)
The kids are doing well academically and adjusting really well at their new school. Lexi is having the hardest time but I think it will get easier for her in time especially as she gets to know more kids here.
Our business is growing and is very successful. I sold 3 houses last year (unheard of for a rookie realtor in 2009 I think) and am actually looking for 3 different properties for 3 different clients right now. I could be happy with 3 deals a year in this economy. :)
My little sister is in beauty school and I had her give me hi lights the other day before Christmas. She did an amazing job and will be great at hair. I'm so proud of her. She also graduates high school this summer. I can hardly believe this little 6 year old girl that came to live with my parents 12 years ago could be such a cool and talented little sister.
It's just been an awesome year-not without tears and pain, but I feel blessed to be saying goodbye in one piece and I am anxious for the new year to begin. I am starting school Monday, with the plan to get a degree. I will get a 2 year here and then transfer for my 4 year to another college that I could do online or satellite. I'm just worried about getting through Math. :)
I've spent some new years eve nights thinking about how I would miss the last year but I am looking forward to moving on and growing this year.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thankful heart
Ok, I had started a blog and then deleted it and didn't realize it would keep the date so this was really written November 27th...lol
Yesterday (Thanksgiving) would have been my dear Grandpa's 84th birthday. He has been gone 14 years now and though the pain has slightly dimmed, not many days go by that I don't think about him or what he would think about these beautiful grandkids and great-grandkids that have been born in these 14 years that will never know what an awesome man he was. I wonder what he would have thought or said when he held his first great-granddaughter in his arms, how proud he would be of the spouses we've added to the family, and the lives we all live now.
But I AM thankful I knew him for 20 years and for the legacy he left behind. I know he prayed for us everyday and I am sad that he isn't around to give a hug or advice, but I know those prayers were heard and I am thankful for his love and example.
I am also thankful for my husband -life is busy and stressful but I couldn't have asked for a husband that loves me as much as Jeremey does. Ok, I asked God to give me one MANY times, but i didn't think it was meant to happen for me after awhile...I'm really thankful God takes better care of me and knows what I need even when I don't think I deserve it.
I am thankful for my kids. Having 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 17 should be a nightmare but it isn't. Oh, we have our moments, but I cannot complain about the love they share and friendship as sisters that they share. And a son. I had all but given up on having a boy-and I was having so much fun with a girl that I wouldn't' have known what I was missing, but he is a bright spot and can be quite the comic (he thinks). :)
I am thankful for beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew that are so smart and though they suffer some awful emotional pain, they have not forgotten how to love and still open their hearts to those that love them.
I am thankful for aunts who have been shoulders to cry on and encouragement when I was in need. They spoiled me and took me everywhere when they were in high school, invited me to stay with them, helped me learn how to dress and even curl my bangs correctly. 4 amazing aunts that I am honored to have in my life.
I am thankful for cousins. Growing up without a sister (4 of us) made us closer as friends. We have all had our moments (probably like some sisters can-but how would we know?) of pain or misunderstanding with each other (and a LOT of jealousy on my part) but there has also been a LOT of love and support. And we all had some pretty awesome brothers that have been cool playmates in the past and good uncles to our kids and friends with our husbands.
I am thankful for the painful and scary times in my life because I wouldn't appreciate my life now if I hadn't had to go through them.
And I am thankful for Jesus-willing to die for me when I was not worthy. I love the word wretch because that is what we are. Our righteousness is like filthy rags...we couldn't do it on our own. We could get hung up on the legalities of church and religion but none of that matters to me or is as important as my relationship with Jesus. And because He loves me and wants a relationship with me, I am more than grateful.
Yesterday (Thanksgiving) would have been my dear Grandpa's 84th birthday. He has been gone 14 years now and though the pain has slightly dimmed, not many days go by that I don't think about him or what he would think about these beautiful grandkids and great-grandkids that have been born in these 14 years that will never know what an awesome man he was. I wonder what he would have thought or said when he held his first great-granddaughter in his arms, how proud he would be of the spouses we've added to the family, and the lives we all live now.
But I AM thankful I knew him for 20 years and for the legacy he left behind. I know he prayed for us everyday and I am sad that he isn't around to give a hug or advice, but I know those prayers were heard and I am thankful for his love and example.
I am also thankful for my husband -life is busy and stressful but I couldn't have asked for a husband that loves me as much as Jeremey does. Ok, I asked God to give me one MANY times, but i didn't think it was meant to happen for me after awhile...I'm really thankful God takes better care of me and knows what I need even when I don't think I deserve it.
I am thankful for my kids. Having 3 girls between the ages of 12 and 17 should be a nightmare but it isn't. Oh, we have our moments, but I cannot complain about the love they share and friendship as sisters that they share. And a son. I had all but given up on having a boy-and I was having so much fun with a girl that I wouldn't' have known what I was missing, but he is a bright spot and can be quite the comic (he thinks). :)
I am thankful for beautiful nieces and a handsome nephew that are so smart and though they suffer some awful emotional pain, they have not forgotten how to love and still open their hearts to those that love them.
I am thankful for aunts who have been shoulders to cry on and encouragement when I was in need. They spoiled me and took me everywhere when they were in high school, invited me to stay with them, helped me learn how to dress and even curl my bangs correctly. 4 amazing aunts that I am honored to have in my life.
I am thankful for cousins. Growing up without a sister (4 of us) made us closer as friends. We have all had our moments (probably like some sisters can-but how would we know?) of pain or misunderstanding with each other (and a LOT of jealousy on my part) but there has also been a LOT of love and support. And we all had some pretty awesome brothers that have been cool playmates in the past and good uncles to our kids and friends with our husbands.
I am thankful for the painful and scary times in my life because I wouldn't appreciate my life now if I hadn't had to go through them.
And I am thankful for Jesus-willing to die for me when I was not worthy. I love the word wretch because that is what we are. Our righteousness is like filthy rags...we couldn't do it on our own. We could get hung up on the legalities of church and religion but none of that matters to me or is as important as my relationship with Jesus. And because He loves me and wants a relationship with me, I am more than grateful.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
worry...and a heavy heart
I think we skipped early fall and went head first into winter! The mornings and evenings are cold and the middle of the day-well it's definitley sweatshirt weather!
So much going on and yet nothing. I feel busy, like I'm always on the go but then I have to stop and think, what have I done today? I've never been in this place before and it's kind of nerve wracking. I've always had to work, always had to be the sole provider for everything: food, shelter, emotional and spiritual guidance...etc. Now, I've got this amazing husband who is the one responsible for all of that. I'm here to support him and help him when he needs it but I'm not supposed to worry about it right? I love the life we have, I love getting to go to work with him-the talks we get to have on the way to a customer and sometimes, the silence and comfort of just being together.
So the worrier in me, the one who has always HAD to be responsible for everything, feels guilty that I am not working a 9-5. I don't have young kids at home to raise and it's not like we couldn't use more income (it would help speed the process along with the house for sure!) but the doors just don't open for jobs that I apply for. I don't know if that means God is ok with me right where I am needing to learn to trust in Him for everything. He is Jehovah Jireh, I've been singing that song probably since before I could pronounce Jehovah...but do I really lean on Him? Is looking for and applying for jobs just being proactive or is it leaning on my OWN understanding?
It would be easy to get comfortable being my husbands helper but is that enough? I've never had anyone WANT to be that role in my life...what if he gets tired of me doing so little? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. I know that we are in this marriage until the good Lord calls one or both of us Home...but that fear of not doing enough keeps taunting me. It's so funny, I worry about this SO much and yet I am sitting here trying to remember ONE time Jeremey has asked me to get a job. He hasn't...he's asked me to put more into helping him grow Acme when he needs me but he's never asked me to go look outside the home or our business. I need peace when it comes to being the wife that is taken care of. The Proverbs 31 woman wasn't lazy and didn't NOT work, but she tended to the affairs of their business and home. I guess I dont' see what I do as work...am I a prideful woman that needs praise and adoration to make me feel useful? no wonder I'm in a funk. :( I always want to do what is right in the sight of God and my husband but I guess I fight myself more than anyone could ever do anymore.
AND aside from me, I have been made aware of a situation that involves someone I love dearly. I feel that the situation will cause this person a lot of pain and my heart breaks for him but there truly is no other way for the situation to be worked out.
Growing up and seeing how other little girls had relationships with their dad's and were adored by their daddy's, I sometimes wished this man could be my dad and while that isn't what God chose for me, I love him and my heart aches for the pain I expect he'll be experiencing the next few months...I am praying for him and everyone involved, that is all I can do.
When this song first came out I couldn't get enough of it...I was struggling with anxiety. sometimes even leaving the house, going to places where I wouldn't know anyone caused me so much pain. I would listen to this song over and over and know that I kept holding those chains that were keeping me down-I need to remember these lyrics whenever I keep hanging on to those things that aren't of God: (I put the song on here to the left in case you haven't heard it before)
All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for change
Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need You and You alone
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for (change)
Still You patiently await
Yet I won't just let go I see
You and You alone
Saying freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom
The time has come separation lost the war to love
Take my hand gace has found you where You once began
You're Alive! You're Alive! in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love
There's only singing for freeom
I know I'm not only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for...
Father please I need rescuing I need You and You alone
So much going on and yet nothing. I feel busy, like I'm always on the go but then I have to stop and think, what have I done today? I've never been in this place before and it's kind of nerve wracking. I've always had to work, always had to be the sole provider for everything: food, shelter, emotional and spiritual guidance...etc. Now, I've got this amazing husband who is the one responsible for all of that. I'm here to support him and help him when he needs it but I'm not supposed to worry about it right? I love the life we have, I love getting to go to work with him-the talks we get to have on the way to a customer and sometimes, the silence and comfort of just being together.
So the worrier in me, the one who has always HAD to be responsible for everything, feels guilty that I am not working a 9-5. I don't have young kids at home to raise and it's not like we couldn't use more income (it would help speed the process along with the house for sure!) but the doors just don't open for jobs that I apply for. I don't know if that means God is ok with me right where I am needing to learn to trust in Him for everything. He is Jehovah Jireh, I've been singing that song probably since before I could pronounce Jehovah...but do I really lean on Him? Is looking for and applying for jobs just being proactive or is it leaning on my OWN understanding?
It would be easy to get comfortable being my husbands helper but is that enough? I've never had anyone WANT to be that role in my life...what if he gets tired of me doing so little? I guess that's what I'm really afraid of. I know that we are in this marriage until the good Lord calls one or both of us Home...but that fear of not doing enough keeps taunting me. It's so funny, I worry about this SO much and yet I am sitting here trying to remember ONE time Jeremey has asked me to get a job. He hasn't...he's asked me to put more into helping him grow Acme when he needs me but he's never asked me to go look outside the home or our business. I need peace when it comes to being the wife that is taken care of. The Proverbs 31 woman wasn't lazy and didn't NOT work, but she tended to the affairs of their business and home. I guess I dont' see what I do as work...am I a prideful woman that needs praise and adoration to make me feel useful? no wonder I'm in a funk. :( I always want to do what is right in the sight of God and my husband but I guess I fight myself more than anyone could ever do anymore.
AND aside from me, I have been made aware of a situation that involves someone I love dearly. I feel that the situation will cause this person a lot of pain and my heart breaks for him but there truly is no other way for the situation to be worked out.
Growing up and seeing how other little girls had relationships with their dad's and were adored by their daddy's, I sometimes wished this man could be my dad and while that isn't what God chose for me, I love him and my heart aches for the pain I expect he'll be experiencing the next few months...I am praying for him and everyone involved, that is all I can do.
When this song first came out I couldn't get enough of it...I was struggling with anxiety. sometimes even leaving the house, going to places where I wouldn't know anyone caused me so much pain. I would listen to this song over and over and know that I kept holding those chains that were keeping me down-I need to remember these lyrics whenever I keep hanging on to those things that aren't of God: (I put the song on here to the left in case you haven't heard it before)
All my chains I can't disengage
And I don't believe that I want to
One hand sings your praise
The other brings me shame
I have selfishness to blame
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for change
Broken down I lay
I keep holding my chains
No longer bound but here I stay
I scream Father please
I need rescuing
I need You and You alone
And I'm singing for freedom
I know I'm not the only one
Praying to the one
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for (change)
Still You patiently await
Yet I won't just let go I see
You and You alone
Saying freedom
And so I'm singing for freedom
The time has come separation lost the war to love
Take my hand gace has found you where You once began
You're Alive! You're Alive! in the waking of new life
Take my hand in the end there's only love
There's only love
There's only singing for freeom
I know I'm not only one
Praying to the One
Who can bring me this freedom
I'm ready for I'm ready for...
Father please I need rescuing I need You and You alone
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